Love Doesn't Have a Job

So yeah, I'm four days late in this recap. I'm not getting paid, people. But I'm ready now to get this train out of the station. That was the "theme" for last Monday's Bachelorette; trains, tunnels and Tanner's package. Subtle, ABC, very subtle.

We start out the show knowing that out of the eight dudes still playing, only five will make it through to next week for the "hometown dates" and the bulk of the episode will take place on a train. At this news, Michael can't stop breakdancing, Robby makes an unfortunate hatwear decision and Tanner sweats profusely.

Jilly is still mourning Ed (he didn't die, sweetie, he just decided that going on the Bachelorette was personal and career suicide and decided to stop before it was too late. If only Sanjaya could go back in time two years) and needs someone to cheer her up. That someone is Robby.

On their one-on-one date, the cheering up begins with Robby making Jilly a drink because he's a bartender. Only right now it turns out that he's "between gigs." I guess with the down economy and all, bartenders are getting hit the hardest.

Jilly tells Robby that she wants to start a family "Not today or in 6-months but very soon." Robby is totally up for it in spite of his pesky "between jobs" situation. But Robby has a unique perspective on it which he shares with the camera. "Love doesn't have an age. Love doesn't have a job." Robby is either an enlightened Buddhist oooor a lazy fuck. I'm going with the latter.

Unfortunately for Robby, the not working or being particularly interested in things like income or goals is a bigger roadblock for Jilly and Robby gets left at the next station.

Breakdancy cries at the news that Robby is being left behind worrying that he's going to get eaten by a bear or freeze to death in the snow. Other things that make Michael cry include, kittens, the news that Ben & Jerry's discontinued an ice cream flavor and a "very special episode of Family Ties."

Suddenly, we're subjected to Wes telling the camera about his not so hidden agenda of getting famous. "Fame, it's almost like I taste it and I eat it." And then I kill it and hide it in my basement under the floorboards wrapped in thirty layers of gauze and I visit it every night and read it poetry.

I'm going to skip through a bunch of boring stuff now which entailed a group date, snowshoeing and too much Tanner-time and move on to Jilly's one on one date with Reid. Yes, she finally has a date with Reid but before the date, Reid describes himself as over analytical and a bit neurotic proving that HE BELONGS WITH ME - NOT JILLIAN. They go on their date and it honestly feels like I'M ON THE DATE. REID, JILLIAN DOESN'T GET YOU. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT? YOU ARE A SWEET, NERDY, JEWISH GUY WITH AWESOME GLASSES. JILLIAN LOVES SNOW. YOU ARE NOT OUTDOORSY. I LOVE YOU DAMMIT! Sorry for all the yelling. I just had an ice cream sandwich and I feel a little better now.

With the date over, Jillian sits with all the boys when, in perhaps the most disturbing visual in Bachelorette history, Tanner yanks down his pants and waves his package around clad only in tightie whities. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures but Jillian is horrified - although she has to admit he's got a huge one. Tanner let's the camera know that now that Jillian is aware of his foot fetish and the fact that he is "blessed" they are destined for a beautiful future together. Tanner then takes Jillian out to room with a fire place and for approximately the next 10 minutes of the show we are subjected to soft core foot fetish porn as Tanner applies lotion to Jillians feet and rubs them while sweating and thinking of baseball scores.

Tanner to camera: "Now that I've felt up Jillian's feet, I'm ready for her to meet my parents."
camera to Tanner: Ewwwwww.

More of Wes telling the guys he's already got what he wants and has no interest in Jilly.

Rose ceremony: Kipton and Reid already have roses and the other three go to Wes, Jesse and Breakdancey. Tanner is gone and Jake has a breakdown.

The best part of the episode was the coming attractions for down the road where it seems that Jake is going to come back to the show to tell Jilly that Wes is "here for the wrong reasons and he has a girlfriend." Then it's possible that he's going to throw a wrench in her plan to pick Jesse (just a guess) and propose to her. Or maybe Tanner's coming back to rape her feet. I don't know because we couldn't see faces but Jillian is going to be stressing! I haven't been this excited since Deanna Pappas was teased to come back and try and get Jason back. Oh wait, that didn't actually happen. You don't suppose the Bachelorette is trying to get us all riled up for no reason do you? They would never do that to us! Would they? Oh Monday, why must you be an entire weekend away?