Love Doesn't Have a Job

So yeah, I'm four days late in this recap. I'm not getting paid, people. But I'm ready now to get this train out of the station. That was the "theme" for last Monday's Bachelorette; trains, tunnels and Tanner's package. Subtle, ABC, very subtle.

We start out the show knowing that out of the eight dudes still playing, only five will make it through to next week for the "hometown dates" and the bulk of the episode will take place on a train. At this news, Michael can't stop breakdancing, Robby makes an unfortunate hatwear decision and Tanner sweats profusely.

Jilly is still mourning Ed (he didn't die, sweetie, he just decided that going on the Bachelorette was personal and career suicide and decided to stop before it was too late. If only Sanjaya could go back in time two years) and needs someone to cheer her up. That someone is Robby.

On their one-on-one date, the cheering up begins with Robby making Jilly a drink because he's a bartender. Only right now it turns out that he's "between gigs." I guess with the down economy and all, bartenders are getting hit the hardest.

Jilly tells Robby that she wants to start a family "Not today or in 6-months but very soon." Robby is totally up for it in spite of his pesky "between jobs" situation. But Robby has a unique perspective on it which he shares with the camera. "Love doesn't have an age. Love doesn't have a job." Robby is either an enlightened Buddhist oooor a lazy fuck. I'm going with the latter.

Unfortunately for Robby, the not working or being particularly interested in things like income or goals is a bigger roadblock for Jilly and Robby gets left at the next station.

Breakdancy cries at the news that Robby is being left behind worrying that he's going to get eaten by a bear or freeze to death in the snow. Other things that make Michael cry include, kittens, the news that Ben & Jerry's discontinued an ice cream flavor and a "very special episode of Family Ties."

Suddenly, we're subjected to Wes telling the camera about his not so hidden agenda of getting famous. "Fame, it's almost like I taste it and I eat it." And then I kill it and hide it in my basement under the floorboards wrapped in thirty layers of gauze and I visit it every night and read it poetry.

I'm going to skip through a bunch of boring stuff now which entailed a group date, snowshoeing and too much Tanner-time and move on to Jilly's one on one date with Reid. Yes, she finally has a date with Reid but before the date, Reid describes himself as over analytical and a bit neurotic proving that HE BELONGS WITH ME - NOT JILLIAN. They go on their date and it honestly feels like I'M ON THE DATE. REID, JILLIAN DOESN'T GET YOU. CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT? YOU ARE A SWEET, NERDY, JEWISH GUY WITH AWESOME GLASSES. JILLIAN LOVES SNOW. YOU ARE NOT OUTDOORSY. I LOVE YOU DAMMIT! Sorry for all the yelling. I just had an ice cream sandwich and I feel a little better now.

With the date over, Jillian sits with all the boys when, in perhaps the most disturbing visual in Bachelorette history, Tanner yanks down his pants and waves his package around clad only in tightie whities. I guess desperate times call for desperate measures but Jillian is horrified - although she has to admit he's got a huge one. Tanner let's the camera know that now that Jillian is aware of his foot fetish and the fact that he is "blessed" they are destined for a beautiful future together. Tanner then takes Jillian out to room with a fire place and for approximately the next 10 minutes of the show we are subjected to soft core foot fetish porn as Tanner applies lotion to Jillians feet and rubs them while sweating and thinking of baseball scores.

Tanner to camera: "Now that I've felt up Jillian's feet, I'm ready for her to meet my parents."
camera to Tanner: Ewwwwww.

More of Wes telling the guys he's already got what he wants and has no interest in Jilly.

Rose ceremony: Kipton and Reid already have roses and the other three go to Wes, Jesse and Breakdancey. Tanner is gone and Jake has a breakdown.

The best part of the episode was the coming attractions for down the road where it seems that Jake is going to come back to the show to tell Jilly that Wes is "here for the wrong reasons and he has a girlfriend." Then it's possible that he's going to throw a wrench in her plan to pick Jesse (just a guess) and propose to her. Or maybe Tanner's coming back to rape her feet. I don't know because we couldn't see faces but Jillian is going to be stressing! I haven't been this excited since Deanna Pappas was teased to come back and try and get Jason back. Oh wait, that didn't actually happen. You don't suppose the Bachelorette is trying to get us all riled up for no reason do you? They would never do that to us! Would they? Oh Monday, why must you be an entire weekend away?

So ... Bored

Let’s get right to the dancing but can you believe in less than two months So … Dance season 5 will be over and season 6 won’t begin for another whole month! What will we do!

Karla and Jonathan:

These two get a hip-hop routine and it’s official. Call off the search! We have found the whitest man in America. Ladies and gentlemen: JONATHAN. How bad was Jonathan? On a whim, I looked up “cheesedick” in the dictionary yesterday morning. No entry. I look it up again today; there is a picture of Jonathan. And this was an actual dictionary I keep in my house. True story!

Nigel rips into them pretty good (about time we have criticism and not just waxing poetic on how great So…Dance is and how it has made dance so much better and how the choreographers are awesome and we should commend them blah, blah, blah. Hey, it’s not like Shane was the choreographer.) Mary tells us she is in touch with her inner gangster – NOT REALLY! Then also puts them down. Even Toni Basil, who definitely has had no work done, okay maybe a little, um, okay maybe some, okay … gives them bad reviews. I looked up Toni Basil on the interweb – She’s 66 years old. Maybe I should cut her a break since she looks so much better than Mia Michaels (which isn’t difficult, but at 66, still an accomplishment.)

Vitolio and Asuka:

Jazz, Mandy Moore, Tears, Oh My! – Vitolio comforts Asuka, who is having trouble with the steps. I’m sorry, but I like the guy. He’s like a rock. Unfortunately, I still think Asuka was not good but Nigel LOVES it! Then Mary, who keeps flashing her armpits which were not made for HD, gives criticism. What the hell is going on! Has our universe turned inside out. Doesn’t Mary usually just scream? She critiques even after Nigel’s love fest. I think we could be in for a very special night – NOT REALLY!

Ade and Melissa:

Crazy eyes and Pick rumba it up, and earn high marks. Who knew that Ade and his pick would be one of the ones to beat? This guy! Although, really, I was searching for anything promising in this batch of contestants and everyone knows I am a sucker for a guy with a pick in his hair.

Jeanette and Brandon:

Another hip hop routine, but with a twist. Brandon is hip-hop, Jeanette is rock n’ roll. I guess rock n’ roll means constantly opening your mouth in a weird sneer, because that is what Jeanette does the whole dance. But Brandon kicks ass and that always makes me happy, just because I know it makes Mia roll over in her grave every time he gets praise. (Note: I know she is not technically dead but I’m pretty sure she sleeps in the ground and feeds off unlucky vermin that crawl too close to her lair.)

Kayla and Kupono:

Viennese Waltz. Kayla gets a new partner she can try to carry for awhile, but alas Kupono is not long for this competition. I have a feeling Kayla is the So … Dance equivalent of Dirty Harry, as her partners will keep getting eliminated as she moves on, destroying each dance that comes along. Destroying in a good way.

Randi and Evan:

They do a dance choreographed by the one, the only … Mia Michaels. Oh, joy. It’s basic and the pair performs it well. Whatever. I’m nervous that Randi and Evan are becoming front-runners because that tells you how boring this season is. Those two should be the scrappy underdogs who people hope stay around. Also, Nigel loves the dance for its simplicity, which he has to say or else Mia Michaels will eat him. Then they flash to Mia in audience, but is that even her? It may very well be John Denver. Which is when Nigel should have given another speech about how wonderful So… Dance has become, it’s even bringing celebrities back from the dead. All that being said, I will give props to Randi and Evan. They may not be my type (cool and down to earth black guy dancers, attractive female dancers, or hip hop dancers) but they were good. I feel a little dirty writing that.

Jason and Caitlin:

Here comes the Paso Doble and it was pretty uninspiring, which was how the judges responded. Although, Toni now looks as if she broke into Paula’s personal stash, as she seems more and more dazed. To be fair, she is 66 and two hours is a long time to stay focused on a bunch of dancers not named Twitch.

Jeanine and Phillip:

The last hope of the hip-hop dancers, Phillip, has to do Broadway, choreographed by Tice Diorio (or Tasty Oreo, as was pointed out in a comment on an earlier post. That may actually be the best part of the routine, thinking about eating tasty oreos, or cold stone creamery which is what I am eating which can contain oreos although mine doesn’t but I slightly digress.) Unfortunately, he is not great. I’m guessing Nigel will drag him into the top ten dancers so he can go on tour.

Bottom three: Karla and Jonathan, Jason and Caitlin, Jeanine and Phillip. Good chance Phillip still gets the votes and Kayla and her next eliminated partner, Kupono fall into bottom 3 Actually, I could also see Vitolio and Asuka down there, unless America is warmed by Vitolio’s big heart. Look at me, I have five couples out of eight in the bottom 3. What a good prediction! I also predict Cat Deeley will be hosting tonight. I know, my psychic powers are eerie.

Jonathan and Karla are goners although I like Karla, so maybe Caitlin, or perhaps Jeanette. Yes, I didn’t predict her in the bottom three, but really, aren’t most of these girls interchangeable. I bet no one will even notice if she goes home or Jeanine. Uh-oh, am I saying Randi is one of the most memorable girls. What the hell is going on! See what happens as we whittle away the most boring group of dancers ever. Everything is out of sync.Up is down, left is right, Mia is Andy Warhol. Suddenly So … Dance has gotten a whole lot craaaaaaaaazzzzzzier!

Jungle Fever Is Almost Done

I was on vacation last week in a wonderful, magical land that doesn't have reality TV, so I unfortunately fell a bit behind in watching I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. I know. It's been a tragedy for all of you who just can't get enough of my recaps on Janice Dickinson's loogie hurling. I'm so sorry.

