The Premiere That Sucked My Will to Live

Um, people?  Hi. I thought we were friends.  Remember when on or about May 18 I asked if I should watch this season of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" and cover it on this blog?  Ring a bell, does it? Well, it wasn't meant as a rhetorical question.  And nobody, not one person, had the common decency to scream "For the love of everything holy, stick a fork in your eye, throw your television set out the window, check yourself into rehab where they don't allow tv, but for the love of God, DO NOT WATCH JON AND KATE PLUS EIGHT!!!!"  

No, instead I received comments on my (admittedly brilliant) poetry -- even a poetry submission -- and other random thoughts, but no dire warning as though my life depended on it. Which it might.   I'm still considering offing myself just for having watched.

That said, allow me to summarize. Because if I have to suffer, you have to suffer. Fair enough?

• Jon and Kate don't know where their marriage is headed.  Jon looks like he's been run over by a truck -- back and forth and back and forth -- until he's barely conscious. That truck's name is Kate.
• He said the future of their marriage is between him and Kate. Well, Jon, and Today Show fans, People magazine readers, the Larry King audience and the gluttons for punishment that are the TLC viewership.
• Jon didn't ask for all this. He just wants a private life. He didn't sign up for this. Err, well, fella, you DID sign up for it.  Literally. Take a gander at your TLC contract. Oh, you know the one. The one where you get $75,000 PER EPISODE and the reason your wife can sell a shitload of books and charge for speaking engagements. The same one that lets you live in a $1 million-plus home and get hair plugs.  Oh, so feel free to go back to being an IT Help Desk schlep making $30k in Podunk, Pennsylvania and see if you remember that the grass over there is pretty well the opposite of green when you un-jam your fourth printer by 10:00 am for a bunch of helpless morons. 
• Kate doesn't know who Jon is anymore.  This isn't the man she married. And I don't think she's talking about the whiter chompers and new hairline.  No, he's changed.  So times are tough, but hey, at least her family is standing behind her. Or not.   Only click on that link if you are prepared to blow your brains out after watching Kate's brother and sister-in-law describe how money is the motivation behind the whole show as they get paid to comment on how money is the motivation behind the whole show.  But they are speaking out because of the CHILDREN! My God, the CHILDREN!   There should be laws regarding exploiting children on reality tv.  And perhaps laws on relatives popping out of their trailers with their hands out.
• Okay, then we see the mother lode of all fifth birthday parties.  Poor Kate had to plan it all by herself (which is why we see several assistants buzzing about as she barks orders.) Editing, people, editing! If we are going to discuss ad nauseam how we had no help, PLEASE DON'T SHOW THE HELP.
• TLC producers, was it necessary to spend an hour showing the birthday party? We know what happens at birthday parties. Kids eat cake, jump around, open presents and are generally annoying. If I wanted to witness an entire children's  birthday party, I'd go to one of a child I actually know rather than lying and telling the parents I'll be out of town.  The only saving grace is we only had to endure one rendition of Happy Birthday instead of the six rounds (one for each kid!) that Kate insisted on.
• My favorite scene, and by "favorite" I mean I was least likely to hang myself, was when Kate is driving all eight kids to the party store to get decorations for the party. They pull into the parking lot and Kate says, "Hurry the paparazzi are after us!" to which one child asks "What's a paparazzi?" Flash to a confessional of Kate on the couch lamenting that her life is such that her children know at age 5 what paparazzi are. BECAUSE YOU BROUGHT IT UP DUMB ASS. And I bet you anything she's the type who called ahead to tell the tabloids where to be and when. Because normal moms don't get all gussied up before running to the store with a gaggle of children.
• Now, here's the surprising part. I don't totally hate Kate.  I think she has "Former Fat Girl Syndrome," a medically recognized form of  mental illness.  Kate went from looking like she worked the midnight shift at Waffle House to a poor-man's Posh Spice. I mean, wouldn't you maybe cop an attitude too?  Now she thinks she deserves a poor man's David Beckham instead of a wimpy guy with advanced male pattern baldness.  And I don't hate Jon either. He's married to a blond barracuda if barracudas had access to an underwater barber shop outfitted with a chain saw.

But I think the uplifting thing about reality tv is we learn a lesson. Like on The Bachelor franchise, the lesson is always seemingly "Don't f@#$ in a hot tub with cameras rolling."  And for Jon and Kate Plus Eight, I think it is such:

Don't constantly berate your mate

With no attempts to placate.

Because sooner or later he'll

Find another soul mate

Or simply fornicate with a gal who's 28

And your assets will be divided by probate.

Oh, please. You didn't really think I would make good on my promise to stop the rhyming did you? BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  Suckers.  

PS -- The good news is I think I'm out of rhyming options. The bad news is I may take up a foreign language so I can continue the poems.