A Double Dose of Denise and Her "Fun Bags"

If you don't like boob jokes I suggest you move it on down the line because this is what E! Entertainment and Denise Richards (and ultimately, Ryan Seacrest) have made me resort to.

Anyway perhaps you noticed (and if not, congratulate yourself on having a life) that I didn't report on last week's "It's Complicated" so I'm doing a double stuffed edition, which is fitting given the subject matter. But the reason I didn't update last week (who the hell are you, my teacher?) is because Denise Richards sucks my will to live. Almost, but not quite as much, as Kendra. So, without further excuses, here we go:

• We learn Denise has friends other than Kim, the poor man's Ellen Barkin, and one actually seems normal. We of course find out later that she is in fact not normal when she names her new baby London.
• Denise decides to throw this city-baby-naming friend a baby shower because she couldn't make the birth of the child because she was "acting on a movie set" playing the part of herself. Nice acting chops, D-Baby. Allow me state the obvious: It's not ACTING if you are Denise Richards playing Denise Richards.
• Denise hires a party planner for the event (because why throw your "dear friend" an "intimate, special" shower that you had to plan yourself?) but the event planner lady (who is clearly an actor and this whole thing is staged but the producers assume anyone watching this show is a complete moron and they are probably about 99.99% correct) isn't listening to Denise (has anyone ever listened to Denise?) and she is fired THE DAY BEFORE THE SHOWER. Oh, the drama!
• Denise and her put-upon assistant (an indentured servant who works weekends) must plan it themselves and we see a flurry of fake phone calls being made. But then we see the venue is the same one the party planner picked out and then the party planner crashes the shower for reasons we still don't know and the whole fabricated story line makes it clear Denise leads a very boring life so much so that the producers must make up events to make this show worth watching. And, yet, somehow it's still not.
• To further prove The D-ster has friends, we see her go to a comedy club to see Krista Allen whose comedy skills are inversely proportionate to her cup size. (Boobs = big. Funny = small. Must I explain everything, people?)
• Krista inspires Denny to try comedy (Krista inspires us all!) and Denny does a skit for FunnyorDie.com because she thinks it will endear her to people if she pokes fun at herself. "It's great to make fun of yourself if people are laughing with you," she tells us, the viewing audience. Um, we're not laughing with you, at you or around you. Besides "fun bags" Denster gets to say "honkers" and "hoo haa" which I suppose is somewhat more hilarious than the term Oprah uses (va-jay-jay).
• Denny thinks this bit is side-splitting good times and congratulates herself about a gazillion times on being able to be poke fun at her image and tells the (mentally impaired) viewers that it was so popular that Ryan Seacrest invited her on his radio show (how many jobs can one man have?) to discuss it. What they FORGET to mention is that Ryan Seacrest is the EXECUTIVE PRODUCER of her show so it sort of behooves him to invite her and her funbags on his program. Oh, we're dumb alright, sugar tits, but not that dumb.
• In prepping with the comic geniuses behind this project, Denny notes "I'm known for my hair, my face and my boobs." And delusions of self grandeur. Hey, Denny, come in real close because I'm gonna tell you a little secret. Ready? Dream on, kid. You're known as a naked tart who married a hooker-loving porn addict and a husband-stealing "friend" of Heather Locklear. But your version is nice too.
• Really, the only likable person in this whole mess is her dad Irv who somehow managed to raise the two most annoying people on the planet (we met D's less attractive but even more grating sister -- who knew such a thing was possible! -- in a previous episode).

Did I miss anything? Oh, yeah. I had to remove all sharp objects, bleach and any substances on which I could possibly OD from my house before sitting down to watch two back-to-back episodes.

Also, I need another show to review. One that doesn't make me want to blow LA off the face of the map. (I'll warn certain ones of you first.) Suggestions? Speak up, people. Your silence bores me.