But take heart, peoples, because last night I sat down on the couch and subjected myself to the FIVE HOURS of jungle mayhem that were recorded on my DVR. Yeah, that's right. I said FIVE HOURS of watching Sanjaya scratch his bug bites and eat rice and beans. By hour four of this tropical torture, I was curled in the fetal position, sucking my thumb and hoarsely asking my husband if the governor of Texas had called to put a stay on my lethal injection by D-list celebrities. (He hadn't. The bastard.)

Anyway, since my last recap, there have been changes a plenty in Costa Rica, so let me tell you who the three finalists now are:

Torrie Wilson: Pretty, blonde pro-wrestler who can kick anyone's ass. She actually seems very normal and smart, but I'm guessing that after the show's over, she'll turn to either Jesus or a jug of tequila to try to erase the memory of Stephen Baldwin wiping his ass with a banana tree.

Lou Diamond Phillips: I kind of have a crush on Mr. La Bamba. He's been the most level-headed, coolest jungle dweller of them all. I really think his career is going to take off after this show. Like maybe to Canadian public access TV.

John Salley: Big, funny giant basketball dude who likes to light leaves on fire and smoke them. He's lost 21 pounds so far from being in the jungle. Are you listening, Kirstie Alley? Put down the Twinkie and buy some bug spray, baby. You're headed to Haiti.

Now, what's in store for the non-finalists? The dearly departed? The celebrities who are even MORE unpopular than the three listed above? Well, here are some educated guesses:

Patti Blogvenovichobnich: BFF of John Salley. Will next be seen in an Oak Park Target Greatland buying a new tankini/skirtini because the one she wore in the jungle now smells like Baldwin feet.

Montag of the Month: I'm sure MTV has something lined up for her when "The Hills" is over. Like "The Valley." Or "The Ravine." Or "The Stock Room at the Calabasas Dress Barn Outlet." Or maybe she'll just murder Speidi in their sleep at their next family get-together and become a national hero.

Stephen Baldwin: Next seen in a straight-to-DVD buddy movie with Frank Stallone, Jim Hanks, Ken Depp and Melvin Pitt called, "So Close, But Yet So Far: The DNA Losers."

Janice Dickinson: Oh, Janice. You're the most constipated, phlegmy, lying, kleptomaniac we know. I'm not sure what you're going to do next, but there'll probably be a lawyer, a psychiatrist and an exotic animal wrangler involved. And also a camera crew from Bravo TV.

Sanjaya: "Hi! Welcome to Chili's! I'm Sanjaya! Can I start you off with an Awesome Blossom?"

Now there are only TWO shows to go before we find out who will be crowned King or Queen of the Jungle (aka Lord of the Dipshits). I can't wait for it to be over! I mean, so I can get my life back and all that. Not because I'm excited or anything. Geez. As if.

D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Well, folks, it's official. There's a little country diddy about this by the late great Tammy Wynette and it goes a li'l somethin' like this. And obviously it's not Stand By Your Man, although I'd pay good money to see Kate Gosselin in that get-up Tammy's wearing.

So in the first confessional featuring Jon you can't help but notice a silver stud in each ear. Don't you just get the feeling Jon wanted both ears pierced for a LONG TIME but Kate said no way in hell and so the minute they officially separated and he was no longer afraid she'd castrate him in his sleep he finally did it? I mean, if she could have that hair couldn't he have a signature "look" too? I bet Jon turns progressively more rebellious until he looks something like this by next season. If there is a next season.

Regardless, what strikes me as ironic is these two people are finally attractive comparatively speaking and won't touch each other and yet they were willing to have sex when they looked like the type of person who would actually have dinner at Denny's. (Breakfast and late-night drunken binges at Denny's are -- and I hope this goes without saying -- quite acceptable.)

But in Kate's defense (stay with me here, people) perhaps she is just normal overbearing for a mother except hers is multiplied by eight. I mean, I have two kids and am probably one-quarter as bitchy to my husband as Kate is to Jon. So, if you do the math, relatively speaking I AM KATE GOSSELIN. Perhaps we ALL are Kate Gosselin. (I should have been born in the Plato era and been one of those philosopher types... except I don't know if there was reality tv back then so where would I have concentrated my deep thoughts?)

And let's keep this focused on me where it always should be: What the hell am I supposed to do all summer? Reports are saying the show is going on "hiatus" and the next all-new episode won't air until August. I gave up on Kendra (see you in hell, bitch) and now this. I may take up knitting. Or more likely crack. Or maybe I'll find out where Jon and his earrings plan to party and stalk him so I have really good scoop when the show resumes in six weeks.

So besides the "big news" the show last night was one big informercial for these crooked playhouses for kids which the Gosselins got (for free) in the hope a bunch of dumb asses buy ones that are not for free. (It worked -- this dumb ass wants one.)

That's it, people. There is only so much you can say about 45 minutes of eight kids playing nicely and 15 minutes of two adults not playing nicely. I think Jon said it best when he noted he is only 32 years old and has his whole life in front of him. Why put up with that crap from a woman whose voice makes you want to dig out your own eardrums with a screwdriver when he can go galavanting off to Utah with a younger chick and get his entire body pierced if he so chooses? I just hope this doesn't start a grass roots uprising among berated men everywhere ...

Denise, Dating and Degenerates

I've hesitated to post my commentary on "It's Complicated" because I've been trying to think of a tactful way to ask this without insulting our West Coast contingent, and the following is the best I can come up with: Are all people in LA fucking freaks?

I realize here in the Midwest we dress like potato farmers from time to time and the biggest celebrity living in Chicago is Bill Rancic, but at least very few people like those featured on Denise Richards' show reside here. But let's not start a regional war of words, shall we? Let's just get to the recap:

• Denise's geriatric girlfriend is back and she looks sort of like an unsexy version of Ellen Barkin if Ellen Barkin was slightly disfigured. She sets Denise up with some necklaced machismo who looks like a scalp-challenged ex-soap extra with a bit part (like maybe he once combed Erica Kane's hair or something). Denise is surprised her friend would set her up with such a loser. Umm, D. Baby, have you SEEN your friend? "Class" is not her middle name.
• Denise's assistant sets her up with an angular-mugged suitor with puffy blond hair who keeps checking himself out in the mirror. He's actually better than the other guy but that's like saying you enjoy speckled bologna lunch meat better than Spam.
• Due to two failed dates, Denise asks her trainer to go with her to a Valentines Day dinner she has arranged. Denise tells us, the viewing audience, that her trainer has been "after her ass for years." Oh, he seems like he's after some ass alright, but I don't think it's Denise's ass or any other ass belonging to a female if you get my drift. Regardless, he tells her at the end of the "date" that if they aren't with other people by next Valentine's Day, they should be together. Dear Trainer: No worries there! Neither one of you will be with other people by next year or the year after that or the year after that or even 30 years from the year after that.
• We meet Denise's sister and the impossible occurs: I dislike her sister even more than I dislike Denise. And looking at her is kind of sad. Like you know if a different egg had collided with a different sperm she had the chance to be really good looking but the combined DNA that resulted to determine her genes was just a bit off although you can't quite put your finger on what went wrong. And she's married to a mute man with a bulbous head.
• So Denise's sister is upset their dad took this really nice French lady to this Valentine's Day dinner even though she knew it was going to happen and it was only their second date and the poor guy is a widow and just trying to find companionship. She gets up crying in the middle of dinner and it's awkward but not as awkward as Denise's trainer guy telling the new couple that they should "have sex on their third date."
• And speaking of Denise's questionable taste in men, I have a whole new appreciation for why Charlie Sheen locked himself in the basement with his computer their entire marriage: Denise and everyone she associates with suck to high heaven (except perhaps her father).

Dear God don't let Sunday come again too soon.

Yabba Dabba Don't

People, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is I won't be reviewing the Kendra show anymore. The good news is I found God.

As an artiste' (pronounced "arteest" with much pomposity) I often suffer for my art. But one has one's limits. As I sat on my couch last night, down-trodden and depressed that I am in fact the same species as Kendra, it finally dawned on me: I have free will! I don't HAVE to do this anymore. And suddenly the heavens opened and the angels sang and a bright light shined with all of the people who loved me waiting at the end of a tunnel filled with love. Bottom line: God Himself doesn't want me to watch this show anymore so I hope you understand. In fact, God doesn't want ANYONE to watch this show. He's a kind God.

But... before my miracle occurred, I did suffer through most of it last night, sitting there listlessly and limp-necked like Jack Nicholson at the end of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest." So here's what happened -- for old times sake:

• They say goodbye to Hank's parents. Hank's mom is crying and you get the distinct feeling it's not "Look at my baby all grown up heading off with the woman he loves" so much as it is "I raised that boy the best way I knew how and now he's marrying a dumb skank with a hyena laugh."
• Kendra and Hank go on a road trip from his home town back to LA. She burps and brushes her teeth in the car and munches haphazardly on potato chips that fall into her abundant cleavage. Stay classy and all that.
• They stop in Roswell, New Mexico and visit a museum dedicated to that supposed UFO incident that occurred in Roswell and we learn Kendy doesn't understand the difference between UFOs and aliens. Kendy, to put this in terms MAYBE you can grasp: Aliens drive the UFOs. Consider the aliens the pilot and the UFO the plane. We hear a long diatribe about how Kendy believes in aliens (and UFOs interchanged) and they don't want to hurt us and probably would just capture humans because they are as curious about us as we are about them. Then in a moment of what might be some glimmer of intelligence, she looks at the camera and says: "We are the aliens to the aliens."
• They stop in Bedrock which has a little Flintstone attraction and Kendy pretends to make out with a life-sized Fred and then they hint they are going to have sex in one of the little huts. I awake from my lobotomized state and start screaming "NONONONONONO!" because we know at some point Kendy gets knocked up and it could very well be at that moment and maybe in some Lost-like way I can affect the past and they won't have sex and Kendy won't get pregnant and Hank can run away from the alter at the last minute and live happily ever after. They close the door to the hut, she makes some guttural groaning noise and I slump back over defeated.
• They visit the Grand Canyon which Kendy refers to as the "big hole." Oh, there's a big hole, alright, but it's not the Grand Canyon.
• Because presumably the E! producers couldn't find even 10 extra minutes of Kendra footage fit for television, they fill the rest of the program up with Kendy's brother's hooker girlfriend whose best bet for future income is starring in a MILF-themed porno.

