Man Code - The Real Star of the Bachelorette

I've been involved in my own drama so I've been slightly late to bring you my recap of Bachelorette but it's here now so calm the fuck down. This week's episode really brought something to light: All great drama has a heroes' arc in which the protagonist(s) have a want and a need. Even if the want isn’t fulfilled, the need must be, in order to complete the arc. The Bachelorette totally satisfies this: Even if these bronzed and hairless suitors don’t get their supposed want (Jillian) they are almost certain to reach their need, a meth fueled pool party at Adam Lambert’s place and isn't that what reality shows are all about?

In the interest of time, I think it's best to skip every moment of the show which we all know included lobotomy inducing soundbites from Jillian such as "I'm looking for my best friend" "I am ready to fall in love" "I'm excited about taking this journey" "I'm NOT a stalker" "I'm so over Jason. I don't know why he thinks I call him and hang up. Because I don't. Okay, one time but it was an accident because I forgot to take him off my speed dial." Sadly she also constantly reminds us that she's "not the most beautiful...but" and, um, hi, we have eyes. You are very attractive. Any guy in Oregon would go out of their tree for you. But sadly, this is LA and you are dealing with actors. So in that respect, you're right. They are looking for a blonde to bone for a few weeks and not a lifetime partner who rates a man by his hotdog topping.

Let's just get to the main parts of the show:

Jillian went on a date with Wes - the obvious fame fucker who wants a record deal so bad he can taste it on Jillian's sweet lips. This guy has slightly less charisma than a peanut butter sandwich and isn't very smart - he's like a Garth Brooks for the mentally impaired. He's just excited that he rhymed Hair Gel with Nice Smell on his song he wrote for Jilly. None of this stops Jillian from wanting to make out with him. Needless to say, he gets a rose.

Next Jillian has a date with Jake the pilot, a man so spontaneous I have a feeling he irons his underwear and combs his pubic hair. They have a typical date where surprise, surprise Martina McBride busts out of nowhere to serenade them. Jake makes a comment about "dancing with his soulmate" which sent me to the bathroom to retch. Apparently the combo of Martina and Jilly got him so riled up, he needed 3 glasses of milk to cool down. Having been alone with her a total of two times, he proclaims that he can’t wait to be the one slipping the ring onto her finger. Something tells me there are a handful of restraining orders still in effect against this guy across the Christian Aviation community. And yes, he gets a rose.

But the best part was watching some of the male bonding going on where we really got to see Trucker Dave's personality shine. The guys all decide to do a shot of tequila and according to David (although it's almost impossible to tell even after running it back twice on TiVo), Juan (who is admittedly cloying but so far harmless) throws his shot into a nearby bush. This incenses David and he doesn't hold back later. "That fucking guy didn't even do the shot! He tossed it out. We need to tie him to a tree and beat the shit out of him." To which another guy looks appropriately appalled and says, "tie him to a tree?" to which David responds to the guy as if he is some kind of paste eating idiot, "YEAH, TIE HIM TO A TREE. MAN CODE!"

Personally I haven't heard of this particular "man code" at least since the civil war and by the weirded out looks on the other wannabees' faces neither had they. We didn't see any furthur explanation because ABC sent the rest of David’s interview bites to 20/20 for use in their investigation of a multi-state killing spree.

But, luckily for you, Reality Road kill has exclusively obtained some outtakes:

"At the hotel, Juan told a producer what the tip on the drink bill should be – What kind of pussy knows math? I can’t wait to slice his Achilles tendons in his sleep tonight:Man code!”

“I saw Juan’s speed stick deodorant on the counter and it isn’t even Sport scent. That queer stays dry with F*@king Arctic Pine. I’m so gonna track down his father’s grave and crap on the bones: Man code!”

“If Jilly doesn’t pick me I’m totally gonna rape her headless corpse: Man Code.”

Obviously no one could follow Angry Trucker David's insanity but Brian, the nerdy guy gives it old frat guy try by jumping into the pool completely naked. To his suprise, Jillian is shocked but not in a good way.

Later Jillian agonizes over her decision and thoughtfully chooses:

Kipton (who we have to hope makes it to the hometown dates so we can see what kind of parents name their kid Kipton), Angry Trucker Dave, Tanner the Foot Fetishist, Jesse, Ed, Sasha, Mark, Michael, Tanner P, Reid, Robby, Brad.

So the Brit is sent home and the streaker, Julien and Mathue, who actually cries.

According to the tease, next week's episode is a can't miss: "Next week: the blood flows as David soaks the house in the biggest orgy of revenge kills in Bachelorette History!"