And Then There Were 18!

In the immortal words of the late Jerry Orbach from the timeless classic Dirty Dancing, “When I’m wrong I say I’m wrong. Although, I’m actually not that wrong. You are having sex with my teenage daughter and you are how old? I don’t care if you didn’t get Penny in trouble, stop SCHTUPPING my daughter. So I ain't fucking wrong, bitch” Something like that.

Why do I say this? Because I predicted sort of wrong last night, but actually I didn’t. Let’s hit the results show which I fast forwarded through as quickly as possible, but I did hear that Shane Sparks choreographed the opening number, and that made me happy, because Shane rocks. Best guest judge, great choreographer, etc. I'm glad he's back. (How sad is it that I knew who he was and also had a reaction to his name being announced? By the way, that's a rhetorical question.)

The first three couples come out and after much trickery, they are all safe. Whoo-hoo! This includes Randi and Evan. Now, I said they would be bottom three and that’s because I let my heart do the thinking. I was already annoyed by the whole “This is a sexy dance and I’m married so I’m a little freaked out” schtick. Um, Randi, I hate to break this to you, but when you dance you sometimes have to touch your partner and be sexy. Don’t worry though. I’m sure your husband’s not the jealous type and not cheating on you at this very instance to get back at you for going to the big city to pursue your dream. Wait a second! Plus, the longer you are on this show, the more likely you will realize you can do better, so my picking you to go home was only because I wanted to save your marriage. And yet I’m the bad guy.

Did I really think it was going to happen? No. But I couldn’t choose Paris and Tony to be bottom three (heart talking) and then I was stuck with Randi, Karla, and Asuka and I knew the judges love Asuka and I thought Karla was good. But I will guarantee if Randi keeps the whole “oh, gosh my husband” thing up, it will grate on everybody’s nerves. This is not a money back guarantee, mind you, but a guarantee you can take to any bank and get FREE access to any of the pens on the counters. I know, right? Also, they are the cute little couple but that couple happened last season with Gev and Courtney, who I liked a hundred times better. And they only did the “She has a boyfriend” thing. Not as annoying. Look, Randi or Evan are not winning this thing. If they do, I will eat my hat! (This phrase is in honor of Evan who you know uses it in every day life.) But I won’t put them in bottom three next week, unless they do that husband thing again. Then all bets are off!

The next four couples come out and everyone is safe but Vitolio and Asuka. So now we have the last three couples and Karla and Jonathan (I told you!) are in bottom three with Tony and Paris. So I got two of the three couples. I just overestimated the girl vote for Tony and my own desire to keep hip-hop dancers around.

The contestants dance for their lives and Paris sucks. Asuka is fine but she is cursed by the dreaded solo dance as a ballroom dancer, which will doom her going forward. It dooms every partner dancer, because after awhile there is not much you can do to shake things up. (Chelsie Hightower was the exception and that’s because she never had to dance for her life. She was never in the bottom three, which she never deserved to be. Rereading that sentence makes me a little sad for my life.) Asuka is in trouble, going forward. That’s why Max better thank the producers for pairing him with Kayla, because she will keep him away from bottom three for awhile. But once he ends up there, see ya! He’ll go down quicker than the skinny dipping girl in Jaws. Because she did take a little while to finally get pulled under. Stupid survival instincts. And Karla was Karla, and I like Karla. Bye Paris

Tony is just as bad as Paris He looks like he is at a club dancing and now I want him gone. It makes me sick I ever gave them sympathy. It’s like the saying “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, Mia Michaels better suck it.” (My requisite Mia bash)Hey, we still got Phillip and Ade and Brandon (who needs a personality transplant) and bunch of others who can ably fill in. Vitolio isn’t going anywhere. Guy is a physical marvel and is an orphan who grew up in Africa. Come on, people. He ain’t going home the first week. Jonathan (David Archuletta wannabe) is still cheesy but he does some gymnastic moves and smiles A LOT. Bye Tony.

Let’s bring on next week so I can start sorting out who these people are! Until then let me just say one thing ... Nobody puts Kitty Cat in a corner. (She knows what I'm talking about.)