So, folks, consider this "my notice" with my official reason being "preservation of mental well-being" and "finding Jesus." I will continue, of course, to report on "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" (they have a "big decision" to announce tonight -- WHATEVER COULD IT BE?) and that god-awful Denise Richards show. Toodles.

No Joy in Maxville

So I had a feeling it wouldn't be the worst three dances on the chopping block last night. And we found out when the first three couples came out to hear their fate, as Jason and Caitlin stood side by side with Phillip and Jeanine, waiting to hear which couple was in bottom three. Phillip gets away with Tango murder which is fine by me, because this competition will sink even further into the murk if we keep losing non-contemporary dancers.

Kupono and Ashley join Jason and Caitlin in bottom three, all guilty of butchering Shane Spark's routines and if I were Shane I would cut one of them in the parking lot just to send a message that you don't eff with his genius. But that's me. I'm a doer. The final couple is Max and Kayla, which makes Kayla's face pinch up in an "um, people, it's me, Kayla. I'm not supposed to be in bottom 8, much less bottom three" expression while Max looks like he keeps hearing "Dead man, dancing" over and over in his head as Kitty Cat gives the results.

So the dancers dance for their lives and Ashley mails her dance in. Memo to dancers: when you only have 30 seconds to dance, don't waste time preening. I'm already dreading Max's dance as he is not really suited to solo dancing but he does really well. For a dead man, he certainly moves his feet.

The girls are up first and we know Kayla ain't going anywhere. Ashley is sent packing, which sucks because she at least didn't blow her routine the night before unlike Caitlin, but she didn't produce in the clutch. We are then reminded that she is the one who auditioned four different seasons before making it, a fact we learned in Vegas and then never told again. What the hell! I want a recount. That's an underdog story that the people at home should have taken into account. Granted, it's slightly less compelling than Vitolio's orphan story but a million times more interesting than Randi talking to her dog/husband every day on the phone.

Now I'm bummed, but at least Kupono will go home and that will be that. I know I said Max was a goner if he ever had to dance for his life but he made me a believer and since Kupono stunk up the joint the night before (Lil C said Ashley did well but since she was supposed to be mirroring Kupono who couldn't keep up, there wasn't much she could do.) So if Ashley gets the boot, he should surely go also, especially after Max brought it. But NO! Jason is safe and then Kupono gets to stay as Max stands there, debating who he will take out first: Nigel, Kupono, or America for this travesty. And he's right. Such bullshit! He had two solid weeks (granted Kayla was a big reason why) but Kupono gets the save. I can't even take solace in my prediction that Max was going the first time possible. Thanks for ruining that moment for me. So ... Dance, you guys really screwed the pooch on this one and don't think I'll forget it so easily. You are all on my shit list! (Not you Kitty Cat, never you!) See you next week.

In Every Life, A Little Shane Must Fall

We are back, with only eighteen dancers left. And I can’t think of a dancer I am really looking forward to seeing, which is always a good sign for a two hour program. Kind of scary that next season of So ... Dance will be this fall.

Guest Judge Lil C sits beside Mary (Miss Scream) and Nigel (Mr. Teeth). Nigel is single handedly trying to demolish the stereotype of British people’s teeth with whatever the hell he has working in that mouth of his. I’m hoping somebody, anybody, will emerge from this motley crew.

Randi and Evan –

We learn one thing about Randi is that she has to talk to her dog every day on the phone. Aw shucks. At least we got no mention of her husband and how she has to dance with a boy and what will her husband think. Unless … her dog is her husband! What a crazy twist that would be! During the rehearsal we also learn that the jive is “fun” and the producers make up a “fun” counter for every time someone says “fun” during the rehearsal footage. What fun!

They dance the jive and it’s fine, if little people hopping around the stage is your thing. The only thing missing is that “fun” counter and then during judging, there it is! Hahahahahaahhahahahahahaah! How fun is that? Oops, now I'm saying it. The best part about the critiques is when Lil C is talking to Randi and Evan and they both have the “He seems like a nice black man, but I have no idea what he is saying. I hope he isn’t asking for change” looks on their faces. But they are safe, as I promised last week, since no mention of husband (unless I can prove that dog theory.)

Melissa and Ade –

The pick is back and badder than ever. We do discover Melissa (she of the crazy eyes) is married to the brother of her sister’s husband. Nothing crazy about that! They dance well although Ade smiles the whole time, as if he can’t believe that people are actually digging his pick schtick. Lil C tells them the dance is “buck” (translation for Evan and Randi: awesome, totally right on, really cool) and says Ade is the frontrunner. Mary gives them tough love, because IT’S TOUGH NOT TO LOVE THAT PERFORMANCE! Oh that sly Mary. If only someone could shoot her writer to put us all out of our misery. Nigel blabs on about the Sonya, the choreographer, who looks like a girl I dated briefly in the tenth grade, so I am strangely attracted to her. Very hard for women to pull off the Mohawk look, but she does it. She’s no Kitty Cat, but I digress.

Kaitlin and Jason –

They get a Shane Sparks routine (he’s back, mother effers!) and they suck. Actually, the dance sucks too, and I’m bummed. It was so ho-hum, Mary actually gave a critique which causes me to lock my doors, because that is supposedly the seventh sign. Luckily, Nigel explains that Shane designed a dance around these two (meaning these two dancers could never do a Shane Sparks routine so it became a Shane light dance). That’s right. Don’t you two go blaming Shane for your screw ups.

Jeanette and Brandon –

Dance a disco and Brandon kills it. The guy is a great dancer, although where is the charisma? Lil C, who was tough on him in Vegas, gives him props and all is right in the world. Confession: Brandon doesn’t really grab me as a performer but just knowing Mia Michaels is crying into a giant bag of Cool Ranch Doritos as he proves her wrong makes me very happy.

During Mary’s critique, she not once, but twice successfully uses the joke “not”. What a amazing feat for a woman who seems to lack the ability to string two coherent thoughts together without screaming in between them. Honestly, she is really funny … NOT! Makes you wonder if her writer is trying to get fired just so he/she/it doesn’t have to listen to her whiny voice anymore.

Asuka and Vitolio –

They perform a Waltz, which sounded out is heard as “kiss of death”. But, they have one thing working in there favor – Vitolio’s sad past, which we are getting hammered with as viewers. But they pull it off and maybe I’m a sucker but I liked it. I know many people wanted Vitolio to go home last week but help a brother out. He can dance. Mary even gets a tear to flow down her botoxed face.

Max and Kayla –

Kayla and Max (aka the luckiest dancer in the competition) do a hip-hop/jazz/ blah –blah routine and the judges go crazy over Kayla. Max is told he’s good, but you know if he’s ever in the bottom three, he’s a goner. But it probably won’t matter for a few weeks, as Kayla will keep dragging him along ala Weekend at Bernie’s.

Jonathan and Karla –

They do a contemporary dance and Jonathan sucks. He’s so stiff. The whole routine bores the crap out of me, but the judges love it. I know I will get attacked for saying this, but Jonathan needs to go home. Like now. At this moment. Before another dance goes by. My wife even complains that he’s stiff and boring and she's very forgiving. But what do I know?

Phillip and Jeanine –

Poor Phillip tries to do a Tango and all I can say is after that performance, he’ll be popping for his life. But you know the judges will keep him around because what he does is so unique and special, he needs to stay in the competition. On a side note, the choreographer always reminds of Pepe Le Pew and that may help Phillip and Jeanine pull in a few extra votes.

Ashley and Kapono –

The crash test dummies get another Shane dance and it’s a complete wreck. Hahahaha (thank you Mary writer, you have inspired me). This is pissing me off. There are only two rules to So You Think You Can Dance: 1. Don’t make Shane look bad. 2. Make Mia look bad. Ashley does get commended for doing her part, if only Kapono didn't suck the life out of the dance.

This is killing me, and I think we will be surprised (because Phillip has a strong following) but I will be traditional in my picks. Bottom three: Philip and Jeanine, Jason and Kaitlin, Ashley and Kapono. But I hope Jonathan sneaks into bottom three. And by hope I mean I've already called So...Dance multiple times saying it would be in their best interest to make that happen.

As I said, Phillip is staying, Jason is solid, so Kapono is shuffling off. For the girls, Ashley is safe. Down to Jeanine and Kaitlin and I am afraid Kaitlin is out of here before I ever figure out who she looks like. So in the end, I suffer because these contestants can’t pull off a Shane Sparks dance. Thanks for nothing.

Bachelorette: It's All About ED

Although I love the Bachelorette, this week I had trouble finding the time to watch it because I knew it just wouldn't be the same without everyone's favorite serial killer, Mancode, Angry Trucker Dave. But, I wouldn't be your trusted servent if I didn't help you avoid losing an entire two hours of your life to this drug, right?

