It's On Like a Pot of Neck Bones

I have no idea what that means but I think in Wes-speak it's, "I'm gonna be getting me some Spanish tail tonight, ass wipes!" Or perhaps it's the title of his next single after "Love Don't Come Easy."

Either way, if we're trying to improve relations with our foreign allies, I'm pretty sure The Bachelorette's visit to Spain sets us back a few years with our European comrades. Kiptyn bores the entire country (and viewing audience) senseless; Ed's tongue is down Jillian's throat while they practically fornicate in every public fountain; Reid mistakenly orders goat guts or similar at a market; and last BUT IN NO WAY LEAST, Wes may have impregnated half the Spanish population -- Jilly not included -- on his last night in the country. But before we get ahead of ourselves by focusing on the best reality tv villain since Omarosa, let's summarize chronologically:

A date with Kiptyn is first on the agenda. I'm pretty sure Kiptyn and Jesse were the same exact person and ABC is trying to trick us. The only positive going for Kiptyn is his wine-swigging big-mouth mother who grilled Jilly during the hometown dates last week. ("You're used to 'working for your happiness?'," she questioned Jilly somewhat mockingly. "What does that mean?") The family also seems to have some cash, always a somewhat handy quality when seeking a mate. Kippy and Jilly are in Madrid where they take flamenco dancing lessons during the day (shoot me) and go out to dinner via a scooter that night (shoot me again if you missed or simply maimed me the first time). During the painful flamenco scenes Jilly says things like "That is hot!" and worries about Kippy's "boys" because his pants are so tight. We also learn Jilly thinks Kip might be "out of her league." Kip seems to agree and indicates an engagement seems "far off" and despite all of Jilly's protests when Chris Harrison (who apparently is on vacation this week and we learn a rose ceremony flows quite nicely without him) uses the "H" word (Jilly is so nutty!) really Jilly wants to get engaged at the end of this show to whomever is inclined to ask. The infamous Fantasy Suite card comes out and Jilly passes because there will be time for meeting Kip's "boys" another time and I think she's still trying to redeem herself from the Jason hot tub scene from last season that made her look like a tramp.

So... yummy Reid is next. If there is something wrong with Reid -- besides he might actually like Jilly -- someone feel free to speak up. So Jilly and Reid meet up in Seville and they go shopping for picnic items and Reid tries out his bad Spanish (Mi amore, Reid!). She pesters Reid for compliments from his family and blah blah blah and let's fast forward to the Fantasy Suite card. Jilly again denies an overnighter. There will be plenty of time for hanky panky when the remaining three suitors woo Jilly in Hawaii, we're led to believe.

Eddy is back, baby! They meet somewhere in Spain (I'm running out of Spanish cities I can remember) and break the Spanish record for a continuous marathon make-out session. Is it me or is Eddy a two-face? Why does he sometimes look like a Greek God and at other times Herman Munster? I wonder if this is somehow connected to his absence and he purposely got out of the hometown dates because his family is horrific-looking but they don't know it and he is the Marilyn of the clan ... Regardless, we still don't know if Ed has a job or gave it up to come back to win Jilly's love. Jilly doesn't seem concerned about this even though she sent Robby (the in-between bartending jobs guy) home because of his lack of security (and perhaps a wicked bad booze problem alluded to by the other contestants). The Fantasy Suite card comes and GUESS WHAT??? Jilly decides she will reward Eddy's bad behavior of leaving the show by spending the night with him. "We'll sleep in our clothes" she tells him for the benefit of the viewing audience. Right, J-Baby, and Wes wrote "Love Don't Come Easy" just for you...

And now it's Wes' turn. Him and Jilly go to Barcelona and Wes won't come within 10 feet of Jilly because presumably Laurel, his alleged girlfriend back at home, is finally pissed that he got to sing his f@#$ing song already so why isn't his unshowered ass back in Austin where it belongs? So Jilly gets all needy and balled up and brings up the whole girlfriend crap again and whether Wes is here for the right reasons and Wes keeps downing something that looks like Scotch straight up and squirms like he'd rather be strung up by his fingernails than spend one more minute with Jilly. Then the Fantasy Suite card comes and by now Jilly is in tears from his lack of affection and he reads the card and she says, "What do you think?" and we think he'll say, "I'd rather f@#$ the one-legged bird we saw during our picnic" but Wes smiles and says, "Let's do it." It was, if you have any sense of humor whatsoever, hilarious. Jilly says "Let's skip it" through tears presumably hoping he'll beg to make sweet love to her or at least let him sing her another track on his upcoming CD.

So Eddy is the only one who got some lovin' or all night cuddlin' or whatever.

Then here comes the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison is MIA maybe because ABC is on a budget and sprung for three un-used Fantasy Suites and I barely miss the "Jillian, this is your last rose" and "Say your goodbyes."

Kip seems to think he might be going home and Wes says it'll be him and assures the guys he'll "be having lots of sex back in Texas." We see Eddy kind of grin at that while the uptight Kip looks horrified. As was apparent, Jilly sends Wes and his guitar back to Austin and perhaps a smoking-mad Laurel. But not before Wes' limo ride home where he tells us he plans to go out his last night in Spain and get laid and he now can stop acting like he gives a rat's ass about Jilly and he is giddy to have his chains removed and even imitates cutting them off. "Click click click click," he notes as he mockingly snips them away. Because Wes has provided hours of entertainment I'm going to forgive him slamming Reid on his way out ("How do you lose to Reid? You gotta be kidding me!") Then he tells us that the other three guys who are left "wouldn't even get a nibble" in Texas.

And then, because why be on camera if he can't sing, Wes goes out in a swirl of liquor, curse words and a ditty: "I'm in Spain! Everyone's gonna know my name! In Spain!' Indeed. Pan back to Jilly drinking champagne with the final three and she gives some embarrassing speech about how hard it was to tell Wes goodbye but she "has butterflies and she's pumped." She observes that everyone "will be so proud of her" for her choices because presumably she figured out 10 years after everyone else that Wes was only there to promote his music even though a uniformed, rejected pilot made a special trip -- hopefully on his miles -- to warn her.

As the now quotable Wes said, "I was born at night. But it wasn't last night..." which is completely unrelated to anything written here but I had to work it in somehow. Happy trails, Wes! PLEASE return for the guys tell-all episode. And see to it that ABC provides security. You'll need it.