Disaster!

(Life imitating art! Look no further than So ... Dance!)


I was watching a movie once about a really big boat, a gigantic boat, like the biggest passenger ship ever built at the time, and it was making its maiden voyage to America. Every one was having a great time and enjoying the trip and then BOOM! Out of nowhere the boat hits an iceberg and sinks. After the movie, I got to thinking. I know this was just a movie, but could a disaster like that really happen in real life? It shook me up, but then I realized I was being crazy. Things like Titanic ships sinking only happen in fiction. Something like that could never happen in real life.

Or so I thought! But real life disaster struck close to home last night on So ... Dance! The worst possible thing we, as a society could envision, happened. Evan made the finals! That's like a 1000 Titanic ships all sinking at the same time, only in real life. Why did this happen!!!!!! Poor Ade finally went home, along with Melissa who looks like she's been doing push-ups non-stop since she started the show so it may be a blessing she is finally gone. Seriously, she is starting to look like Bride of Incredible Hulk.

(No joke, this guy really made the finals!)

But Ade! I know, I know. You're thinking "But he probably wasn't going to win, so who cares?" That's not the point. While Mr. Pick had no real shot at the title, at least he would be in the mix. Now all we get is Evan making weird faces and uncomfortably dancing sexy dances while laughing that he's playing a married guy even though he's not married or proposing to a girlfriend even though he doesn't really have a girlfriend in real life! Hahahahahahahahaha.

On a side note, bringing back dancers from last season may not be in So ... Dance's best interest. Isn't it glaring how much more personality and charisma those guys had? Sure, they've done those dances over and over on tour but you get the feeling that anyone of them would win this year ... even possibly Mark. So we lose Ade, we get reminded that last year was infinitely better, and we get seven whole days to contemplate a world where Evan could be America's favorite dancer, the highest honor an American citizen ca ever hoe to attain. You realize that if he wins, we have to see him all next season. WTF! What does that all mean?

I guess that life isn't fair. At least in that movie, the girl got to keep that big diamond at the end of the fateful trip to make up for losing Leo, so at least she had that going for her. But that was a movie. All we get is Brandon (the best dancer and only guy who could compete with last year's crew but who was going to be in the final no matter what so it's not really a bonus), Kayla (really good but if it comes down to her and Evan I will start frying up my hat because it's all over, what with the way those pre-teen girls vote), and Jeanine (the underdog who has proven her worth). Where's my diamond? Oh, that's right. He's gone. ADDDDDDDDDDEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! You will be missed.

Down with Dorky Little White Dudes

One week before the finals and my dreams of Ade and Brandon making it are still alive. Can you believe it’s been two months since a young man and his pick took the stage for the first time? And I have been championing him ever since. Yes, Brandon is winning this thing, but when nobody knew who Ade was, I had the courage to stand up and say “That guy with the pick is going places.” And now one dorky little white dude stands in his way! But I am confident the judges will sway the voters to get me what I want. Especially when I see Lil C, because we all know Lil C will see right through Lil Whitey! And, I did say early on if Evan wins, I’ll eat my hat. And we don’t want that!

Guys group dance –

Sonya choreographed and it was a cool dance, but Ade and Brandon stole it from Evan. True, I may be biased towards dorky dudes, but that’s my right as an American. That’s why we fought for our freedom, so I could pick on the Evan’s of the world. Please stop judging me! It’s not my fault it’s how I was raised. My grandma hated dorky dudes. She would sometimes embarrass me in restaurants when the waiter would take our order. “Ugh, I am not going to be served by that dorky dude. He’s just so … dorky!”, she would exclaim while I tried to hush her. And now look at me. I have become her! Although, to be fair, Evan is dorky AND annoying.

Luckily, Lil C talked up Brandon and Ade, expressing how dominant they are (all part of the plan) but then gave Lil Whitey kudos for keeping up. Um, why does it seem like Evan gets critiqued like he’s four years old playing with the big kids? And all those “you are so special” and “you are doing super duper for who you are” need to translate to non-votes. But after one dance, I ain’t worried. Brandon and Ade in the lead for the finals.

Jeanine and Ade –

They get paired up and get a Samba and I immediately say, out loud, “Uh-oh, Ade dances too high in these routines. This is not good.” Um, I think it’s official. I need help. And fast. So what happens … Ade dances TOO high and gets torn apart by the judges, Mary especially. She wouldn’t shut up about it. Stupid Mary! Ade is suddenly in serious trouble. Especially because …

Melissa and Evan-

get a Broadway routine by Tice. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! How is Evan getting a Broadway routine a week before the finale? That's his specialty, the only thing he can knock out of the park. During the rehearsals he talks about how in the routine he’s marrying Melissa, but she’s already married in REAL life. Hahahahahahahahahaha. Oh, the irony. Wait, she’s married, but in the dance you’re marrying her? How could this be? Is this possible? Stupid little dorky dude!

Lil puts down Evan, saying he was excited for the dance but expected more. It’s official! Lil C has got Ade’s back and maybe we are back on track. (By the way, that’s not me trying to rap. It just happened. Because I got skillz!) But then Mary opens her big mouth and says “Get me to the church on time, more like get me to the finale on time!” It’s official! Mary is the anti-christ, and now she is pushing her Evan propaganda on us. I’m starting to get sick to my stomach, and not because the cops are banging on my door after I continuously screamed "No" over and over again until the neighbors got pissed.

Kayla and Brandon-

Do an awesome dance. Does it matter? Brandon is going through. I’m not worried about him. Mr. Pick, Ade, the guy nobody knew, is in trouble and I can’t concentrate. These two are the best dancers in the bunch and they are dancing together. No brainer. I did like that the choreographer is from the Canadien version of So … Dance, although they call it So You Think You Can Dance, eh?