We open in the beautiful (as we are told over and over again) town of Whistler. I don't know exactly where in Canada this is but it's somewhere there and it's cold because everyone seems to be wearing a scarf. In my opinion, most men shouldn't wear scarves with very few exceptions (Brad Pitt comes to mind) and shouldn't wear turtlenecks with no exceptions. Seeing the mens' wardrobe choices makes it obvious that I will never be hired as a stylist on this show.

Sadly, the first one on one date is given to Breakdancer Mike.

They go zip cording which, trust me, is much more entertaining on any episode of Dora the Explorer than it is here. Somehow, Breakdancey compares zip cording to love which is so convoluted, he's either a genius or vapid as a runway model.

Jillian: "Michael is so funny and goofy. He always makes me laugh."
Translation: I have zero interest in ever seeing his penis.

During their coma inducing small talk over dinner we cut to Ex Man Code Headquarters.

Reid (in all his glasses glory) hopes to get the next one on one date (we hope so too Reid!) but Jesse the wine dude is the winner.

The boys are all gathered around discussing who amongst them is in possession of a girlfriend when we pan up the stairs to Wes, who looks so evil he may as well be twirling his mustache a la Boris while saying, "First I will win over Jilly and then all of Nashville will be mine! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH" Maybe he'll end up tying her to the train tracks while he serenades her with "They say that love don't come eeeeasy" as the train comes hurdling for her.

Back to date: Breakdancey gets the rose and immediately expresses a desire to the camera "I can't wait to write Jilly a note every morning telling her I love you more than anything." Uh, Mike, I'm willing to bet Jillian can wait for that. Until the day she dies.

Next the group date goes snowmobiling. Jillian is determined to find out "if these guys are here for the right reason" she goes on to say, "if they are here to be on TV or they have girlfriends I need to know that." Oh Jilly, these guys could be walking around wearing a sandwich board that says "I'm Here for the Record Deal" and you would say "Oooh, a sub sounds delish, eh?"

Bartender Robby gets to ride with Jillian and manages to convince her that although he's twenty-five and his main accomplishment up until now is memorizing the ingredients in a black russian, he's ready to get married and have kids. Note to Robby: cocktail napkins work as diaper wipes in a pinch.

Next Jilly gets nowhere talking to Foot Fetish Tanner who tells her to watch out for people with agendas but again, will not tell her who unless she agrees to let him tongue rape her toes.

Cut to Jilly falling into the snow for a brief snuggle with Wes (moooohaaaahahahaha) who takes all of three seconds to mention that he has a CD coming out. Jillian, wonders aloud to Wes if that might have anything to do with why he's here. OF COURSE NOT JILLIAN. HE'S IN LOVE WITH YOU. Any CD sales would just simply be "all good" but he's here to marry you and make six hundred babies.

Jillian to camera: "I LOVE Wes. At first I had some concerns but after talking to him I can see he is totally into me." So you see home viewers, he is not a douchy cheesemonkey scabby dick like he appears to us. We are all just cynical and jaded. We're the assholes. He's perfect guy!

Oh wait.

Wes to camera: There's no doubt that this will hopefully lead to good publicity for my CD but I talked to Jillian and convinced her "it's all good" and that should seal the deal for my rose tonight.

Jillian has a conversation with Kiptyn who I'm starting to despise and not just because of his name. His hatwear is getting out of control. It seems like while he's talking to Jillian he's having an internal dialog along the lines of "Damn, Kip, you are working the hell out of this mother fucken cap!" Then we get a full twenty seconds of lip locking which is twenty seconds too many.

Jesse finds out he's going ice fishing with Jillian which is apparently sweeter news than winning the lottery. The two of them help solve a very difficult math equation - sort of like in that Matt Damon movie Good Will Hunting. Jillian + Jesse + ice fishing > 4 Xanax.

At dinner Jesse tells Jillian that if she were a voice on the radio it would put people to sleep. But hang on, he means this as a huge compliment. Sort of like if he told her that her jeans made her ass look fat...but in a good way! Jillian, naturally finds this enchanting. Hot tubbin' and a rose are next.

And now, drama unfolds as Ed books some private time to break the news that he is leaving. He brought this up earlier in the show but at the time I didn't feel it warrented us chit chatting about it. But now, he knows he could easily fall for Jillian and spend the rest of his days with her but there's some pesky IT consulting that needs to get done and he's got to ski-daddle. Darn it. I hate it when IT consulting stands in the way of true love.

This leaves only one guy left to not get a rose at the rose ceremony and that guy is Mark. Who? Exactly.

Coming up on this season of The Bachelorette! It seems that on one of the overnight dates, one of the lucky fellows fails to get "lucky." Yes, his penis fails him and lets down the entire show. Chris with a mad gleam in his eye tells us that one of the guys was too nervous to perform physical intimacy. So it seems that although Ed is gone, ED is still here. I'm assuming that very special episode will be brought to us by Cialis.

Also: BIG SPOILER ALERT: On next week's episode, Wes fully admits that he's gotten publicity for his music career and that's why he came here. Sorry. Hope I didn't ruin the season for you.

Cross-Promotional Marketing Month Continues on TLC

Umm, why has it just come to my attention that Kate Gosselin has a Winnie the Pooh tat on her ankle? Can I rely on you readers for nothing? Help me help you as it were. Alrighty?

Anyway, I hope the TLC Vice President of Marketing is getting a big fat raise for the innovative cross-promotional techniques being implemented on "Jon and Kate Plus Eight." Recently they featured the cake-baking people and last night the chopper-making men. Can they think of nothing else to discuss on the show that they must haul in all of the other TLC reality folks to conjure up a 30-minute program? Sheesh. You've got eight kids, a marital debacle and a modern Mommy Dearest. Don't think so much, producers! Just lock them all in the house, let the cameras roll and put your best editors to work on compiling 30 minutes of pure hell for the pleasure of the viewing audience.

Still no co-couch sitting for confessionals by the way. With the extra room, Kate decides to get comfy on the love seat and swings her feet up. Which is when I spotted the tattoo. Of Winnie the Pooh.

Regardless, if I am a TLC producer, I'm thinking of more compelling show themes than baked goods and motorized vehicles. This is what I'm talkin' about, people. If Kate won't give her "dehydrated" kids a drink of water in public with witnesses around, imagine the potential atrocities being committed in the (relative) privacy of their own home.

The good news about last night's program is Jon seems to be off the ledge. No longer am I concerned for his life. There were a record four smiles. All of which had to do with the customized motorcycle he was getting, but still, that's progress. We see Kate rolling her eyes when Jon's new toy arrives, presumably because she liked him better on the verge of self-destruction. Perhaps there's a hefty life insurance policy involved. Perhaps she just likes torturing other humans. Perhaps rolling her eyes, like chewing gum, is just something she does 24 hours a day.

So the mustachioed chopper fellas visit and play with the kids and along with Jon's bike they bring Kate a pink one. Because she is such a charitable person (read here she doesn't want it) she donates it to the Ronald McDonald house. We finally might see Kate in a more favorable light but it lasts only momentarily until she starts scolding one of the kids (I told you I'm not learning their names so deal with it) for honking the horn."I'm so over that!" she says and suggests to the nice Ronald McDonald lady that she throw the horn out.

The way I see it, the only hope for this show is if they run out of TLC shows with which to cross-promote and they strike a deal with ABC to allow the eight children to stay in the Fantasy Suites on the overnight dates on The Bachelorette. What better way to find out if one is really suited for marriage than to throw a bunch of kids into the mix for an overnighter? God, why can't I be a reality tv producer?

Kendra Expecting; Denise Collects Free Shit

When I heard Kendra was expecting, I thought, expecting what? To be starring in a porn by age 27? An incurable STD diagnosis? For Hank Baskett to wake up from whatever spell he's under and run screaming from the Playboy Mansion on their wedding day? Never did it occur to me it meant she was expecting A BABY.

Maybe Kendy isn't as dim-witted as we all thought. What better way to ensure you have a substantial check coming in for the next 18 years than by getting impregnated by an NFL player when one is 23 years old with no discernible skill set or talents whatsoever? And what better way to ensure her show gets picked up for a second season than by adding an innocent baby to the mix? (Kendy's baby shower where Hef makes a cameo! Kendy shopping for stripper-like maternity wear! Kendy in the delivery room cackling her brains out!) However, if the baby is born wearing a silk bathrobe, we'll know she didn't break up with The Hef when she said she did. Either way, she won't be working at Hooters in the near future as previously predicted.

Kendy says Hef will be the baby's godfather and she's having "visions of her vagina tearing...and that sucks." (That is indeed sucky. Don't shoot the messenger, people, I'm just the reporter here.) The big question is: Will Kendy remove her stripper pole (which in a rare politically correct move she calls it a "sports pole") once the baby comes?

Disturbingly, according to a Wikipedia, the Kendra show had the highest number of viewers for any premier on E! since 2002 when the Anna Nicole Smith show debuted. Sadly, my television and I contributed to that victory.

Okay, let's stop my pontificating and get to a (very short) recap: This week we see Kendra visit Hank's parents. One might expect one's parents to be weeping inconsolably at the news one's son is marrying Kendra Wilkinson. However, they seem somewhere between resigned and happy about it, even when Kendy presents Hank's father with a signed copy of Playboy magazine in which she appears naked. Why bring a nice Pinot Noir or flowers to dinner when you can bring some adult entertainment? Hank's dad said he will "treasure it." I hope "treasure it" is all he does with it if you get my meaning.

Now on to Denise. I'd rather be exposed to the swine flu than be within five feet of this woman. So she goes to some film festival to promote some movie she's in. It's a "romantic comedy" about the porn industry called Finding Bliss and from what little we see I'm missing the "comedy" part. And here's a good indication of the humor contained within: The lead character's name is Dick Harder. BAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Not.

