Project Runway: The Return

Praise be to Halston, Heidi and Tim are back! And not only have they moved their show to the Lifetime channel, home of Valerie Bertinelli, they've also moved their entire fabric-covered carnival to Los Angeles, home of...Valerie Bertinelli. Damn, Val. Now that you lost those 30 pounds of fat, you're everywhere. Dial it down a little, baby. Have a cupcake.

Alright, as episode one begins, the new group of wannabe designers appears to be the same freaky pack as usual. A few gay guys, an older German woman, a couple blonde chicks from the South, an effusive African-American woman named "Qristyl" who designs clothes for larger women that she calls "Plus Sexy," and of course, a few contestants who look like they need a long, hot shower and someone to forcibly cut off their skinny jeans so the blood can once again flow to their chiffon-infused brains. (I'm looking at you, Ra'Mon.)

A few minutes in, the show doesn't look or feel much different from when PR was on that other network that has Real Housewives and rhymes with Smavo. Copycats, but whatevs. The inaugral challenge for our new friends is to design a "red carpet look," to which Malvin--the androgynous Asian menance with a puffy fauxhawk--responds, "I don't see red carpets. I'm colorblind to carpets" or some other such douchey thing like that that makes me want to punch him senseless with my empty bottle of Sutter Home. (And not to show off my public school education or anything, but doesn't "Mal" + "Vin" translate into "Bad Wine" in some other language? So therefore, my instincts on hurting Malvin are not so off the mark, now are they?)

After the usual hi-jinks and freakouts and "YOU DON'T KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO MAKE PLEATS BECAUSE I USED TO BE A CRYSTAL METH ADDICT!" confessions, the dresses are done and Minnesota Christoper, who apparently can't wear a hat at a straight angle and must look like a douchebag at all times or they'll take away his Ed Hardy credit card, wins for a flirty cocktail dress that guest judge LINSDAY LOHAN really liked. Yeah, that's right. I said LINDSAY. Who in a rare show of professionalism, wasn't wasted, naked or fighting with her DJ girlfriend Squiggy during her 10-minutes of camera time. The reason behind this normality is either LaLohan's finally maturing, or it wasn't actually her, it was that girl who looks like her from The Parent Trap doing her a huge-ass favor, or our homegirl Nina Garcia threatened to give Linds a wedgie with her own leggings if she didn't behave like a grown-up for once in her life. I'm not sure what it was, but her maturity was hugely disappointing to both me and the Lifetime execs who booked her hoping it'd result in a a coke-fueled US Weekly cover. Sigh.

After some tense drumbeats, we find out that the loser of the challenge is, no surprise, hippie girl Ari for her futuristic soccer ball outfit that everyone hated with a white hot passion. Ari's early exit was predicted previously in the show when, instead of sketching her design, she instead did some weird form of inverted yoga and tried to channel her garmet into her probably already very frail psyche. But her leaving the show isn't all bad news, as I'm sure her former co-workers at the San Dimas medical marajuana club will be happy to have her back on the night shift. After all, nobody slings bud as fashionably as Ari.

Episode 2 recap coming soon!