Quick side note, the more I see Brandon, the more I realize why I like him. It’s because we pretty much have the same body type. Okay, it’s not totally the same - I AM a little taller.

Jeanine and Ade –

Hip hop by the un-hippest choreographers ever, Nappy Tabs. The dance is about getting evicted and having to move out! Those two. I can’t wait for their hip-hop routine next week. It’s all about the hardships the kids these days face when they take the SATs. Not to give any spoilers but a number 2 pencil does break.

Lil C gives the dancers high praise, but Mary gives praise only after re-living the Samba. Mary, stop screwing over Ade! She does say the dance spoke to everybody because “How many people here have gotten evicted?” Um, are evictions on the rise? What the hell is she talking about? I’m guessing three people in the audience have been evicted, since most are pre-teen girls.

Melissa and Evan –

Quick- step (awesome, all part of the plan!). Lil C gives Evan tough love and picks on his retractions (Really? Fantastic! Lil C is pulling out all the stops, although he could have been nicer to Ade during the Samba, even in if it did suck.) Mary blah, blah blah, and then Nigel says these two were the favorites but now it’s up in the air. They were never my favorites, Nigel!

Brandon and Kayla –

Disco, kick-ass, can we just put them through to the next round? What we did learn during the critique is that Mary’s spray tan doesn’t hit her armpits, which is an unsettling image on television. Plus, as she waves her arms around, all I could think about was raw turkey, which is actually kind of sexy!

Girl Group Dance –

They are all fine. I hope Kayla and Jeanine make the finals but I won’t be too annoyed if Melissa takes their slot. Unless it’s Kayla’s slot and then I will be annoyed. And Jeanine’s because she has been the underdog that rose up, unlike Evan, who nobody likes except for the millions of people voting for him.

So now we wait. And hope. And pray. Because if Evan makes it through, I am only three dancers away from having to eat my hat! Which was not part of the plan.

Denny Strikes Out

"And it's one! Two! Three strikes you're out! " Oh, if only life were that simple. Denny would have been banned from show biz by now and I'd be doing something equally unsatisfying with my life rather than critiquing her show.

So this week's "It's Complicated" -- the season finale, folks!!! -- has Denny traveling to Chicago (I can't believe she didn't call me to meet for drinks) for a charity event whereby she agrees to sing "Take Me Out to the Ball Game," the beloved seventh inning stretch tradition at Wrigley Field. Well, listen, was it atrocious? Yes. But did she deserve all the nasty backlash? Yes.

Okay, not really. I mean, I think Jeremy Piven did it bombed and while suffering from fake mercury poisoning and nobody gave him any guff. Plus, it was for CHARITY. As one knows, I am no Denny-defender, but Denny even took voice lessons to prepare. Although my guess is this particular voice coach is now currently out of work. So, people, she tried! Okay? Sheesh.

Denny and her disproportionately less attractive sister want to throw a 60th birthday party for father Irv. Denny's sister get PO-ed because Den starts planning without her, going so far to contact party-planner-to-the-stars Mindy Weiss, who was Denny and Charlie's wedding planner. (She was also Brad and Jen's and one has to wonder what the divorce rate is for Mindy's clients...) Her sister bursts out, "You always do this! Ever since we were little!" I'm no psychiatrist, but I'm pretty sure this isn't about the party. I'm pretty sure this is about Sibling Inferiority Syndrome whereby the less attractive, less accomplished, less visible of the siblings holds everything in their entire life until a party for a parent's 60th birthday comes around and the one sibling murders the other as the candles are being blown out. Unfortunately for E! Entertainment's ratings, Denny's sister merely pouts a bit and will probably bludgeon Denise off-camera in conjunction with Irv's 75th birthday bash after allowing 15 more years of resentment to build up.

We see Denny with Trainer Guy and they go mountain bike riding and as they admire the view from atop a stunning vista, Trainer Guy says something along the lines of "I could push you off right now..." This seems a strange comment only if you are unaware they promised to be together within the year if they weren't with other people and the year is closing in on him and so he's thinking perhaps federal prison on capital murder charges is better than ending up with Denny. Alas, he doesn't shove her off the cliff (yet...) but now we have three suspects if Denny ever does go missing (Charlie, the sister and the trainer. Keep up, people.)

Farewell, Denny, keep it complicated. We'll miss you, and I say this fairly certain there won't be a Season 3. But if there is, at least try to do something exciting next season. Like how about stealing Jack Wagner from Heather Locklear? And I simply must ask again: WHY AM I NOT A REALITY TV PRODUCER?

Six Important Questions

Who - seriously thought Katie Holmes dance routine was wonderful when it was being taped? Word on the street had been that she killed it. After all that press coverage about Katie's cameo on the upcoming episode and we were subjected to that? If you can watch a dance routine and surmise that it would take an hour of training to be on the same level as the person doing the dance, that's not considered exceptional or killer or boss, or awesome or fantastic. It's more likely classified as a bad talent show performance.

What - happened to Katie Holmes, anyway? I know the whole Tom Cruise thing but things have been amiss for awhile. She started as a cute girl next door on Dawson's Creek but slowly began to morph, and grow and grow and grow like she was popping Jack's magic beanstalk seeds. Then she developed the stroke acting technique, which basically consists of acting with only one side of your mouth. See Batman Begins, where it was on full display. I remember I spent the whole movie wondering when the paramedics would show up to treat Katie's character. Now she has morphed into this little girlish, tall, gangly mommy type person. Not a woman, not a girl, just something. My favorite part was the interview before the dance when she said simply "I've always liked to sing and dance." Good for you, Katie, good for you!