So she brings her assistant (a loud-mouthed gal who was clearly ignored as a child) and a friend who could be her grandmother to the film festival. The friend is the queen of all swag bag hags, collecting all of the pricey stuff meant for the stars. Stars. Not friends of the quasi-famous who look like life has beaten them silly and then a truck comes to run them over just for good measure. The friend keeps saying she's not "greedy." The friend is a lot of things (grating, tacky, obnoxious) and yes, greedy. So they pick up a couple of snowboard instructors and bring them back to their condo for a hot tub party. We don't see if Denise gets busy with any of them, presumably because she retained some editing rights when she negotiated the contract with Executive Producer Ryan Seacrest, whose fame still boggles my mind as he proceeds to take over the planet.

If I were Mr. Seacrest, which is highly unlikely as I think the only thing we have in common is we both like boys, I would encourage Ms. Richards to STOP WINKING. Ever notice she winks a lot? Probably not BECAUSE I AM THE ONLY ONE WATCHING THIS SHOW. However, I concede perhaps I'm being a bit mean-spirited toward Denise. But, audience, she can take it! She's used to loved ones who actually married her leaving profanity-laced voicemails so a mere stranger implying she's less pleasant than a deadly disease probably doesn't even register on her insult radar.

That is all. Wake me up when it's time for "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" to torture me.

The Bungle In the Jungle Continues

First off, my apologies to the readers who have been eagerly awaiting my latest I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here update. I hope both of you will understand that sometimes after I watch this show, all I want to do afterward is just take a long, hot shower, then scrub my eyes out with steel wool and rubbing alcohol to erase the image of Janice Dickinson peeing like a racehorse. Also, my internets has been down.

Alright, so since my last recap, we've lost a few of our "celebrities." (Do I even need to use those quotes when I say "celebrities" anymore? Or is it understood that when I say "celebrities," I'm being sarcastic because we're not exactly talking about a bunch of Brad Pitts here? Yeah? We good?) OK, first the other half of the Frangela team left voluntarily, then Speidi left, then finally, Daniel Baldwin was voted off, which was a good thing because he was probably just one day away from shaving his head and goin' all Colonel Kurtz on Janice Dickinson's bony ass by ordering some Vietcong rebels to shove bamboo under her fingernails until she confessed to stealing his granola bar. (Whew.) The horror, the horror indeed, baby.

As I said, Speidi left the show AGAIN and this time it was because Heidi kept throwing up and had to be taken to the hospital for "tests." Of course, we all know the ultrasound didn't show anything on it besides a few stray pieces of Spencer's beard hair that were stuck in her trachea--reason enough to puke, am I right, my friends?--but they still decided that it was "too dangerous" for her to return to the jungle. And really, thank God for that because these two had been going hot and heavy on the Jesus talk to the point that I half-expected the Almighty himself to just appear in a bush and say, "Listen, stop talking about me so much, you morons. You are NOT helping me one bit. Got it, dipshits? Why don't you two switch to Buddhism for a few weeks? Like go sit on a mountaintop in Tibet in some orange robes or something. OK, so we clear? Cause I gotta go help Kanye win another award now. Laters."

Luckily for America, Montags are like cockroaches, so as soon as Heidi left, her sister Holly appeared! Yes, the jungle citizens now have a new Montag to push around, which is good news for Sanjaya who seems to either want to date her or help her pick out home furnishings. Not sure on that one quite yet. Anyway, Holly Montag is about as much a celebrity as my housecat is, so she's not exactly a big addition of star power. (Note to the producers: Call Charlene Tilton next time. Or Shaun Cassidy. Or even Joyce DeWitt. Think, you people.)

Otherwise, things are humming along as usual in the jungle. The celebs compete in challenges, weepily bond, and scratch their very disgusting bug bites repeatedly. And Janice? Well, she's keeping busy by stealing granola bars, hocking up phlegm, fighting with the Baldwins and peeing next to her bed like a toddler. You know, basically everything she did as a supermodel back in the 70's, but this time Andy Warhol isn't watching her and giggling behind his hand with Halston.

More next week, you lucky bastards!

And Then There Were 18!

In the immortal words of the late Jerry Orbach from the timeless classic Dirty Dancing, “When I’m wrong I say I’m wrong. Although, I’m actually not that wrong. You are having sex with my teenage daughter and you are how old? I don’t care if you didn’t get Penny in trouble, stop SCHTUPPING my daughter. So I ain't fucking wrong, bitch” Something like that.

Why do I say this? Because I predicted sort of wrong last night, but actually I didn’t. Let’s hit the results show which I fast forwarded through as quickly as possible, but I did hear that Shane Sparks choreographed the opening number, and that made me happy, because Shane rocks. Best guest judge, great choreographer, etc. I'm glad he's back. (How sad is it that I knew who he was and also had a reaction to his name being announced? By the way, that's a rhetorical question.)

The first three couples come out and after much trickery, they are all safe. Whoo-hoo! This includes Randi and Evan. Now, I said they would be bottom three and that’s because I let my heart do the thinking. I was already annoyed by the whole “This is a sexy dance and I’m married so I’m a little freaked out” schtick. Um, Randi, I hate to break this to you, but when you dance you sometimes have to touch your partner and be sexy. Don’t worry though. I’m sure your husband’s not the jealous type and not cheating on you at this very instance to get back at you for going to the big city to pursue your dream. Wait a second! Plus, the longer you are on this show, the more likely you will realize you can do better, so my picking you to go home was only because I wanted to save your marriage. And yet I’m the bad guy.

Did I really think it was going to happen? No. But I couldn’t choose Paris and Tony to be bottom three (heart talking) and then I was stuck with Randi, Karla, and Asuka and I knew the judges love Asuka and I thought Karla was good. But I will guarantee if Randi keeps the whole “oh, gosh my husband” thing up, it will grate on everybody’s nerves. This is not a money back guarantee, mind you, but a guarantee you can take to any bank and get FREE access to any of the pens on the counters. I know, right? Also, they are the cute little couple but that couple happened last season with Gev and Courtney, who I liked a hundred times better. And they only did the “She has a boyfriend” thing. Not as annoying. Look, Randi or Evan are not winning this thing. If they do, I will eat my hat! (This phrase is in honor of Evan who you know uses it in every day life.) But I won’t put them in bottom three next week, unless they do that husband thing again. Then all bets are off!

The next four couples come out and everyone is safe but Vitolio and Asuka. So now we have the last three couples and Karla and Jonathan (I told you!) are in bottom three with Tony and Paris. So I got two of the three couples. I just overestimated the girl vote for Tony and my own desire to keep hip-hop dancers around.

The contestants dance for their lives and Paris sucks. Asuka is fine but she is cursed by the dreaded solo dance as a ballroom dancer, which will doom her going forward. It dooms every partner dancer, because after awhile there is not much you can do to shake things up. (Chelsie Hightower was the exception and that’s because she never had to dance for her life. She was never in the bottom three, which she never deserved to be. Rereading that sentence makes me a little sad for my life.) Asuka is in trouble, going forward. That’s why Max better thank the producers for pairing him with Kayla, because she will keep him away from bottom three for awhile. But once he ends up there, see ya! He’ll go down quicker than the skinny dipping girl in Jaws. Because she did take a little while to finally get pulled under. Stupid survival instincts. And Karla was Karla, and I like Karla. Bye Paris

Tony is just as bad as Paris He looks like he is at a club dancing and now I want him gone. It makes me sick I ever gave them sympathy. It’s like the saying “Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, Mia Michaels better suck it.” (My requisite Mia bash)Hey, we still got Phillip and Ade and Brandon (who needs a personality transplant) and bunch of others who can ably fill in. Vitolio isn’t going anywhere. Guy is a physical marvel and is an orphan who grew up in Africa. Come on, people. He ain’t going home the first week. Jonathan (David Archuletta wannabe) is still cheesy but he does some gymnastic moves and smiles A LOT. Bye Tony.

Let’s bring on next week so I can start sorting out who these people are! Until then let me just say one thing ... Nobody puts Kitty Cat in a corner. (She knows what I'm talking about.)

Kitty Cat is Back

I know. So You Think You Can Dance is already four weeks in. I dropped the ball. But it was like real work trying to catch up as they threw two hour show after two hour show filled with auditions of people I would barely remember and then be reminded about during the Vegas week so it really didn’t matter if I remembered the people I wouldn’t remember.

Two Hours, Two Days a week! When’s a blogger supposed to sleep?! But I did watch it all. Because I am that committed. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much. But it doesn’t matter, because we have finally made it to the actual competition. And as the dancers ran out I kept thinking “Who are these people?”

Last year was so simple. I was cheering for Twitch from the beginning and also became a fan of Joshua. And when they were the final two, I was the big winner. Sort of. Granted I had watched a full season of So … Dance and had actual favorite dancers so the jury was out on whether I was an actual winner ( and yeah, I shortened the title, but it’s going to be a real pain in the ass to write out So You Think You Can Dance all season long. So I am setting a precedent, right here, right now. I thought about doing SYTYCD, but A) that’s annoying with my two finger typing style and B) that’s too close to LOL.)

Here’s a quick confession: I actually like So…Dance. It is way better than American Idol. Because the contestants actually have unique skills that most of us can’t do. AI features karaoke singers screeching and bouncing up and down and basically being mediocre. So, I appreciate the dancers skill level.

Hell, AI has become so blah we didn’t even mention the finale. Why? Because I don’t think anyone watched it all the way through. And anyone who thinks Adam got screwed, go back and watch Krissssssssss greatest performance of the season. THAT’S WHY HE WON! Dude can eat an apple like nobody’s business. Adam can only screech and vamp and wear so much eye-liner.

