Dancing with The D-Dog

We begin with Denny mulling over with her father Irv whether she should appear on Dancing with the Stars and her dad reminds her that people hate her guts and that it's up to a public vote who gets let go from the show so she "could be the best dancer there" (no worries on that Irv) and still get voted off because the American population as a whole finds her a vile human being.

So Denise is getting ready to do press for Dancing with the Stars and her luckless sod of an assistant says, presumably because Denny is so excited, "Do you think you'll pee your pants in front of Diane Sawyer?" And now they have my attention because I greatly dislike Diane Sawyer (long story) so I'm thinking maybe Denise will actually pee ON Diane Sawyer.

She is getting introduced on GMA and the announcer roars, "Actress Denise Richards!" At what point will that title cease considering she is no longer acting? I'd prefer to see something along the lines of "Has-Been Husband-Stealer and Reality Show Catastrophe Denise Richards!" Just a suggestion...

Denny meets Max, her dance partner, and Denny looks thrilled and Max looks like he's been served a big bowl of steaming sh--. And, well, really, he kind of has.

Flash to Denny in her car with her two adorable daughters and we learn that Denny talks to her children like they are mentally impaired. "Do you want Mommmmmmmyyyyy to win a troppppphhhhhyyyy?" she asks like she's talking to a brand new puppy who just had an accident on the rug.

Then Denise is on the set of the film Freeloaders where she has taken on the challenge of playing herself, Denise Richards. She "picks the brain" (I hate people who use that expression) of fellow cast member Jane Seymour who did a stint on Dancing the Stars and Jane looks like she'd rather have her brain sucked out with a straw than have it "picked" by Denny. Jane gives Denny a hideous necklace but then we learn Jane designed it herself so we conclude she wasn't so much giving Denny a thoughtful if unsightly present as she was hawking her wares on national television. (Note to Jane: Stick to getting felt up by Owen Wilson and such, Kitty Cat.)

Denny is practicing with Max and he wants to rip her head off and she starts crying and I guess we're suppose to sympathize but I kind of want to send Max a basket from Harry and David to thank him. Then we see Denny at the premiere of DWTS and we see Carrie Ann at the judges' table and I almost faint because I realize how much I've missed her (BAHAHAHAHAHAAA!) and start Googling when next season will start.

D-Dog makes it through the first round of eliminations, but only because the voting public thought Belinda Carlisle was really Priscilla Presley and shouldn't she be back at Graceland mowing the expansive lawn or using tarot cards to keep The King's soul company or something?

So Denny says she will be "humiliated" if she is the second person to be kicked off. More humiliated than when one's ex-husband calls you a "sad, jobless pig" one wonders? Denny is up for elimination against Holly Madison and loses. When one is less popular with the American public than a gal who slept with an octogenarian for cash, one must take a good look at one's self in the mirror.

Denster says it is "very humbling" and she "never thought she'd be voted off" that night, presumably because she thinks Holly is a bigger tart than she is and surely America would agree. Um, apparently not.

The "life lesson" Denny learns through all of this is she "can walk into any room in any situation." Alert Buddha! We have an enlightened one!

Sigh. Do I sound mean, bitter and nasty? Good.