Denise, Dating and Degenerates

I've hesitated to post my commentary on "It's Complicated" because I've been trying to think of a tactful way to ask this without insulting our West Coast contingent, and the following is the best I can come up with: Are all people in LA fucking freaks?

I realize here in the Midwest we dress like potato farmers from time to time and the biggest celebrity living in Chicago is Bill Rancic, but at least very few people like those featured on Denise Richards' show reside here. But let's not start a regional war of words, shall we? Let's just get to the recap:

• Denise's geriatric girlfriend is back and she looks sort of like an unsexy version of Ellen Barkin if Ellen Barkin was slightly disfigured. She sets Denise up with some necklaced machismo who looks like a scalp-challenged ex-soap extra with a bit part (like maybe he once combed Erica Kane's hair or something). Denise is surprised her friend would set her up with such a loser. Umm, D. Baby, have you SEEN your friend? "Class" is not her middle name.
• Denise's assistant sets her up with an angular-mugged suitor with puffy blond hair who keeps checking himself out in the mirror. He's actually better than the other guy but that's like saying you enjoy speckled bologna lunch meat better than Spam.
• Due to two failed dates, Denise asks her trainer to go with her to a Valentines Day dinner she has arranged. Denise tells us, the viewing audience, that her trainer has been "after her ass for years." Oh, he seems like he's after some ass alright, but I don't think it's Denise's ass or any other ass belonging to a female if you get my drift. Regardless, he tells her at the end of the "date" that if they aren't with other people by next Valentine's Day, they should be together. Dear Trainer: No worries there! Neither one of you will be with other people by next year or the year after that or the year after that or even 30 years from the year after that.
• We meet Denise's sister and the impossible occurs: I dislike her sister even more than I dislike Denise. And looking at her is kind of sad. Like you know if a different egg had collided with a different sperm she had the chance to be really good looking but the combined DNA that resulted to determine her genes was just a bit off although you can't quite put your finger on what went wrong. And she's married to a mute man with a bulbous head.
• So Denise's sister is upset their dad took this really nice French lady to this Valentine's Day dinner even though she knew it was going to happen and it was only their second date and the poor guy is a widow and just trying to find companionship. She gets up crying in the middle of dinner and it's awkward but not as awkward as Denise's trainer guy telling the new couple that they should "have sex on their third date."
• And speaking of Denise's questionable taste in men, I have a whole new appreciation for why Charlie Sheen locked himself in the basement with his computer their entire marriage: Denise and everyone she associates with suck to high heaven (except perhaps her father).

Dear God don't let Sunday come again too soon.