Where - was Twitch on the 100th episode? Was he there? Did I miss him? The guy was integral to season 3 and 4! Why not have him and Joshua do that Russian dance from last season instead of Katie stumbling around the stage like a newborn colt? Yes, this crop of dancers has grown on me (Brandon and Ade, I'm talking about you) but when there is an opportunity for some Twitch action, So ... Dance you have to act on it. Even a solo. Anything that can erase the Katie Holmes memory from my brain.

When - is my therapist going to call me back. I'm a little worried that I have become too involved with everything So ... Dance. More importantly, is it appropriate to talk to Kitty Cat continuously through the show, thinking she may be able to hear me? Or is that something else I need to discuss with a professional?

Why - is the possibility of Evan in the finale even alive? Janette was his partner and she got the boot and she has been ten times better than him this whole competition. Melissa really should have gone, but she was saved by Tearfest 2009, which is okay by me because it also saved Ade.

How - was Evan not even in the bottom two? Who's voting for this guy? Do you realize Evan has never been in the bottom two? Is that the new thing - dorky little white dudes with droopy eye-lids who awkwardly try to joke around with their fellow dancers? Now I know I didn't vote, but I expect my fellow Americans (teeny bopper girls) to get this right and right now they are failing me. Brandon is the best dancer on the show (no offense Ade, you still my boy) and he was in the bottom two instead of Evan. America, don't make me angry! You won't like me when I'm angry!

Next week is the last one before the finale, or should I say the last chance to rid us of Evan once and for all. I expect the judges to do the right thing and go gunning for him, perhaps maybe give him a couple of waltzes. Hey Evan, don't get any grand ideas. Just because Kriiiiiiis Allen won AI, doesn't mean you should win So ... Dance. Because last time I checked, it ain't White Boy day! (Or is it? I always forget when White boy Day is? They should make it a specific day instead of moving it all around the calendar. Way too confusing.)

Let's get it on ... next week!

Torture, Thy Name Is So ... Dance

I know, I know, I missed last week. And I was overwhelmed by the millions of e-mails that were almost sent to me wondering why I didn't post. But don't you worry, I'm back and ready to have at it. So all those drafted and unsent e-mails can be deleted.

First off, let's talk last week very quickly. My unofficial rankings had Kupono and Randi as my least favorite dancers and surprise, surprise, they were voted off. This proves that either I am a reality show genius (see my Joan Rivers prediction) or I think like a twelve year old girl (see my i-tunes downloads). Whatever the case, we are down to eight dancers and my faves are still there, although WTF America? Why was Ade even in the bottom two? Have I mentioned that he wears a pick in his hair? Don't make me pull out the race card again America (see Vitolio and Haitian orphan prejudices)? We have two shows left until the finale and Brandon and Ade better be there! I'm not saying I will personally hunt down every person who doesn't vote for Ade and egg their house, but I'm not not saying it either.

Guess what? We have four judges this week, as Ellen DeGeneres AND Mia Michaels join the panel. Yay! This will be so much fun. Mostly sarcasm, although it is interesting to watch the dueling hairstyles taking place (I had links of Mia and Ellen's similar cropped hair styles, but it crashed my computer so I am forgoing it. No joke. Who would have guessed Mia's image and Ellen's image would be too much for my computer to take). We then spend the next six minutes watching the judges pat themselves on the back about how wonderful they are. I'm no psychic (or am I?) but I sense a looooooooong night ahead of us.

First up is a group dance, and it is also our first exposure to Ellen making a joke and the judges overly laughing at whatever she says. I hope this keeps up, because there's nothing I love moe than fake laughing. Hahahahahahahahahaha!

Evan and Janette:

They do a Sonya contemporary dance and after Ellen say "I can do that." Hahahahahahahahaha! The judges can't stop laughing at the line as if they never heard something so funny, EXCEPT it's the same joke she made after the group dance. Nothing really eventful except I am tired of Evan. Like really tired. Like I need him gone from the show. I know, I'm very fickle and before it was all about getting rid of Kupono, please, now, no more Kupono, but Evan is just too cutesy for me and it's getting kind of creepy.

The highlight is when Nigel tells Mary to Shut Up, which means Nigel has suddenly become a hero to non-deaf people across the world.

Brandon and Jeanine:

They get the waltz which is pronouned "death". Not only do they do a waltz but it is a slow waltz, perhaps the slowest waltz ever danced in the history of the world. This is a dance you would see 90 year olds doing, like what you would be subjected to if you went to your parents' 50 year wedding anniversary and your parents performed a special dance for the room after taking two classes. Except your parents probably don't look like Brandon and Jeanine (I say probably because you may have a little gay buff black man for a father, how the heck would I know. I don't know you personally, okay.)

Nigel says it was boring and slow and he's right. But he still compliments the choreographer. Um, the choreographer was responsibly for making it boring and slow. You may be a hero to the non-deaf, but you just made a powerful enemy with the logic minded people of the world.

Mia, of course, can't wait to rip into Brandon and tells him "maybe you shouldn't have spent so much time thinking about bunnies and rainbows and spent more time thinking about the choreography". She is referencing the video package before where Brandon says the choreography was confusing him and he found himself thinking about bunnies and rainbows (I did mention he was gay) AS A JOKE! And now Mia is holding that against him.

EFF YOU MIA! You do know what a joke is, right? Like, for instance, "What's the only thing that can eat more than Mia Michaels? Two Mia Michaels!" Cue over laughing now. hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Only that's not really a joke, since it is sadly, very much true, but you get my point.

Ade and Melissa:

They get the cha-cha and it's not good. It's really not. And now I'm sad because America will feel justified to get rid of Mr. Pick and Crazy-Eyes (that would be a great buddy flick.) Truth be told, Melissa can go if need be, as all the girls are comparable, but Jason and/or Evan in the finale will be the end of civilization as we know it. That's according to Nostradamus, not me.

