So...Dance, You Got Some 'Splaining to Do!

Before we hit this week, I need to address last week. More specifically, for the first time this season, I was bummed about the vote-off. Here’s the deal. I know Vitolio wasn’t the strongest dancer and I knew the judges were gunning for him. But he was likeable and had a good back story. But … the writing was on the wall. We all knew it. Vitolio, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya! I knew it would take a miracle to keep him around, and when I asked for a miracle, the gods of reality television gave me – Kupono’s solo dance. What a disaster! He looked like he was at a rave minus the glow stick. And as I watched Kupono – who I can guarantee you has been to more than one rave in his life – tank the dance, hope sparked in my soul. Vitolio would have to be saved, because the judges would look at this monstrosity (seriously, a three year old could have done the same routine, only with more feeling) and send Kupono back to whatever blacked out warehouse he came from with a box of sparklers as a parting gift. Vitolio would live to dance another day.

Yet when judgment came, Vitolio got the axe anyway. Why call it dance for your life if it’s not? Kupono's dance didn't warrant a free hot dog, much less his life. Plus, the decision was unanimous, so I can’t even blame the evil Mia Michaels for saving her beloved Kupono. Vitolio went home, even though he and Kupono had both consistently been in the bottom three and they had danced comparably the night before. Fairness and competition, why hast thou forsaken Vitolio?

There is only thing I can conclude from all this: So … Dance is prejudiced against Haitian orphans. Just when I thought this country was making strides in this arena, So … Dance sets back Haitian orphan relations at least twenty years. Alas. With heavy heart, let’s get to the dancers (sans Vitolio) who are dancing TWO routines tonight to get into the top ten dancers, who go on the tour:

Melissa and Ade –
Disco routine which is fine. Not as good as Brandon’s and Janette’s from earlier in the season, but I still marvel at the fact that the crazy-eyed girl and the guy who always has a pick in his hair are front runners, these many weeks in. And that makes me happy, because who would have thought that a guy with a dream and a pick at the ready could be a frontrunner. I have renewed faith in America, regardless of our treatment of Haitian orphans.

Kupono and Kayla –
A Mia Michaels routine about addiction, and it is actually really good. Hold on, taking temperature. Nope, not feverish. I actually liked a Mia routine, maybe because everyone didn’t wet themselves over how great she is. To be fair, she had a rich source to pull inspiration, as we all know about her struggles to beat an addiction to Krispy Kreme donuts. Someday Mia, you shall overcome.

The weird thing was Kupono crying because he had to play the addictive character. Buck up, dude. You and Jason are battling for the fifth guy slot because one of you is going home. This thing has been cast. Trust me, you can’t get all weepy now, not after you stole Vitolio’s ticket. But as Kupono danced well, all I could think was this is bad news for Jason.

Caitlin and Jason –
They perform the fox trot and the choreographer says Jason must be the macho man. Jason + Macho man = Uh-oh. The only time Jason could be the macho man, is if he is dancing with Kupono, and like I said one of them is a goner this week, so that will never happen (on television, that is). Mary and Tice, the guest judge, do have a snap-off, so we have that going for us as a viewing audience. You ain’t lived until you’ve seen Mary Murphy snap, only to be one-upped by the king of snaps, Mr. Tice Diorio!

Jeanine and Phillip –
They get a Russian folk dance choreographed by a couple who look like they were pulled out of a tour group at Universal. “Wow, you have big shark ride. What? You want us teach folk dance? What a country!” Seriously, the guy is wearing a red novelty sweatshirt with the kremlin on it.

All could be forgiven if the dance was good. Unfortunately Jeanine and Phillip looked like they were auditioning to be a feature attraction at the Epcot center. They looked like two runaways from It’s a Small World. After, Nigel rips the dance and puts down the choreography, saying they danced it well but it was a mistake to have that on the show. I wanted Phillip to rip the microphone from Cat (who looked very retro and still the best thing about So … Dance) and say: “Hey executive producer, you’re the douchebag that hired Stolichnaya and Yakov and made us dress in these ridiculous costumes. And now we’re the assholes?!”