Plus, So … Dance has Cat Deeley and she is a thousand times better than Ryan Seacrest. Sure her head propped up on that very skinny body sometimes makes her look like a bobblehead, but we love bobbleheads! But she is genuine and sweet and fun as opposed to Ryan, who has become more and more annoying and has really overstayed his welcome. Here’s a sobering thought: Do you realize he’s become the Dick Clark of this generation, which means we are stuck with him until we die (or photos of him and Adam Lambert are leaked to the press.) I actually was backstage one time at So ... Dance (I'm so cool), and a butch lesbian who was Cat's handler was running around yelling "Kitty Cat, Kitty Cat. Where's my Kitty Cat?" Now whenever I watch So ... Dance, I inevitably yell out "Kitty cat, Kitty cat. Where's my kitty cay?" a few times an episode. I'm sure it's killing my neighbor's resale value of their home.

Look, I’ll have plenty more to say, but we need to get on to the actual competition, before another week goes by. So here is a breakdown of each couple (since we start with 20 freaking contestants.)

Jeanine and Phillip –
Phillip is a hip hop dancer, so shocker – he got a hip-hop routine. I know it’s “random” but you know the producers want to keep the hip-hop dancers around as long as possible. Otherwise we are stuck watching a bunch of contemporary dancers extend their legs.
They are choreographed by possibly the most un-hip couple in the world, Tabitha and Napoleon. Tabitha seems like an awkward white girl who tried to rebel against her parents and ended up with the whitest ethnic guy on the planet (since I don’t know what ethnicity Napoleon is. Is Dorky an ethnicity?).

They kick ass on the routine, guest judge Adam Shankman (possibly gayer than even Adam Lambert) tears up for the first time tonight, Mary shows mid-season form of annoying as she pretends to not like the dance and then starts screaming (meaning she did like it. You so crafty Mary), and Nigel says something nice.

Asuka and Vitolio –

Asuka is an Asian ballroom dancer who I kept thinking was named Oscar, which made me think of hot dogs. Vitolio is black, but I thought he was Russian (black Russian, hahahahahahaha) and they do a Broadway routine with Tice choreographing. Pretty boring and I tuned out, thinking about cooking some hotdogs and washing them down with a Black Russian. Mmmmmmm. Bad comments and no scream from Mary, the most annoying woman in America.

Karla and Jonathan –

They do the Cha-Cha and Jonathan is immediately on my radar fro going home. The guy should be called Mr. Smiles as he looks like is in a cheerleading competition. During the judges remarks Mary screams (Scream count now at 2) and reveals “She likes her Cha Cha rough! Just like she likes her ice cream.” Um, that second part may have been implied.

Randi and Evan –

Tice is back to give them a jazz routine and Randi is all freaked because she is married and this is a sexy routine. She’s like 12 years old. How the hell is she married? I’m pretty sure a marriage at fourteen is not legally binding. Adam loves them, Mary screams (Mary scream count: 3) and I’m sure Nigel took time to self congratulate himself about what this show is doing for dance and how awesome he is. British people can be so uppity (not you Cat, never you!) Lastly, Evan blows his chances of winning when he makes the chessiest face as Cat gives out the numbers. On a side note, can we please, for the love of god, outlaw contestants from flashing their fingers for what numbers they want us to dial? It’s not cute or fun.

Paris and Troy –

Hey, the hip hop guy gets a hip hop routine. Shocker. Unfortunately, the judges don’t think he nailed it, but he seems likable enough. I hope he stays. Adam does critique the costumes but last time I checked that’s not the dancers fault. Moron, the show is not called “So You Know You Can Sew?

Caitlin and Jason –
They do a Bollywood number and it was pretty cool. A little distracting because Caitlin looks like someone and I can’t put my finger on it. But she did dance while in a handstand, which Adam Lambert could never do in a million years (unless he was drunk and Ryan was propping him up, wink, wink.) Adam Shankman says “You guys rocked” and by the look in his eyes I translate that to mean “I want to lick whipped cream off Jason’s body.” Mary screams so loud my ears blead (Scream count: 4) By this time I’m getting worried. There is no Twitch in the bunch. Who the hell am I going to root for?

Jeanette and Brandon –
They get a foxtrot, which pretty much means deadly boring. Save it for bad celebrities on that other dance show. Although the last lift (look at me, I got the lingo down) was pretty damn impressive. Mary screams (Scream count 5) and reveals she gets Botox. Really? I thought lips were supposed to pull away from the teeth in that unnatural chipmunk way. Btw, Brandon is the guy Mia Michaels was a bitch to during Vegas week and I’m sure I will touch on this later, but I CANNOT STAND MIA MICHAELS! I am already dreading her routines where everybody gets all wet and kisses her ass, She is overrated and pretentious. If I saw her on the street today I would have no qualms walking up to her and calling her the meanest name possible – Annie Duke! That’s right. She is that bad!

Ashley and Kupono –
They do a Wade Robson number where they are supposed to be crash test dummies. Um, okay. It was fine but very distracting. I kept forgetting who I was watching, which can’t be good when it is time to vote.

Melissa and Ade (pronounced A DAY) –
The heavens opened up and light started shining down. I think I found my champion, Ade. Why? The guy wears a pick in his hair all the time. How awesome is that! He even had it on during rehearsal. I’m so excited. Then the dance starts and all I can think is WHERE IS THE MOTHERFUCKING, PICK? WHERE IS IT? Ade, you can’t promise the pick and not deliver! Also, Melissa is the “old” dancer: a 29 year old ballerina, which does means she is in the twilight. But unfortunately for her, you can see the crazy in her eyes. She reeks of desperation, but they do get a scream from Mary (which is about as special as having sex with Paris Hilton).

Kayla and Max –
They are the last couple (finally) and they do a samba. Kayla is really good. Perhaps an early contender? Adam loves her and tells Max “I am only assuming you were in the number”, which actually makes me laugh. Adam is funny and gay. Who knew? Oh, and Mary screamed. Someone needs to let her know screaming is not the same thing as judging. Does she even critique anymore?

As it is couple who will be in the bottom , I think Max is safe. My prediction: Asuka and Vitolio, Karla and Jonathan, and Randi and Evan are bottom three. See ya, Jonathan and Randi. We hardly knew ya. Literally.

The Demise of the Angriest Trucker in America

Let's begin at the beginning shall we? And by that I don't mean the scenes from last week because, duh - that's just 10 minutes of your life you'll never get back. Well just get straight to everyone's favorite robot, Ryan Seacrest Lite, Chris Harrison telling the guys they are in for a huge treat: they're all going to Toronto!!!!! With that the guys all act like they've won a lifetime subscription to Jugs magazine by jumping around, fist bumping and yelling "YEAH!" I have a feeling the Canadian bureau of tourism is madly trying to get the rights to this footage.

Kipton who I believe took the Facebook, "how gay are you quiz" and scored 99% got the first one-on-one date. Um, Jillian, have you seen Kipton? Now have you seen Reid? Get your shit together.

Kipton and Jillian proceed to suck face like junior high schoolers through their date until he gets his inevitable rose.

Double date: Mike, who is cute, seemingly geniune and does something low paying that has to do with baseball and Mark, who is attractive and aloof get to...wait for it...go on the helicoptor ride (did they just buy a bulk of copter time and they need to use it up?) Mike spends most of the time with her being "genuine" and "opening up with his feelings" and being "available for a relationship" while Mark is sulky, reticient and speaks of love as something he may feel one day, possibly, if he met, like a 10 or something. At one point Mike tells the camera something to the effect of "I may not be the cutest, or have the best job and my penis is an innie, but I'm a guy who can take care of her...with a little help from Cialis. Naturally, Jillian sends Mike home because she's attracted to an asshole like Linsay Lohan to a vial of coke.

I almost stop watching but then there's a shot of Reid wearing glasses which makes me slightly moist so I give it a few more minutes.

The group date is split into two teams because they are going to go "curling"!!! Yes, more hand bumps and whooperie. Boys will be boys right? Fuckin' A right! Well, except for Breakdancing Mike who keeps hugging her and expresses a strong desire to go get some hot cocoa. I have a bad feeling that Breakdancey is a guy who needs way too many hugs. There's a boring game where the winning team will score more time with Jilly which is hard to follow so I get much more interested in my cheddar cheese popcorn from Trader Joe's (it's addictive) until it's over and the red team wins which luckily includes ATD!

Meanwhile we have a little fun with Jake (pilot) and his confessional where he calls himself a "nice guy" and is scared that his over the top perfection may be his downfall. No, Jake, I think your milk mustache and weird Drew Barrymore way of talking out of half your mouth is way more likely to become a roadblock, just a guess.

Next Jesse gets a little one-on-one time and decides it would be a fabulous idea to wear a motoring cap. It's only a matter of time before this dude shows up in a jaunty scarf and really turns up the heat. At one point he goes in for a kiss and Jillian kisses him back but I get the feeling she feels like she's kissing her brother.

But what's more awkward? Why ATD of course. ATD gets a little couch time with Jillian and immediately engages her in a discussion about how hot her ass is. She quietly says "oh really?" in a way that to a human would read "please let's not ever speak of my ass again because I'm about to hurl" and he responds "OH YEAH, YOUR ASS IS FU*&ING AMAZING." Then ATD explains to the camera about his theory on how ladies love a mystery. "Sometimes a lady just likes to wonder what the severed heads in the back of your Trans-Am are all about. That's what I bring to the equation. That and some kickass veneers!"Then ATD out of nowhere goes in for a kiss that reminds me of a sneak lion attack on a bunch of innocent Gazelles. Awwwkward. Jjllian turns away and naturally ATD tells her in no uncertain terms that NO WOMAN HAS EVER REFUSED HIS KISSES! Then he not-so-subtly accuses her of being a whore and kissing everone else. Good job ATD. Have a nice life in prison.