Nigel likes it (which I appreciate for Ade's sake) and Ellen says "Are you two carpenters? Because you nailed it!" hahahahahahahahaha But Mary and Mia are harsher, which I totally agree with. Wow, never thought I would say that but I'm nothing if not fair. Although Mia doesn't mince words when she tells Ade "This was your worst performance of the season." Bitchy til the end, huh Mia? Although if anyone is an expert in worst performances, it would be you, since every week is your worst performance yet. hahahahahhahahahahaha

Jason and Kayla:

They do a Tice (Tasty Oreo) number and Ellen says "Are you carpenters? Cause you nailed it." hahahahahaha Wait as second! Really fucking funny but I have a nagging suspicion I've heard that joke before. Mary pulls out a train whistle (get it, hot tamale train. Mary is now the Carrot Top of the judges, trying to one-up Ellen) and Ellen gives her a look that seems to say "Really? This is really happening? She has a train whistle and this is considered prime time entertainment?" I like to think there is comic good still inside Ellen somewhere deep within the recesses of her soul and the recognition that she is sitting on a panel with a woman holding a train whistle will remind her that she doesn't have to be annoying all her life.

Round Two (Deep breath):

Evan and Janette:

Perform a Rumba to a Kriiiiiis Allen song and it is the perfect storm of suckitude. Isn't that the eight circle of hell, Kriiiiiis Allen continuously singing as Evan dances a Rumba for all of eternity, while you are forced to watch, hoping that any moment Cat will come back and make it stop but she never does, she never does!? Oh, Cat, how have you forsaken us. I thought we had something special.

Nigel disses Evan and then Mia and Evan talk to him like he is four, telling him he is beautiful in his own way and special. I'm wondering if time has stopped because this show is neverending, although if you take out the over laughs, Fox could probably shave the whole episode down to a lean 22 minutes. hahahahhahahaahahaha

Brandon and Janette:

Perform a pop jazz routine by a new choreographer and it is awesome. Choreographer is great (she's like a female Shane Sparks, which is the highest compliment I can give. Trust me, it goes over very well in the bars! You tell a woman she is like a female Shane Sparks, and she is putty in your hands), dancers are great, routine is great. Enough said.

The dance wakes Nigel up, who complains that the whole evening has been flat up to this point. Really Nigel? Then stop praising the choreographers after every routing and giving all the dancers props. Because I agree, the night has sucked, but why not grow a pair and say it after the routines. You could have saved all Americans an hour of their lives.

Melissa and Ade:

Tice routine about breast cancer. Very moving, Ade is awesome and the whole panel is in tears. I'm happy because no way Ade is going home now, not as judge after judge tearfully talks about how wonderful the dance was. Not to be callous, but ENOUGH! I know it is my boy, Mr. Pick, but this is too much. We get it, powerful, moving, etc. The best moments are the shots of Melissa's husband who has to watch her cuddled up with Ade once again. I wonder if he goes home and votes for every other dancer just to get her off the show. You know the old saying "Once you go black dancer, you never go back to dorky red headed guy."

Kayla and Jason:

These two have to follow that last dance but luckily they get a Shane Sparks routine. And Shane is the best. And the routine is great. And it just reiterates that the first hour was a waste of time. Nigel does say the hip-hop as been lacking this season until that routine and I can only assume that's a shot at Nappy Tabs. You just know Napoleon is pissed and you don't want to piss off that "bad boy". You never know what he might do. Prank phone calls, ringing your door bell and running. I just hope Tabitha can calm her man down before he crafts a strongly worded letter and sends it to Nigel, annonymously.

After all is said and done, I think there is no way Ade leaves, even though I thought he was in trouble after the first round. Same for Brandon. So bottom guys have to be Evan and Jason, with Evan mercifully (for me) getting the axe. As for the girls, who knows? I though Melissa, but that dance may carry her through. With heavy heart, I think Janette is a goner, as she may have gotten lost in the shuffle of those last three dances and now must shuffle off the show. hahahahahahahahahaha

Whatever happens, All I know is, that was the longest two hours of my life (Biggest Loser episodes excluded) and I only hope reading this blog was only the longest half hour of your life. Hahaha

Men Tell Jack Sh--

Last night's Bachelorette "Men Tell All" episode is akin to if NBC aired a Friends reunion and only Joey showed up. With Reid ("he had a prior engagement") and Wes ("you can figure out why he's not here") not in attendance, we got a lot of face time with "perfect" pilot Jake who looks like he has a hanger stuck in his mouth sideways; toe jam lovin' Tanner; and Angry Trucker Dave who is now sporting facial hair presumably as a disguise to fend off attacks from enraged feminists.

And because I suppose they had to fill some time, we receive a visit from Jason and Molly, who I'm pretty sure is part human, part amphibian. They live in different cities and only see each other every other weekend but they WILL get married. Yes they WILL TOO! I was never much for English literature so kindly insert that Shakespeare line about protesting too much or whatever it is here. Jason actually refers to them as "Team M&M." I think he means Mesnick and Molly but I take it as Meathead and Moron.

By the way, I've always liked Chris Harrison in a "wow this guy got an easy gig and he's going with it" kind of way. But now I'm beginning to think he's an assh---. Like he doesn't know the reason Wes wasn't there was because ABC was pissed to high heaven that Wes ignored the confidentiality clause in his contract and spilled some beans about the way the show is edited? And Reid had a "prior engagement?" Unless that was a not-so-clever play on words and the engagement they speak of is to Jillian, Chris Harrison can bite me.

