The Hot Tamale Train

So I vowed to forget last season and just watch this season based on its own merits. And that worked for five minutes before I started wondering when this two hour show would come to an end. When did So … Dance morph into The Biggest Loser? I say that with love, or tolerance, as I do like So … Dance. Relatively speaking, of course. It is a reality show about finding America’s favorite dancer, which if you told me two years ago I would be watching week after week, my first question would be “Did my brain injury happen because a bus hit me?”

But I like it much better than AI, as I’ve stated, and even root for good dancers. On AI, I’m always rooting for the same scenario: Sanjaya to triumphantly reappear and win each and every season, singing only Shakira songs! Dare to dream!

Cue the dancers:

Jeanette and Brandon –

They are recapping the highs and lows for each dancer since the competition started – 3 WEEKS AGO! Blah, blah, blah, Brandon and Jeanette pull off a kick ass salsa or tango or something choreographed by everyone’s favorite Frenchie, Jean Mark. Mary screams and puts them on the hot tamale train, which is her thing, but it has gotten more and more annoying. Plus the dancers react to being put on the hot tamale train like they just hear dance belts are on sale three for a dollar. Hello? It’s a hot tamale train. I don’t even know what that means. I wonder if Mary puts only dancers on the hot tamale train, or does it translate to other parts of her life, like when the cashier at McDonald’s slips her an extra BBQ sauce for her McNuggets. Does that warrant a seat on the Hot Tamale Train?

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Guest judge Mia Michaels must critique Brandon, who was told by her in Vegas that she wasn’t impressed and didn’t understand the hype and called him arrogant, even though everything we have seen of Brandon has been a nice, humble, soft spoken guy. Lo and behold, Mia tells him he was great and she thinks he’s so talented. And then she says she is always hardest on those with the most potential and THAT’S why she was tough on him in Vegas. Way to cover your ass, Mia. I was so hoping she would say she was wrong about him and now sees how great he is. I would have maybe had more respect for her and it’s a shame because I know the one thing she really wants is my respect. Well, you blew it Mia! Instead she plays the inspiration card. Even though she said nothing about thinking he had great potential in Vegas and she was giving him tough love. Whatever. All I know is, after rereading that paragraph, I think I may need therapy.

Kupono and Kayla –

Sonya jazz dance and I don’t pay any attention to Kupono yet he gets high praise. Whatever. They get a seat on the Hot Tamale Train, which doesn’t sound like a very tough ticket. Maybe I’ll go on the Hot Tamale Train for the fourth of July, if nothing better presents itself.

Randi and Evan –

Everyone’s favorite little couple do a Broadway routine that lacks pizzazz. Luckily Nigel tells them they are still in his top ten of favorite dancers on the show. What a compliment! He also reveals that red is one of his favorite primary colors!

Jason and Caitlin –

Some crazy jazz routine where Caitlin is an alien woman who has blown up the earth and now wants to impregnate the last male earthling. Interestingly enough, this idea was ripped straight from one of Mia’s sexual fantasies.

Mia reveals herself as queen of the backhanded compliments when she says this about the choreographer: “I don’t think he set out to choreograph the best routine, just one you could have fun with.” Meaning, I thought the routine wasn’t great. Ah, that Mia. If a guest judge said that about her routine, she would have rushed the stage, but in her mind, she’s just being honest. Is there any chance the Hot Tamale Train can run Mia down as she walks back to her car? Does the Hot Tamale Train take requests?

Jeanine and Phillip –

Surprise, surprise. The hip-hop guy gets hip-hop for the second time in four weeks after struggling the last couple of weeks. All part of the plan to get him into the top ten, which I am fine with.

Napoleon and Tabitha choreographed, and I when we see them I the audience, they look like they are trying so hard to be hip. I will give them this: Napoleon looks like the baddest Gap employee this side of the Grand Canyon.

They do a chain dance (chained together), and Mia says: “I love Nappy Tab (Napoleon and Tabitha, hee,hee!) because they push the envelope and do crazy stuff but the chain took away from the dancing because it stole focus. So it wasn’t a great idea.” The Backhanded Compliment Queen strikes again.

Ade and Melissa –

Randomly (meaning the producers set it up this way) Melissa gets a ballet dance (a patte deux or something. I could look it up but you know what I mean when I say ballet dance. Think Nutcracker, people.), the first one ever done on So…Dance in its five season history which is very lucky because she is the only Ballerina ever on the show. What are the odds!

They do a dance from Romeo and Juliet and Melissa is so excited because she always wanted to play Juliet, even though she is closer to playing the nurse than Juliet at this stage of her career. She may be the first Juliet in history that needed Botox. Couldn’t the producers have picked any other ballet dance? Seriously? Is there nothing else out there? She smiles through the whole routine like someone gave her a tab of ecstasy but the judges love it and give high praise all around, especially for the show So… Dance for bringing such great entertainment into our homes.

We then have a fifteen minute piece on some dance charity before our final dancers perform because it doesn’t really matter. We all know those last two are dead dancers dancing, no matter what. They are:

Vitolio and Karla –

Nigel sealed Vitolio’s fate last week when he said he is next to go and then we learn they get the two-step. Ah, how random. The two dancers in the most trouble get a dance that routinely gets panned. Surprisingly, they pull it off which makes me happy because I feel for Vitolio. First he loses his parents, then he loses Asuka, his dance partner who adores him, and now he is stuck with Karla, who gives him bitchy looks whenever he opens his mouth. Karla, I always liked you but don’t you be mean to poor Vitolio.

The Backhanded Compliment Queen tells them: The choreographer can make you, and he can break you. And tonight, he made you! Thanks Mia.

Bottom 3: Vitolio and Karla, Jason and Caitlin, Randi and Evan (I could see Kupono and Kayla or Ade and Melissa in this spot, but I will stick with the little people). It doesn’t matter, Vitolio and Karla are going home, as they had their tickets stamped last week. Oh well. Perhaps the Hot Tamale Train can give them a ride to wherever they are going next.