Finally, Reid gets a little time with Jillian when Wes horns in to talk about his impending record deal. He tells her "I have the makings to make someone happy." HUH? And Jillian tells us, "When I'm with Wes I feel so special." Special how? Short bus special?

Finally FFTanner decides to tell Jillian that some guys aren't here for the right reason and some may have a girlfriend. But he can't tell her who because the producers have sworn him to secrecy and plus ATD might slice off his testicle for being a traitor. This causes Jillian to cry and say she's already getting her heart broken -which in turn leads to a major showdown at the rose ceremony and by major I mean extremely minor. Jillian acts like how can she possibly pick when someone is not fessing up to their girlfriend but then decides she can pick afterall. Phew!!! Please pick Reid.

The lucky guys are Kipton, Mark, Jesse, Reid!, Ed, Breakdancer, Wes (ewwww), Jake and FFTanner (who for some reason is starting to look all sweaty and off like he just took some alone time with Foot Fancy magazine). Juan and ATD are goners. ATD is SHOCKED. "Why Jillian? Just tell me WHY!" "Dave, it just wasn't right."

Cut to Jillian clinking glasses of champagne with the remaining suitors.

Cut to Dave running back in followed by security. "If I can't have you then none of these fuckers can!" as he breaks out a machine gun and spray bullets into the champagne huddle killing all but Reid. Reid, though wounded, pulls himself up, grabs a machete off of the wall and slices ATD across the throat killing him instantly. Jillian yells, "my hero!" and runs off to marry Mark.

Can wait for next week!

Jon Actually Cracks a Smile for 100th Episode

Jon's severe depression takes a 0.1 second reprieve when he CRACKS A SMILE, albeit very briefly, during the celebrated 100th episode of "Jon and Kate Plus Eight." Perhaps the Prozac is kicking in, perhaps he's happy Emeril is making a guest appearance on the show or perhaps he's just relieved he never has to subject his private parts to Kate's criticism ever again.  

Meanwhile, while Jon's anxiety is manifesting itself as persistent melancholy, Kate's is reflected in her increasingly bizarre hairstyle.  Since last episode, it is darker and spikier in the back, blonder and stripier in the front and getting funkier by the minute as her marriage deteriorates. She sort of looks like a skunk who visited an upscale hair salon and got caught in a lawn mower on the way back to the forest. If the marital discord isn't resolved, look for a full-on mohawk something like this next season.

Emeril of the Food Network, who was far less annoying and manic than he is on his own show, cooks for the entire family.  Jon is relegated to garlic-peeling duty, much to Kate's glee. At one point, Emeril even scolds,"Leave him alone!" as she peers over to critique Jon's peeling skills or similar.  Jon may be asking Emeril to move in with them. Not to cook, mind you, but to repeat the phrase "Leave him alone!" every 30 seconds.

The confessional couch scenes are done separately, because presumably Jon and Kate can't even sit on the same couch without gouging each other's eyes out.   TLC producers: Listen you pussies, MAKE them sit there together -- like undoubtedly their contract requires -- and let's see some DRAMA.  I've witnessed more confrontation in the coma wing at Northwestern Memorial Hospital.

Marking the 100th episode, they showed some flashbacks, one of which makes us see Jon is a former fatty-fatty-boom-boom (these two are the only people in history who got BETTER looking after having kids) and another that shows Kate might actually like her kids. She is kissing one of the girls (don't expect me to memorize eight names, people) and they are saying "I love you" back and forth.  I actually teared up a bit. But I also got weepy in my car earlier today when I heard "The Pina Colada Song" so don't read too much into it.

So, in case you didn't know (and if you DID know, God help you) Kate has a blog. I suggest numbing yourself with your own particular brand of intoxicant before visiting.  And, lest I end on a disparaging note about Kate, let's be kind, people. She used to have six kids in her stomach at one time.  (I hope you weren't eating lunch when you clicked on that. Okay, maybe I do...)

Denise Richards is Right!

It is, in fact, complicated. Mental illness is very, very complicated.  However, I'm getting ahead of myself. I marched into my living room last night at 8:59 pm Central Standard Time with the same resigned, defeated demeanor of someone who just had their last meal and was off to the execution chamber on death row.  This was of my own doing, I scolded myself, perhaps like a serial killer might as the feeling of electricity pulsates through his body. This is nobody's fault but my own.  ZZZZZZZZAP!!!  Except the serial killer is put out of his misery rather quickly, while mine was only beginning. 

I was under the incorrect presumption that the second season of Denise Richards' horrific reality show "It's Complicated" started at 9:00 pm. But no! An even more offensive reality show started rolling: "Kendra," as in the youngest, loudest and dumbest of the "Girls Next Door," who apparently now has her own vehicle for flagrant self-promotion. One has to wonder who is running E! Entertainment.  A masochist for sure.  Because who else would purposely want to see more of this?  I've actually met this tart in person (don't ask) and if you think the dumb blond thing is an act, let's just say unless she is Meryl Streep, I highly doubt it. So let's start with highlights (and I probably mean lowlights) from Kendra:

• Someone actually wants to marry Kendra. His name is Hank Baskett and he's in the NFL and he must be batshit crazy. Although, truth be told, he comes across as a nice, likable fellow. Single girls who want to get married, E! Entertainment is trying to make you feel bad about yourselves. KENDRA WILKINSON FOUND SOMEONE TO MARRY HER. Maybe you are a loser and just plain unlovable like your inner voice keeps telling you. BECAUSE KENDRA WILKINSON FOUND SOMEONE TO MARRY HER. 
• Hank says Kendra is "the best person he's ever met."  I had no idea the NFL kept its players incarcerated and forbade mingling with outside populations.
• She introduces Hank to ex-boyfriend Hugh Hefner, who steps away from his latest prostitute and container of Jello to watch Kendra's engagement video, cry with joy and offer his well-wishes and his Playboy Enterprises' mansion for the wedding.
• Kendra excitedly accepts the offer to get hitched there. Because doesn't everyone want to get married on the site where they fornicated repeatedly for pay with an octogenarian?
• Speaking of which, aforementioned fornicating gig must have been lucrative because Kendy's bought herself a pad in LA.  With a pool.  Where she has a housewarming party that makes a Girls Gone Wild video look high brow. More on that in 5, 4, 3...
• At this party we see a gaggle of the biggest spectacles LA has to offer.  Fellow former Girl Next Door Briget Marquardt is in attendance, looking like a 50-year-old diner waitress dressed to go to a sock hop. Hef makes an appearance with a new girlfriend (read here "working girl") who is indeed working hard for the money. 
• We see Kendra and her breasts try on wedding gowns. E! kindly blurs out the nipples, but we get a good gander at the footballs implanted into Kendra's chest. Finally we see what Hank might see in her. She reminds him of the sport that he loves so much.
  
• Dear God, make it stop.  

Okay, moving on to husband-stealing, friend-screwing, personality-lacking Denise Richards who someone should tell that the only excuse to have hair down to your ass after age 35 is if you are growing weed in your backyard and following Phish:

• First, let's examine her fall from grace.  Denise was a Bond Girl for crying out loud (where she, in Hollywood's most bizarre casting mishap, played a nuclear scientist -- BAHAHAHAHAHAHA!). She was married to someone on Forbes Celebrity 100 list (albeit an allegedly online porn addict and generous hooker client) and dated another man on Forbes Celebrity 100 list (albeit a chubby guy with man boobs and an aversion to sun screen). Not bad for a woman who looks like the three-way love child of an alien, a lizard and Rapunzel. Fast forward a few years and she's HOSTING A NEW YEARS EVE PARTY FOR MONEY IN LAS VEGAS WITH LANCE BASS. Karma's a bitch, sweetheart.
• We see her out on the town in LA where a man tries to hit on her, touches her arm and she acts like she's just been violated in a most extreme fashion. "Don't F#%@-ing touch me!" she screams like a deranged lunatic. You know what?  You're quasi-famous and you go out to a seedy club and drunk men may take a run at you hoping to get a one-night stand out of it because truth be told you look trashy.
• A van picks her and her dad up in Vegas and the van driver tells her the hotel has a "Charlie Sheen" suite. She looks like she was just served a vat of steaming vomit with a side of warm urine.  Later she gets in the requisite shot at Charlie when she calls her kids for the third time and he doesn't pick up so she can say hello.  
• We see her in Vegas before she hosts this party and she's so relieved to have security because of incidents like she had to endure in LA: Men touching her arm.  She's beginning to think she's Madonna. Or Angelina Jolie.  Denise, baby cakes, you're a D-lister and us regular gals sometimes have men touch our arms out at bars too (err, well used to) and we just tell them to scram.  
• Denise tells us 2009 is "her year" and she is going to put herself out there. RUN PEOPLE RUN. What she doesn't know yet, and we already do, is that she'll make an enormous ass of herself and get voted off Dancing with the Stars right after Priscilla Presley lookalike / former Go-Go Belinda Carlisle.  So this is your year, honey pops, keep telling yourself that...
• Which begs the question: Why is she doing all of this humiliating stuff?  Reality shows, hosting parties in Vegas like Paris Hilton and such?  Reports say she gets about $60k PER MONTH in child support until the kids turn 18 plus monthly alimony for two years totaling $1.2 million PLUS a cut of Charlie's profits from his sitcom which should net her somewhere in the neighborhood of $25 million.  Could it be Charlie's taunts calling her a "sad, jobless pig" got to her?  If so, couldn't she have just gotten a job at Walmart or something?  She'd probably have MORE exposure there, because I'm pretty sure I was the only one watching her show last night and Walmart is usually packed. 

Sigh.  My Sunday nights just became way more complicated.