Other lowlights:

• Have we not heard enough about this Man Code that it needs to be the star of the Men Tell All episode? But we do get to the bottom of the fact that the now-bearded Angry Trucker Dave and Robby Party Pants are the only ones who subscribe to this exact Man Code of which Dave speaks. I suspect right after the show Dave and Robby huddled together outside the studio and plotted Juan's death in some kind of Man Code ritualistic beheading.
• Juan admits he only did half of that tequila shot that caused Dave such outrage and in one moment of clarity Chris Harrison says, "Who cares?" if he did the shot. Then Dave prattles on again about how MAN CODE dictates that one just says one doesn't want to do a shot when one is served a shot that one doesn't want to do. At this point, I want to do the half shot Juan tossed out and about 20 more.
• Dave also clears up that in Dave-speak "I want to kick Juan's ass" doesn't mean he "wants to kick Juan's ass." We're left to ponder what it does mean, but are comforted that Juan won't be bludgeoned to death right before our eyes.
• When on the "hot seat" being grilled by Chris about "making Jillian very uncomfortable" Dave turns to the audience and asks, "Wouldn't you want someone to tell you have a great ass?" Boos erupt, and as they pan to the front row of angry women we expect Dave to scream "That's because you don't have great asses, bitches!"
• At one point after he was booted, Dave told the media he is a "very funny, comical guy" and it was a shame ABC only showed one side of him. I for one look forward to his first stand-up comedy appearance and plan to arrange for Juan to be seated front and center because Juan really seems to inspire Dave's funny bone.
• An unflattering montage of Wes clips are shown and then Chris asks if there are any Wes supporters in the audience. No one dares to stand up. Mainly because I suspect they told the audience on commercial break that if they did they'd be locked in a windowless room and forced to wear a Juan mask at which point Angry Dave would be let loose on them.
• The non-foot-fetish Tanner (yes, there were two Tanners trying to woo Jilly) talked too much for my liking. Dude, you were kicked off like eons ago, nobody remembers who the hell you are so just sit there and shut the f*#! up and let Dave ramble on some more about Man Code because as boring as that is, you're worse.
• Jilly makes an unremarkable appearance, sort of chastises Angry Dave who apologizes, she "of course forgives him" and she in turn apologizes to Juan for all he had to go through. While we're handing out apologies, I'm sitting there waiting for one too since this is the WORST Men Tell All episode in the history of the Bachelor franchise.
• They show some outtakes and one was Jilly on whatever Paula Abdul takes in large doses and they are feeding her pepperoni pizza presumably to sober her up a bit and she sort of makes love to the piece of pepperoni, the clip of which might be picked up by some X-rated food porn web site. Surely there is a food-eating fetish, right? I mean, there's one for people urinating on each other so I'm just assuming. Back to Jilly sitting next to Chris on the "hot seat" and she declares somewhat defensively, "I like pepperoni." So we see...
• ABC planted an audience member to stand up and ask Jake if he was going to be the next Bachelor. ABC then lights up the "Applause Please" button and applause erupts. ABC, if Jake is picked as the next Bachelor, he will steal the Most Boring Bachelor Ever trophy from that awful Officer and a Geek guy Andy Baldwin. Please. Don't. Do. It.
• And then we see coming attractions for next week. Let me address the elephant in the room here. And, unfortunately, I mean this quite literally. Why does Jillian weigh 80 pounds but her mother weighs 800 pounds? I'm not trying to be mean here, people, just asking. One has to wonder if that had anything do with Jason slapping Jilly with "the friend card" last season. "Oh, sure, she's skinny now," he probably said to himself, "but maybe those fat genes will kick in after we pop out Prince Ty II." Then again, if Jason was judging the girls by their families I'm assuming he would have been put off when a frog wearing an apron answered the door at Molly's house.
• And (da dum dum DUMB), we see Reid standing there fondling a ring of some sort that doesn't look as impressive as the ones we see Ed and Kippy caressing in limos on their way to possibly propose. HOWEVER, Reid sans big-ass ring is better than Ed and Kippy presenting JLo-esque jewels. OMG!!! WHO WILL WIN JILLY'S HEART??? Really, at this point, who cares.

So there ya have it. I will go on record as saying if Jilly actually winds up marrying one of these people I will gnaw off my own right arm while imitating those lip-pursing faces Jilly makes and chanting Jilly's favorite phrases such as "Wicked!" and "Cool!" and "I'm pumped!" and "Your parents will love me! All parents love me!" and "Tell me how much you and your parents love me cause I'm an annoying, insecure blob of neediness!"

Denny is Pimped, I mean PRIMPED

This week's episode of "It's Complicated" is actually helpful! We learn the intricacies and tips for a perfect spray tan and I only pray that Lisa Rinna was watching.

The theme of the show was Denny helping out best friend Kim by being a model for Kim's new line of cosmetics call Primp. (Kim frightens me. I'd sooner buy items from a line of cosmetics by Marilyn Manson.) Denny says the photo shoot will be "a big challenge" as though she was cast to star in a feature film alongside Meryl Streep. She does lots of prepping (aforementioned spray tanning, low carbs, workout with her trainer who made the alarming promise to be her boyfriend if they are both single in a year, etc.). Generally, the same things she always does. Kimmy decides to do the shoot FOR A MAKEUP LINE underwater.

Every half-hour reality tv program needs what Hollywood likes to call "conflict" so we have Kimbo getting pissed at the stylist on the shoot (who by the way has way better taste than Kim) because she gets a little bossy boots about what the models should wear. Because she is, after all, the stylist.

Kimmy also has issues with the photographer, who is British and hot by the way, because he wants to know why hair and makeup is taking so long when they are doing an underwater shoot. He seems to find Kim about as fetching as a dead catfish rotting on a pier. "C'mon, Kim," he demands. "Hurry the f@#$ up!" Me likey.

The needy hair guy spends all of this time CURLING THEIR HAIR when the shoot will start with the models immediately jumping in the water. "But don't they look pretty?" he pouts.

