The Bungle In the Jungle Continues

First off, my apologies to the readers who have been eagerly awaiting my latest I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here update. I hope both of you will understand that sometimes after I watch this show, all I want to do afterward is just take a long, hot shower, then scrub my eyes out with steel wool and rubbing alcohol to erase the image of Janice Dickinson peeing like a racehorse. Also, my internets has been down.

Alright, so since my last recap, we've lost a few of our "celebrities." (Do I even need to use those quotes when I say "celebrities" anymore? Or is it understood that when I say "celebrities," I'm being sarcastic because we're not exactly talking about a bunch of Brad Pitts here? Yeah? We good?) OK, first the other half of the Frangela team left voluntarily, then Speidi left, then finally, Daniel Baldwin was voted off, which was a good thing because he was probably just one day away from shaving his head and goin' all Colonel Kurtz on Janice Dickinson's bony ass by ordering some Vietcong rebels to shove bamboo under her fingernails until she confessed to stealing his granola bar. (Whew.) The horror, the horror indeed, baby.

As I said, Speidi left the show AGAIN and this time it was because Heidi kept throwing up and had to be taken to the hospital for "tests." Of course, we all know the ultrasound didn't show anything on it besides a few stray pieces of Spencer's beard hair that were stuck in her trachea--reason enough to puke, am I right, my friends?--but they still decided that it was "too dangerous" for her to return to the jungle. And really, thank God for that because these two had been going hot and heavy on the Jesus talk to the point that I half-expected the Almighty himself to just appear in a bush and say, "Listen, stop talking about me so much, you morons. You are NOT helping me one bit. Got it, dipshits? Why don't you two switch to Buddhism for a few weeks? Like go sit on a mountaintop in Tibet in some orange robes or something. OK, so we clear? Cause I gotta go help Kanye win another award now. Laters."

Luckily for America, Montags are like cockroaches, so as soon as Heidi left, her sister Holly appeared! Yes, the jungle citizens now have a new Montag to push around, which is good news for Sanjaya who seems to either want to date her or help her pick out home furnishings. Not sure on that one quite yet. Anyway, Holly Montag is about as much a celebrity as my housecat is, so she's not exactly a big addition of star power. (Note to the producers: Call Charlene Tilton next time. Or Shaun Cassidy. Or even Joyce DeWitt. Think, you people.)

Otherwise, things are humming along as usual in the jungle. The celebs compete in challenges, weepily bond, and scratch their very disgusting bug bites repeatedly. And Janice? Well, she's keeping busy by stealing granola bars, hocking up phlegm, fighting with the Baldwins and peeing next to her bed like a toddler. You know, basically everything she did as a supermodel back in the 70's, but this time Andy Warhol isn't watching her and giggling behind his hand with Halston.

More next week, you lucky bastards!