Jungle Fever Is Almost Done

I was on vacation last week in a wonderful, magical land that doesn't have reality TV, so I unfortunately fell a bit behind in watching I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I know. It's been a tragedy for all of you who just can't get enough of my recaps on Janice Dickinson's loogie hurling. I'm so sorry.

But take heart, peoples, because last night I sat down on the couch and subjected myself to the FIVE HOURS of jungle mayhem that were recorded on my DVR. Yeah, that's right. I said FIVE HOURS of watching Sanjaya scratch his bug bites and eat rice and beans. By hour four of this tropical torture, I was curled in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and hoarsely asking my husband if the governor of Texas had called to put a stay on my lethal injection by D-list celebrities. (He hadn't. The bastard.)

Anyway, since my last recap, there have been changes a plenty in Costa Rica, so let me tell you who the three finalists now are:

Torrie Wilson: Pretty, blonde pro-wrestler who can kick anyone's ass. She actually seems very normal and smart, but I'm guessing that after the show's over, she'll turn to either Jesus or a jug of tequila to try to erase the memory of Stephen Baldwin wiping his ass with a banana tree.

Lou Diamond Phillips: I kind of have a crush on Mr. La Bamba. He's been the most level-headed, coolest jungle dweller of them all. I really think his career is going to take off after this show. Like maybe to Canadian public access TV.

John Salley: Big, funny giant basketball dude who likes to light leaves on fire and smoke them. He's lost 21 pounds so far from being in the jungle. Are you listening, Kirstie Alley? Put down the Twinkie and buy some bug spray, baby. You're headed to Haiti.

Now, what's in store for the non-finalists? The dearly departed? The celebrities who are even MORE unpopular than the three listed above? Well, here are some educated guesses:

Patti Blogvenovichobnich: BFF of John Salley. Will next be seen in an Oak Park Target Greatland buying a new tankini/skirtini because the one she wore in the jungle now smells like Baldwin feet.

Montag of the Month: I'm sure MTV has something lined up for her when "The Hills" is over. Like "The Valley." Or "The Ravine." Or "The Stock Room at the Calabasas Dress Barn Outlet." Or maybe she'll just murder Speidi in their sleep at their next family get-together and become a national hero.

Stephen Baldwin: Next seen in a straight-to-DVD buddy movie with Frank Stallone, Jim Hanks, Ken Depp and Melvin Pitt called, "So Close, But Yet So Far: The DNA Losers."

Janice Dickinson: Oh, Janice. You're the most constipated, phlegmy, lying, kleptomaniac we know. I'm not sure what you're going to do next, but there'll probably be a lawyer, a psychiatrist and an exotic animal wrangler involved. And also a camera crew from Bravo TV.

Sanjaya: "Hi! Welcome to Chili's! I'm Sanjaya! Can I start you off with an Awesome Blossom?"

Now there are only TWO shows to go before we find out who will be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle (aka Lord of the Dipshits). I can't wait for it to be over! I mean, so I can get my life back and all that. Not because I'm excited or anything. Geez. As if.