So Denny jumps in and her makeup immediately starts running. Um, duh. The yummy photographer tells Kimmy "this is the worst idea ever" and she looks like he just fed her slugs stuffed with extra slime on a platter.

Then D-Babes takes another dive in the pool and smashes her head into the side. I stop myself from laughing because clearly my karma is bad enough already and several people gave me some grief last week about being too mean. (Hey, lollipops, I'm not here to be nice.)

In the end, they sort of copy the poster from Wild Things and everyone is happy except perhaps Nev Campbell and of course ME because I signed up to watch this crap.

Dancing with The D-Dog

We begin with Denny mulling over with her father Irv whether she should appear on Dancing with the Stars and her dad reminds her that people hate her guts and that it's up to a public vote who gets let go from the show so she "could be the best dancer there" (no worries on that Irv) and still get voted off because the American population as a whole finds her a vile human being.

So Denise is getting ready to do press for Dancing with the Stars and her luckless sod of an assistant says, presumably because Denny is so excited, "Do you think you'll pee your pants in front of Diane Sawyer?" And now they have my attention because I greatly dislike Diane Sawyer (long story) so I'm thinking maybe Denise will actually pee ON Diane Sawyer.

She is getting introduced on GMA and the announcer roars, "Actress Denise Richards!" At what point will that title cease considering she is no longer acting? I'd prefer to see something along the lines of "Has-Been Husband-Stealer and Reality Show Catastrophe Denise Richards!" Just a suggestion...

Denny meets Max, her dance partner, and Denny looks thrilled and Max looks like he's been served a big bowl of steaming sh--. And, well, really, he kind of has.

Flash to Denny in her car with her two adorable daughters and we learn that Denny talks to her children like they are mentally impaired. "Do you want Mommmmmmmyyyyy to win a troppppphhhhhyyyy?" she asks like she's talking to a brand new puppy who just had an accident on the rug.

Then Denise is on the set of the film Freeloaders where she has taken on the challenge of playing herself, Denise Richards. She "picks the brain" (I hate people who use that expression) of fellow cast member Jane Seymour who did a stint on Dancing the Stars and Jane looks like she'd rather have her brain sucked out with a straw than have it "picked" by Denny. Jane gives Denny a hideous necklace but then we learn Jane designed it herself so we conclude she wasn't so much giving Denny a thoughtful if unsightly present as she was hawking her wares on national television. (Note to Jane: Stick to getting felt up by Owen Wilson and such, Kitty Cat.)

Denny is practicing with Max and he wants to rip her head off and she starts crying and I guess we're suppose to sympathize but I kind of want to send Max a basket from Harry and David to thank him. Then we see Denny at the premiere of DWTS and we see Carrie Ann at the judges' table and I almost faint because I realize how much I've missed her (BAHAHAHAHAHAAA!) and start Googling when next season will start.

D-Dog makes it through the first round of eliminations, but only because the voting public thought Belinda Carlisle was really Priscilla Presley and shouldn't she be back at Graceland mowing the expansive lawn or using tarot cards to keep The King's soul company or something?

So Denny says she will be "humiliated" if she is the second person to be kicked off. More humiliated than when one's ex-husband calls you a "sad, jobless pig" one wonders? Denny is up for elimination against Holly Madison and loses. When one is less popular with the American public than a gal who slept with an octogenarian for cash, one must take a good look at one's self in the mirror.

Denster says it is "very humbling" and she "never thought she'd be voted off" that night, presumably because she thinks Holly is a bigger tart than she is and surely America would agree. Um, apparently not.

The "life lesson" Denny learns through all of this is she "can walk into any room in any situation." Alert Buddha! We have an enlightened one!

Sigh. Do I sound mean, bitter and nasty? Good.

Shock the World ... (or at least me)

So I settled in for the obvious results, thumb in constant contact with the FF button, so I could get through all the fluff and reminder of stuff we saw just last night. (Cat, y’know I love you, but I sometimes have to fast-forward even when you are talking. Don’t hate the player!) I was so confident Caitlin and Jason/Kupono was getting the axe, I really had the let’s hurry up and get on with it. Even when Kupono escaped the bottom three, I didn’t break a sweat. I felt bad for Jason, because now his fate was sealed. No chance to have Kupono dance for his life by slowly swaying back and forth as he mouthed the words to a Sinead O’Conner ballad.

Nigel then explained that the judges already know who is going home before the dance for life and they take the dancer’s entire body of work into account, not just the dance for life, but the dance can sway their opinion. Perhaps the Haitian Orphans of America had sent a threatening letter and he felt the need to explain himself for last week’s travesty. Except Kupono was so bad in his dance and if you go back, he and Vitolio were really neck and neck all season, so no amount of explanation can undo that wrong. Anyway, really blah-blah-blah, as it didn’t matter, unless Ade or Phillip pooped on stage, there was no way they weren’t going on tour.

Dance for life happens and Jason does bring it, as does Phillip. But Ade blows everyone out of the water. I love that guy. Like love him love him. Have I mentioned that he wears a pick in his hair? The girls are all fine and it’s time for the results. Caitlin is quickly cut and then the guys are up. Phillip is first to get called and Nigel tells him IT’S OVER! WTF! There is no possible way that they just cut Phillip, one of the main attractions for the tour. So … Dance, you did it. You tricked me – Um, wait, what’s Nigel saying? He “talked” to the producers and they are “letting” them bring all twelve dancers on tour.

