Kitty Cat is Back

I know. So You Think You Can Dance is already four weeks in. I dropped the ball. But it was like real work trying to catch up as they threw two hour show after two hour show filled with auditions of people I would barely remember and then be reminded about during the Vegas week so it really didn’t matter if I remembered the people I wouldn’t remember.

Two Hours, Two Days a week! When’s a blogger supposed to sleep?! But I did watch it all. Because I am that committed. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much. But it doesn’t matter, because we have finally made it to the actual competition. And as the dancers ran out I kept thinking “Who are these people?”

Last year was so simple. I was cheering for Twitch from the beginning and also became a fan of Joshua. And when they were the final two, I was the big winner. Sort of. Granted I had watched a full season of So … Dance and had actual favorite dancers so the jury was out on whether I was an actual winner ( and yeah, I shortened the title, but it’s going to be a real pain in the ass to write out So You Think You Can Dance all season long. So I am setting a precedent, right here, right now. I thought about doing SYTYCD, but A) that’s annoying with my two finger typing style and B) that’s too close to LOL.)

Here’s a quick confession: I actually like So…Dance. It is way better than American Idol. Because the contestants actually have unique skills that most of us can’t do. AI features karaoke singers screeching and bouncing up and down and basically being mediocre. So, I appreciate the dancers skill level.

Hell, AI has become so blah we didn’t even mention the finale. Why? Because I don’t think anyone watched it all the way through. And anyone who thinks Adam got screwed, go back and watch Krissssssssss greatest performance of the season. THAT’S WHY HE WON! Dude can eat an apple like nobody’s business. Adam can only screech and vamp and wear so much eye-liner.

Plus, So … Dance has Cat Deeley and she is a thousand times better than Ryan Seacrest. Sure her head propped up on that very skinny body sometimes makes her look like a bobblehead, but we love bobbleheads! But she is genuine and sweet and fun as opposed to Ryan, who has become more and more annoying and has really overstayed his welcome. Here’s a sobering thought: Do you realize he’s become the Dick Clark of this generation, which means we are stuck with him until we die (or photos of him and Adam Lambert are leaked to the press.) I actually was backstage one time at So ... Dance (I'm so cool), and a butch lesbian who was Cat's handler was running around yelling "Kitty Cat, Kitty Cat. Where's my Kitty Cat?" Now whenever I watch So ... Dance, I inevitably yell out "Kitty cat, Kitty cat. Where's my kitty cay?" a few times an episode. I'm sure it's killing my neighbor's resale value of their home.

Look, I’ll have plenty more to say, but we need to get on to the actual competition, before another week goes by. So here is a breakdown of each couple (since we start with 20 freaking contestants.)

Jeanine and Phillip –
Phillip is a hip hop dancer, so shocker – he got a hip-hop routine. I know it’s “random” but you know the producers want to keep the hip-hop dancers around as long as possible. Otherwise we are stuck watching a bunch of contemporary dancers extend their legs.
They are choreographed by possibly the most un-hip couple in the world, Tabitha and Napoleon. Tabitha seems like an awkward white girl who tried to rebel against her parents and ended up with the whitest ethnic guy on the planet (since I don’t know what ethnicity Napoleon is. Is Dorky an ethnicity?).

They kick ass on the routine, guest judge Adam Shankman (possibly gayer than even Adam Lambert) tears up for the first time tonight, Mary shows mid-season form of annoying as she pretends to not like the dance and then starts screaming (meaning she did like it. You so crafty Mary), and Nigel says something nice.

Asuka and Vitolio –

Asuka is an Asian ballroom dancer who I kept thinking was named Oscar, which made me think of hot dogs. Vitolio is black, but I thought he was Russian (black Russian, hahahahahahaha) and they do a Broadway routine with Tice choreographing. Pretty boring and I tuned out, thinking about cooking some hotdogs and washing them down with a Black Russian. Mmmmmmm. Bad comments and no scream from Mary, the most annoying woman in America.

