Wiping Out at the Surfin' Safari

Here we go--the recap of Episode 3! But I feel it's only fair to warn you all that I'm writing this on Sunday, and I watched the show three days ago after I'd had a glass of wine or two. Meaning, much like the JoBros' virginity pledge, this probably isn't going to make a lot of sense.

But let's pretend that I know what I'm talking about and begin with our contestants showing up on the beach to receive this week's challenge--from a flip-flop wearing Tim Gunn. Yes, as a way to show that he's really getting into the L.A. spirit, our Mr. Gunn is indeed wearing a pair of flip-flops with his chinos and blazer, making him look like Jesus: The Interior Decorator. ("No, no, the stone tablets should be hung vertically, not horizontally! Oh, Moses, can you please just make it work? Thank you!")

Tim tells them that the challenge of the week is to design a "surf inspired look" for the surly pack of girl surfers posed on the beach behind him. But the look also has to incorporate a "hair design" from Garnier. (Boo-yah! In your face Tres Semme!) Personally, I find the Garnier part a little weird, but maybe that's just because the only "hair design" I have when I'm on the beach is called "The Greasy, Sandy Ponytail That Nobody Wants to Touch."

Anyway, Tim then tells the designers that this will be a TEAM CHALLENGE and oh, Lawdy, does that make everyone freak out. After they pair up, do some sketches and run crazily around Mood, the designers begin to put together their garments. Everything's going well until Tim pops in and announces that they also have to design an avant-garde look as well. Augh! Two looks! Panic! But then everyone quickly calms down and seems to be getting along swimmingly. Well, except for Qristyl, the plus-Sexy designer and her partner Epperson who looks like the love child of Venus Flytrap from WKRP In Cincinnati and Bob Marley. They're not getting along so well because apparently, Epperson is quite bossy, and Qristyl doesn't want to be told what to do because, as she reminds us 100 times, she is "the team leader." Yay, drama! But while I eagerly wait for her to go all Whitney on Epp's ass and scream, "Oh, hell to the no!" and pull out his dreadlocks with a rusty seam ripper, instead all she does is pout. Zzzzzzz.

There's also trouble in paradise between Ra'Mon, the shy, sensitive dude who last week designed a maternity dress that looked like a bowling ball carrier, and his partner, whitebread Southerner Mitchell, who was not only in the bottom two the first week for sending a nearly-naked model down the runway, but also in the bottom last week for making a pair of maternity shorts so huge that two regular size people could wear them at the same time. I predict Mitchell's future in fashion involves the words "mall" and "kiosk."

Anyway, I'm not sure what's going on between these two, exactly, but it's making Ra'Mon quite upset. Unfortunately for us viewers, Ra'Mon must be on the same heavy duty pharmaceuticals as Qristyl because his being "upset" has about as much energy as a pile of rocks. For the love of God, what's with these people? Did they learn nothing from Omarosa or The Real Housewives of New Jersey? I mean, throw us a hissy fit. Push over a table. Choke a stripper. You're on TV, man.

The runway show begins and today we have guest judges Max Azaria, a designer who needs subtitles even when he's speaking English, and a chick from one of those teenager sex shows, Rachel Bilson. Where's Michael Kors this year? Prison? Anyway, after we see all of the models, they narrow it down to the loosahs and the winnahs. The loosahs for this challenge are the smug Nicolas and his partner Gordana, mostly because of this horror show that has about as much in common with the beach as I do with a sensible diet and exercise regimen:


Whaaa??? Are there beaches in Skank Town? Are hookers surfing now? Is she a tranny jellyfish? Confusion sets in.

But then comes the most shocking moment, even more shocking than lace garters at the beach, the winnahs for the challenge are----Ra'Mon and Mitchell! OMG, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! Only here's the added shocker: even though his team won the challenge, Mitchell is still kicked off the show! Burn! Sorry, buddy, but maybe in retrospect it wasn't such a good idea to tell the judges that Ra'Mon did all of the work and you did nothing. After all, the first rule of reality TV to lie your ass off whenever the cameras point in your direction.

Like I said, haven't you people learned anything from The Real Housewives of New Jersey?