How convenient. I knew there was no way they wouldn’t let Phillip go on tour. I also love that Nigel talked with the producers and they let that happen. Hey Nigel, you’re the executive producer. Who’s saying no to you? Did you look in the mirror and ask yourself if you could bring twelve dancers on the tour, give a big smile, a thumbs up, and say “Whatever Nigel wants, Nigel gets!”? So basically, So...Dance gets to have their cake and eat it too, as Phillip was not strong enough to continue but was a needed presence on tour. Which begs the question: What does have your cake and eat it too really mean? Isn’t the whole point of having cake to eat it? I’m so confused. By the way, kudos to Cat for keeping us all in the dark and building suspense. Ryan Seacrest could never do that (unless we’re talking about his sexuality, then he’s the king or duke or prince or queen of keeping us in the dark! Hahahahahahahahahahahaha)

How about Phillip’s speech at the end? He’s like the modern day Lou Gehrig, if Lou Gehrig was a dancer on a reality show and not dying of a disease. I guess the bonus in all this is now there are two guys in the final five that I am rooting against, although Jason did have a great solo. So going forward, here are my unofficial rankings:

Guys:

1. Brandon
2. Ade Brandon and Ade are the poor man’s Joshua and Twitch, although Brandon is the most talented. I just loved Twitch and Joshua but I have promised to forget last season
3. Evan Likeable, but starting to fade
4. Jason Can be impressive, but the writing is on the wall.
5. Kupono He’ll always be the guy that took Vitolio’s spot, and I am not capable of forgiveness (even though Vitolio probably wouldn’t get to go on tour even if he won the whole thing)

Girls:

1. Jeanine
2. Janette We had to weed out all the brunettes, to get to the best two (not that I see hair color)
3. Kayla Still could be the best but I think the little girls don’t like her
4. Melissa She still seems crazy, but I do love how she was firmly pressed against Ade while waiting for results. I have a feeling that her husband went home, cried into his pillow, and then had sex with her sister to get back at Melissa. Oh, and remember that her sister is married to his brother. I guess he will have his cake and eat his brother’s too. Did I mention crazy?
5. Randi I can’t do it. I can’t get on board.

See ya next week, suckers.

So...Dance, You Got Some 'Splaining to Do!

Before we hit this week, I need to address last week. More specifically, for the first time this season, I was bummed about the vote-off. Here’s the deal. I know Vitolio wasn’t the strongest dancer and I knew the judges were gunning for him. But he was likeable and had a good back story. But … the writing was on the wall. We all knew it. Vitolio, see ya, wouldn’t want to be ya! I knew it would take a miracle to keep him around, and when I asked for a miracle, the gods of reality television gave me – Kupono’s solo dance. What a disaster! He looked like he was at a rave minus the glow stick. And as I watched Kupono – who I can guarantee you has been to more than one rave in his life – tank the dance, hope sparked in my soul. Vitolio would have to be saved, because the judges would look at this monstrosity (seriously, a three year old could have done the same routine, only with more feeling) and send Kupono back to whatever blacked out warehouse he came from with a box of sparklers as a parting gift. Vitolio would live to dance another day.

Yet when judgment came, Vitolio got the axe anyway. Why call it dance for your life if it’s not? Kupono's dance didn't warrant a free hot dog, much less his life. Plus, the decision was unanimous, so I can’t even blame the evil Mia Michaels for saving her beloved Kupono. Vitolio went home, even though he and Kupono had both consistently been in the bottom three and they had danced comparably the night before. Fairness and competition, why hast thou forsaken Vitolio?

There is only thing I can conclude from all this: So … Dance is prejudiced against Haitian orphans. Just when I thought this country was making strides in this arena, So … Dance sets back Haitian orphan relations at least twenty years. Alas. With heavy heart, let’s get to the dancers (sans Vitolio) who are dancing TWO routines tonight to get into the top ten dancers, who go on the tour:

Melissa and Ade –
Disco routine which is fine. Not as good as Brandon’s and Janette’s from earlier in the season, but I still marvel at the fact that the crazy-eyed girl and the guy who always has a pick in his hair are front runners, these many weeks in. And that makes me happy, because who would have thought that a guy with a dream and a pick at the ready could be a frontrunner. I have renewed faith in America, regardless of our treatment of Haitian orphans.

Kupono and Kayla –
A Mia Michaels routine about addiction, and it is actually really good. Hold on, taking temperature. Nope, not feverish. I actually liked a Mia routine, maybe because everyone didn’t wet themselves over how great she is. To be fair, she had a rich source to pull inspiration, as we all know about her struggles to beat an addiction to Krispy Kreme donuts. Someday Mia, you shall overcome.

The weird thing was Kupono crying because he had to play the addictive character. Buck up, dude. You and Jason are battling for the fifth guy slot because one of you is going home. This thing has been cast. Trust me, you can’t get all weepy now, not after you stole Vitolio’s ticket. But as Kupono danced well, all I could think was this is bad news for Jason.

Caitlin and Jason –
They perform the fox trot and the choreographer says Jason must be the macho man. Jason + Macho man = Uh-oh. The only time Jason could be the macho man, is if he is dancing with Kupono, and like I said one of them is a goner this week, so that will never happen (on television, that is). Mary and Tice, the guest judge, do have a snap-off, so we have that going for us as a viewing audience. You ain’t lived until you’ve seen Mary Murphy snap, only to be one-upped by the king of snaps, Mr. Tice Diorio!

Jeanine and Phillip –
They get a Russian folk dance choreographed by a couple who look like they were pulled out of a tour group at Universal. “Wow, you have big shark ride. What? You want us teach folk dance? What a country!” Seriously, the guy is wearing a red novelty sweatshirt with the kremlin on it.

All could be forgiven if the dance was good. Unfortunately Jeanine and Phillip looked like they were auditioning to be a feature attraction at the Epcot center. They looked like two runaways from It’s a Small World. After, Nigel rips the dance and puts down the choreography, saying they danced it well but it was a mistake to have that on the show. I wanted Phillip to rip the microphone from Cat (who looked very retro and still the best thing about So … Dance) and say: “Hey executive producer, you’re the douchebag that hired Stolichnaya and Yakov and made us dress in these ridiculous costumes. And now we’re the assholes?!”