Karla and Jonathan –

They do the Cha-Cha and Jonathan is immediately on my radar fro going home. The guy should be called Mr. Smiles as he looks like is in a cheerleading competition. During the judges remarks Mary screams (Scream count now at 2) and reveals “She likes her Cha Cha rough! Just like she likes her ice cream.” Um, that second part may have been implied.

Randi and Evan –

Tice is back to give them a jazz routine and Randi is all freaked because she is married and this is a sexy routine. She’s like 12 years old. How the hell is she married? I’m pretty sure a marriage at fourteen is not legally binding. Adam loves them, Mary screams (Mary scream count: 3) and I’m sure Nigel took time to self congratulate himself about what this show is doing for dance and how awesome he is. British people can be so uppity (not you Cat, never you!) Lastly, Evan blows his chances of winning when he makes the chessiest face as Cat gives out the numbers. On a side note, can we please, for the love of god, outlaw contestants from flashing their fingers for what numbers they want us to dial? It’s not cute or fun.

Paris and Troy –

Hey, the hip hop guy gets a hip hop routine. Shocker. Unfortunately, the judges don’t think he nailed it, but he seems likable enough. I hope he stays. Adam does critique the costumes but last time I checked that’s not the dancers fault. Moron, the show is not called “So You Know You Can Sew?

Caitlin and Jason –
They do a Bollywood number and it was pretty cool. A little distracting because Caitlin looks like someone and I can’t put my finger on it. But she did dance while in a handstand, which Adam Lambert could never do in a million years (unless he was drunk and Ryan was propping him up, wink, wink.) Adam Shankman says “You guys rocked” and by the look in his eyes I translate that to mean “I want to lick whipped cream off Jason’s body.” Mary screams so loud my ears blead (Scream count: 4) By this time I’m getting worried. There is no Twitch in the bunch. Who the hell am I going to root for?

Jeanette and Brandon –
They get a foxtrot, which pretty much means deadly boring. Save it for bad celebrities on that other dance show. Although the last lift (look at me, I got the lingo down) was pretty damn impressive. Mary screams (Scream count 5) and reveals she gets Botox. Really? I thought lips were supposed to pull away from the teeth in that unnatural chipmunk way. Btw, Brandon is the guy Mia Michaels was a bitch to during Vegas week and I’m sure I will touch on this later, but I CANNOT STAND MIA MICHAELS! I am already dreading her routines where everybody gets all wet and kisses her ass, She is overrated and pretentious. If I saw her on the street today I would have no qualms walking up to her and calling her the meanest name possible – Annie Duke! That’s right. She is that bad!

Ashley and Kupono –
They do a Wade Robson number where they are supposed to be crash test dummies. Um, okay. It was fine but very distracting. I kept forgetting who I was watching, which can’t be good when it is time to vote.

Melissa and Ade (pronounced A DAY) –
The heavens opened up and light started shining down. I think I found my champion, Ade. Why? The guy wears a pick in his hair all the time. How awesome is that! He even had it on during rehearsal. I’m so excited. Then the dance starts and all I can think is WHERE IS THE MOTHERFUCKING, PICK? WHERE IS IT? Ade, you can’t promise the pick and not deliver! Also, Melissa is the “old” dancer: a 29 year old ballerina, which does means she is in the twilight. But unfortunately for her, you can see the crazy in her eyes. She reeks of desperation, but they do get a scream from Mary (which is about as special as having sex with Paris Hilton).

Kayla and Max –
They are the last couple (finally) and they do a samba. Kayla is really good. Perhaps an early contender? Adam loves her and tells Max “I am only assuming you were in the number”, which actually makes me laugh. Adam is funny and gay. Who knew? Oh, and Mary screamed. Someone needs to let her know screaming is not the same thing as judging. Does she even critique anymore?

As it is couple who will be in the bottom , I think Max is safe. My prediction: Asuka and Vitolio, Karla and Jonathan, and Randi and Evan are bottom three. See ya, Jonathan and Randi. We hardly knew ya. Literally.