Randi and Evan –

Hip-hop routine by Nappy Tab about a girl who is pregnant and the guy is asking her to marry him. All very weird and not in reality. Would have been much better if the guy demanded to see the stick and then ran for the hills. One of the judges liked it and said “Napoleon and Tabitha were smart and played to your strengths. They didn’t make you become urban.” This while Nappy and Tab nodded, even though we know those two wouldn’t know urban if it shanked them in the shower.

Brandon and Janette –
Argentine Tango, which they kill. Brandon is the best on the show and getting better. ‘Nuff said. Quick question: if they replaced Mary with a screeching monkey, would the show miss a beat? It may actually improve the show, as the monkey would hurl poop at the dancers it doesn’t like, as opposed to Mary, who merely tries to shatter glass. Screech, screech, screech is all I hear when she talks. Oh, and Hot Tamale Train, for which these two get tickets.

Round Two and we need to speed this up:

Ade and Melissa –
Waltz. Fine. Ade carries Melissa around as she does ballerina shit. Great.

Kayla and Kupono –
Broadway. West Side story. Not great comments from the judges, as it is time to pop Kupono’s balloon. Look, the judges need to get serious about putting Kupono and Jason in bottom three. If not them, then who? If not now, then when?

Jason and Caitlin –

Get a Mandy Moore (the choreographer, not the singer, as my HD tuner can testify) jazz routine, which they should kill, but once again lukewarm remarks. You can’t beat the system, kids. Get over it.

Phillip and Jeanine –
The jive, which should be death for Phillip, but we all know that the judges need Phillip in that Top Ten, they want him in the Top Ten. As long as he doesn’t take a header, he’s getting good remarks. Nigel: “Best Phillip has been out of his own style!” Translation: Top Ten, here he comes, no matter what. Kupono, put down the razor. You can still beat out Jason.
Mary puts only Jeanine on the Hot Tamale Train, which I didn’t think was possible, but the way she hands out tickets, maybe seating is limited.

Randi and Evan –
Samba choreographed by Pascha and Anya. Wasn’t hot, but it’s the wee ones dancing a spicy samba so let’s give them a pass. Yes, I’m giving Randi a pass, but she was good. The best part is when Tice interrupts Mary to give his critique and Mary gets upset. Why? Because she didn’t get to say Randi was a Hot Tamale! Heaven forefend!

Brandon and Janette –

The best twosome. Brandon’s winning this thing, no? And then Mia will say how she knew it all along. Even Mary gets in one last screech, something about saving the best for last, but I don’t know if she means the dance or her last chance to blow out our ear drums.

Bottom three: Pointless to do a bottom three. Look, the show has four of the five guys all set for top ten: Brandon (the do everything best of the bunch), Evan (the Broadway guy), Ade (solid, pick in the hair schtick, strong, token non-gay black guy), and Phillip (the last of the hip-hop dancers). So Kupono and Jason: Get ready to dance for your lives and remember one of you gets the honor of being eliminated next week instead!

As for the girls, Melissa (ballerina), Randi (spunky), and Kayla (most talented, even though she has been in the bottom multiple times) are all safe. Janette and Jeanine have gotten kudos so it looks like it’s curtains for Caitlin.

So what is my point? Because going into tonight, I could guarantee you who would be safe, without even seeing a dance. Do I put way too much thought into So… Dance? Most likely. Do I need a hobby that doesn’t include mentally figuring out which dancers are assured another week while taking a shower on a Monday morning? Possibly. Am I right about how this is going to play out? Of course I am, because as they say, “when you point a finger at someone else, three fingers point back at you, confirming that you know what’s up!” And I know what is up!

Why do I say all this? Because the biggest thing we have learned is when we know the outcome, don’t waste my time with twelve dances. That takes way too much time to recap. Come on So… Dance, give a blogger a break! I have other things to do, like repair our broken relations with the Haitian orphans of America. Thanks for nothing So … Dance! (Not you Cat, never you!)