Non-Stop Celebrity Drama

I thought I'd have at least seven days to recuperate from the premiere of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, but no, the wizards at NBC have decided to put this show on every night of the week. Because it's just THAT GOOD, people. So, I DVR'd the past 3 nights, then watched them all at once in a rather depressing marathon that ended with me wiping drool off of my chin and discussing my life's choices with my cat. Good times.

Since I'm probably the only person in America watching this show, besides the incarcerated, let's just stick to the highlights:

Night two:

In some random food challenge, Spencer & Heidi, aka The Married Douches, go into a dark chamber and try to grab cut-out stars while avoiding rats, bugs, snakes, and spiders. Spencer wins for the men's team, then says this was the most horrifying moment of his life. Funny, because what happens next is the most horrifying moment of MY life:

Spencer is then baptized in a Costa Rican river by Stephen "Missing Link" Baldwin.

Yeah, you read that right. Apparently, Stephen found Jesus a few years ago via his Brazilian housekeeper. I know. Shocking, shocking news. Stephen Baldwin can afford a housekeeper?

This leads to Heidi and Spencer once again leaving the show, since they're "the all-stars and the rest of them are the Bad News Bears," which, I guess, makes Lou Diamond Phillips the Kelly Leek of the jungle and Sanjaya the Tanner. Nobody seems upset to see them go, most especially the NBC producers who've rigged this whole, stupid stunt up in the first place. Whatever.

Night three/Night four:

John Salley, the huge ex-NBA star, and Janice Dickinson, the emaciated ex-cokewhore, get into it because Janice spills water in John's boot and doesn't apologize. He calls her a few choice names, which makes her cry and resemble one of those melting Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. He later apologizes and then she hacks up things from her lungs and spits loogies and steals Frangela's make-up bag. The woman is a hot, skeletal mess who really needs to be put in a sanitarium, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.

Next, the celebs do some wild challenge where they have to stick their hands in a dark, scary hole. Or, as Sanjaya calls it, Thursday.

Then, shocker! The other unattractive Balwin brother suddenly appears from out of the bushes--not Alec, not Billy, but that other brother who is usually only on TV for things like drug arrests and gun possession--yes, it's new cast member Daniel Baldwin! (And you just know Alec is watching all of this from his mansion in the Hamptons, surrounded by his Emmys, drinking champagne and laughing his ass off.)

We then hear that Speidi wants back on, but the cast doesn't agree. Like they have any choice in the matter, really. They're just the Bad News Bears. Then there's another challenge with big cubes that the men win, and finally, Angela, half of the comedy duo, Frangela, gets voted off. Which is sort of sad, because she was really funny and not a freakshow like Janice who won't even share her shampoo.



More next week, unless I get a life before then. So, more next week.