Revenge of Angry Trucker Dave

So, I, like Reality Roadkill Deux was completely sober while watching The Bachelorette on Monday night and I have to say, I don't recommend it - by "it" I mean, the show and watching it sober. I had no idea how crazy boring these people are including but not limited to Jillian herself. The show opens with Jillian telling us she's taking Ed (had no idea who the hell he was until she hauled him out of the Bachelorette closet and dusted him off) on a "danger date." The two of them take a helicopter ride (hold on one fucking minute - you mean to tell me there was a helicopter ride on The Bachelorette? Yes, I'm not kidding you. They rode in it and "really connected" while yelling to each other wearing giant headphones and talking through a microphone that made it sound like they were ordering food at a drive-thru) to the top of a building. Jillian then tells Ed they are going to be plummeting to the ground on some ropes.

What really happens is they are gently and excruciatingly slowly lowered to the ground over approximately three days - yet they yell and whoop it up like they are bunjee jumping off the Golden Gate bridge. Jillian guilelessly tells the camera, "Today I threw one adventure at Ed after another." And by "I" she means, the producers. Ed gets the requisite make-out session (Jillian is turning out to be quite the hussy -which I respect) and a rose.

Back at the house, the guys find out they will be going on a group date consisting of eleven dudes. Wes ponders the meaning of eleven for about twenty minutes. "Well, it's more than nine but less than thirty seven. It's a lot of people." He then serenades the guys with his "if Randy Travis couldn't sing and had a severly low IQ but went on Star Search and got kicked out the first round" song "They say that love it don't come eeeeaaaassy" which he claims to the Sausages that he wrote for a "girl" not necessarily Jillian.

The guys are all hauled out to a fake western movie set where they are going to pretend to be "actors" (there are so many levels of irony here my head is spinning. Cause aren't they already actors pretending to be real people?) and of course, there are many opportunities to have a kissing scene with Jillian. I don't know if anyone will end up with Jillian but I'm positive someone is going home with Herpes. Hilarity ensues when two of the guys find out they will be doing a love scene with...wait for it...each other! WHAT? GUYS KISSING?

Robby, the young sort of nerdy guy, kisses Jillian with way too much passion than the scene calls for causing Jillian to deign him the best kiss of the group date (which is sort of like being the best kisser at fat camp).

At the "wrap party" Reid gets a chance to kiss Jillian - which I was ever so slightly excited about - but Juan broke it up to tell her she reminds him of his mother or something equally weird.

Back in Man Code Bunker: The men pow wow and Angry Trucker Dave tries to rile the troop into hating Juan. There is a lot of bleeped out swearing while ATD designates himself bouncer/executioner. "You guys are good people and if Juan gets a rose, one of you doesn't."

Back to the wrap party where Foot Fetish Tanner tries to molest Jillian's feet. At one point later FFTanner tells the camera "Jillian's feet looked so good I wanted to put them in my mouth." This guy is a serious menace to society. Is there any doubt that there's a warrant out for him for attempted copulation with an underage Manolo Blahnik?

Suddenly, Jillian makes a move for the rose and delivers it to "best kisser" Robby. This means Robby gets to move into the house and possibly sell some of the stuff on eBay to supplement his bartender salary. Fuck - where's Reid. I think I love him.

Next, Sasha (who has scored a one on one date) and Jillian ride in a sports car and then Sasha tells Jillian a real bummer story about a horrible car accident he was in. Apparently there were like 14 months where he couldn't apply hair gel to his own hair.

Back at MCHQ: Wes is still playing his song when FFTanner conspiratorily tells the camera, "I'm not gonna play a guitar. That's just not me." Then in my mind he goes on to say, "But I'll fuck a shoe! BRING IT. I'LL DO A SHOE RIGHT NOW! GET ME A DR. SCHOLLS INSOLE! I'LL FUCK IT."

Back on the date Sasha is talking about mystical unicorns and then puts Jilly on the spot and asks if he's going to get a rose. Jillian goes to get it, comes back and tells him that she's not perfect and doesn't think he's ready to settle down. Plus, she doesn't like car accident victims cause they're icky. She sends Sasha home on a bus. Stay classy Jilly.

Wes finds an opportunity to go to visit Jilly and cheer her up by serenading her with his song. Seriously, Rascal Flatts would kill for this kind of airtime. Jillian eats it up and I lose my dinner.

Cocktail party time. ATD is all dressed up and most probably thinking, "I'm wearing a nice suit so I've got to keep my killing clean. Ever try to get blood out of Armani?" Finally, ATD gets alone time with Jillian and really makes the most of it by saying weird over-the-top things like "I'm used to being top dog and getting all the attention." Where Dave? In your cell block? Juan comes and rescues Jilly thus sealing his fate with death. It's like flipping off Richard Ramirez on the freeway. Juan then uses his time wisely by saying, "I think you're marvelous." The only thing I've ever heard described as marvelous is Cirque du Soleil or maybe a Nagel print.

ATD is fuming.

FFTanner is drunk, horny for toes and goes to hunt down Jilly's pedicure.

ATD on his 10th straight whiskey storms out because not enough people want to kill Juan. He goes up to a group of guys and brings up the faked tequila shot again. "I'll kill him. I'd love to beat the shit out of him." MAN CODE! The apostle Robby agrees 100%.

Rose ceremony: Robby and Ed already have a rose so the remaining slots go to Jake, Reid (phew), Mark?, Jesse?, FFTanner, Wes, Juan, Breakdancer, Kipton, Michael and ATD. Yes, ATD lives so Juan will die. Enjoy ATD for one more week because according to the scenes, he basically tries to date rape Jillian on the next episode so if he doesn't get arrested I'm assuming she won't give him a rose for that.

Opes Has a Bad Week

And, no, I'm not talking about her hair.  First, a tattoo-sporting, orphan-saving, husband-stealing, brother-kissing, blood-wearing do-gooder boots her out of first place on the Forbes Celebrity Power List. THEN, Newsweek magazine dareth to take her on and basically calls her show one big quack factory for hosting "health experts" like Suzanne Somers, Jenny McCarthy and a medical doctor who uses tarot cards to help diagnose illnesses.  I'm pretty sure the Newsweek reporters were guaranteed entry into the Federal Witness Protection Program before this issue hit the streets. Following is my favorite excerpt from the story.  Discuss.

On one of the Secret shows, Oprah gave an example of the scientific power of the concept. She said that once, while she was hosting an episode about a man who could blow really big soap bubbles, she was thinking to herself, "Gee, that looks fun. I would like to blow some bubbles." When she returned to her office after the show, there, on her desk, was a silver Tiffany bubble blower. "So I call my assistant," Oprah told the audience. "I say, 'Did you just run out and get me some bubbles? 'Cause I got bubbles by my desk.' And she says, 'No, the bubbles were always there. I bought you bubbles for your birthday and you didn't notice them until today'." There are many lessons that might be drawn from this anecdote. One is that if you give Oprah a thoughtful gift, she may not bother to notice it or thank you for it. 

Non-Stop Celebrity Drama

I thought I'd have at least seven days to recuperate from the premiere of I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, but no, the wizards at NBC have decided to put this show on every night of the week. Because it's just THAT GOOD, people. So, I DVR'd the past 3 nights, then watched them all at once in a rather depressing marathon that ended with me wiping drool off of my chin and discussing my life's choices with my cat. Good times.

Since I'm probably the only person in America watching this show, besides the incarcerated, let's just stick to the highlights:

Night two:

In some random food challenge, Spencer & Heidi, aka The Married Douches, go into a dark chamber and try to grab cut-out stars while avoiding rats, bugs, snakes, and spiders. Spencer wins for the men's team, then says this was the most horrifying moment of his life. Funny, because what happens next is the most horrifying moment of MY life:

Spencer is then baptized in a Costa Rican river by Stephen "Missing Link" Baldwin.

Yeah, you read that right. Apparently, Stephen found Jesus a few years ago via his Brazilian housekeeper. I know. Shocking, shocking news. Stephen Baldwin can afford a housekeeper?

This leads to Heidi and Spencer once again leaving the show, since they're "the all-stars and the rest of them are the Bad News Bears," which, I guess, makes Lou Diamond Phillips the Kelly Leek of the jungle and Sanjaya the Tanner. Nobody seems upset to see them go, most especially the NBC producers who've rigged this whole, stupid stunt up in the first place. Whatever.

Night three/Night four:

John Salley, the huge ex-NBA star, and Janice Dickinson, the emaciated ex-cokewhore, get into it because Janice spills water in John's boot and doesn't apologize. He calls her a few choice names, which makes her cry and resemble one of those melting Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark. He later apologizes and then she hacks up things from her lungs and spits loogies and steals Frangela's make-up bag. The woman is a hot, skeletal mess who really needs to be put in a sanitarium, and I mean that in the kindest way possible.

Next, the celebs do some wild challenge where they have to stick their hands in a dark, scary hole. Or, as Sanjaya calls it, Thursday.

Then, shocker! The other unattractive Balwin brother suddenly appears from out of the bushes--not Alec, not Billy, but that other brother who is usually only on TV for things like drug arrests and gun possession--yes, it's new cast member Daniel Baldwin! (And you just know Alec is watching all of this from his mansion in the Hamptons, surrounded by his Emmys, drinking champagne and laughing his ass off.)

We then hear that Speidi wants back on, but the cast doesn't agree. Like they have any choice in the matter, really. They're just the Bad News Bears. Then there's another challenge with big cubes that the men win, and finally, Angela, half of the comedy duo, Frangela, gets voted off. Which is sort of sad, because she was really funny and not a freakshow like Janice who won't even share her shampoo.



More next week, unless I get a life before then. So, more next week.