Yabba Dabba Don't

People, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I won't be reviewing the Kendra show anymore. The good news is I found God.

As an artiste' (pronounced "arteest" with much pomposity) I often suffer for my art. But one has one's limits. As I sat on my couch last night, down-trodden and depressed that I am in fact the same species as Kendra, it finally dawned on me: I have free will! I don't HAVE to do this anymore. And suddenly the heavens opened and the angels sang and a bright light shined with all of the people who loved me waiting at the end of a tunnel filled with love. Bottom line: God Himself doesn't want me to watch this show anymore so I hope you understand. In fact, God doesn't want ANYONE to watch this show. He's a kind God.

But... before my miracle occurred, I did suffer through most of it last night, sitting there listlessly and limp-necked like Jack Nicholson at the end of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." So here's what happened -- for old times sake:

• They say goodbye to Hank's parents. Hank's mom is crying and you get the distinct feeling it's not "Look at my baby all grown up heading off with the woman he loves" so much as it is "I raised that boy the best way I knew how and now he's marrying a dumb skank with a hyena laugh."
• Kendra and Hank go on a road trip from his home town back to LA. She burps and brushes her teeth in the car and munches haphazardly on potato chips that fall into her abundant cleavage. Stay classy and all that.
• They stop in Roswell, New Mexico and visit a museum dedicated to that supposed UFO incident that occurred in Roswell and we learn Kendy doesn't understand the difference between UFOs and aliens. Kendy, to put this in terms MAYBE you can grasp: Aliens drive the UFOs. Consider the aliens the pilot and the UFO the plane. We hear a long diatribe about how Kendy believes in aliens (and UFOs interchanged) and they don't want to hurt us and probably would just capture humans because they are as curious about us as we are about them. Then in a moment of what might be some glimmer of intelligence, she looks at the camera and says: "We are the aliens to the aliens."
• They stop in Bedrock which has a little Flintstone attraction and Kendy pretends to make out with a life-sized Fred and then they hint they are going to have sex in one of the little huts. I awake from my lobotomized state and start screaming "NONONONONONO!" because we know at some point Kendy gets knocked up and it could very well be at that moment and maybe in some Lost-like way I can affect the past and they won't have sex and Kendy won't get pregnant and Hank can run away from the alter at the last minute and live happily ever after. They close the door to the hut, she makes some guttural groaning noise and I slump back over defeated.
• They visit the Grand Canyon which Kendy refers to as the "big hole." Oh, there's a big hole, alright, but it's not the Grand Canyon.
• Because presumably the E! producers couldn't find even 10 extra minutes of Kendra footage fit for television, they fill the rest of the program up with Kendy's brother's hooker girlfriend whose best bet for future income is starring in a MILF-themed porno.

So, folks, consider this "my notice" with my official reason being "preservation of mental well-being" and "finding Jesus." I will continue, of course, to report on "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" (they have a "big decision" to announce tonight -- WHATEVER COULD IT BE?) and that god-awful Denise Richards show. Toodles.