Randi and Evan –

Hip-hop routine by Nappy Tab about a girl who is pregnant and the guy is asking her to marry him. All very weird and not in reality. Would have been much better if the guy demanded to see the stick and then ran for the hills. One of the judges liked it and said “Napoleon and Tabitha were smart and played to your strengths. They didn’t make you become urban.” This while Nappy and Tab nodded, even though we know those two wouldn’t know urban if it shanked them in the shower.

Brandon and Janette –
Argentine Tango, which they kill. Brandon is the best on the show and getting better. ‘Nuff said. Quick question: if they replaced Mary with a screeching monkey, would the show miss a beat? It may actually improve the show, as the monkey would hurl poop at the dancers it doesn’t like, as opposed to Mary, who merely tries to shatter glass. Screech, screech, screech is all I hear when she talks. Oh, and Hot Tamale Train, for which these two get tickets.

Round Two and we need to speed this up:

Ade and Melissa –
Waltz. Fine. Ade carries Melissa around as she does ballerina shit. Great.

Kayla and Kupono –
Broadway. West Side story. Not great comments from the judges, as it is time to pop Kupono’s balloon. Look, the judges need to get serious about putting Kupono and Jason in bottom three. If not them, then who? If not now, then when?

Jason and Caitlin –

Get a Mandy Moore (the choreographer, not the singer, as my HD tuner can testify) jazz routine, which they should kill, but once again lukewarm remarks. You can’t beat the system, kids. Get over it.

Phillip and Jeanine –
The jive, which should be death for Phillip, but we all know that the judges need Phillip in that Top Ten, they want him in the Top Ten. As long as he doesn’t take a header, he’s getting good remarks. Nigel: “Best Phillip has been out of his own style!” Translation: Top Ten, here he comes, no matter what. Kupono, put down the razor. You can still beat out Jason.
Mary puts only Jeanine on the Hot Tamale Train, which I didn’t think was possible, but the way she hands out tickets, maybe seating is limited.

Randi and Evan –
Samba choreographed by Pascha and Anya. Wasn’t hot, but it’s the wee ones dancing a spicy samba so let’s give them a pass. Yes, I’m giving Randi a pass, but she was good. The best part is when Tice interrupts Mary to give his critique and Mary gets upset. Why? Because she didn’t get to say Randi was a Hot Tamale! Heaven forefend!

Brandon and Janette –

The best twosome. Brandon’s winning this thing, no? And then Mia will say how she knew it all along. Even Mary gets in one last screech, something about saving the best for last, but I don’t know if she means the dance or her last chance to blow out our ear drums.

Bottom three: Pointless to do a bottom three. Look, the show has four of the five guys all set for top ten: Brandon (the do everything best of the bunch), Evan (the Broadway guy), Ade (solid, pick in the hair schtick, strong, token non-gay black guy), and Phillip (the last of the hip-hop dancers). So Kupono and Jason: Get ready to dance for your lives and remember one of you gets the honor of being eliminated next week instead!

As for the girls, Melissa (ballerina), Randi (spunky), and Kayla (most talented, even though she has been in the bottom multiple times) are all safe. Janette and Jeanine have gotten kudos so it looks like it’s curtains for Caitlin.

So what is my point? Because going into tonight, I could guarantee you who would be safe, without even seeing a dance. Do I put way too much thought into So… Dance? Most likely. Do I need a hobby that doesn’t include mentally figuring out which dancers are assured another week while taking a shower on a Monday morning? Possibly. Am I right about how this is going to play out? Of course I am, because as they say, “when you point a finger at someone else, three fingers point back at you, confirming that you know what’s up!” And I know what is up!

Why do I say all this? Because the biggest thing we have learned is when we know the outcome, don’t waste my time with twelve dances. That takes way too much time to recap. Come on So… Dance, give a blogger a break! I have other things to do, like repair our broken relations with the Haitian orphans of America. Thanks for nothing So … Dance! (Not you Cat, never you!)

It's On Like a Pot of Neck Bones

I have no idea what that means but I think in Wes-speak it's, "I'm gonna be getting me some Spanish tail tonight, ass wipes!" Or perhaps it's the title of his next single after "Love Don't Come Easy."

Either way, if we're trying to improve relations with our foreign allies, I'm pretty sure The Bachelorette's visit to Spain sets us back a few years with our European comrades. Kiptyn bores the entire country (and viewing audience) senseless; Ed's tongue is down Jillian's throat while they practically fornicate in every public fountain; Reid mistakenly orders goat guts or similar at a market; and last BUT IN NO WAY LEAST, Wes may have impregnated half the Spanish population -- Jilly not included -- on his last night in the country. But before we get ahead of ourselves by focusing on the best reality tv villain since Omarosa, let's summarize chronologically:

A date with Kiptyn is first on the agenda. I'm pretty sure Kiptyn and Jesse were the same exact person and ABC is trying to trick us. The only positive going for Kiptyn is his wine-swigging big-mouth mother who grilled Jilly during the hometown dates last week. ("You're used to 'working for your happiness?'," she questioned Jilly somewhat mockingly. "What does that mean?") The family also seems to have some cash, always a somewhat handy quality when seeking a mate. Kippy and Jilly are in Madrid where they take flamenco dancing lessons during the day (shoot me) and go out to dinner via a scooter that night (shoot me again if you missed or simply maimed me the first time). During the painful flamenco scenes Jilly says things like "That is hot!" and worries about Kippy's "boys" because his pants are so tight. We also learn Jilly thinks Kip might be "out of her league." Kip seems to agree and indicates an engagement seems "far off" and despite all of Jilly's protests when Chris Harrison (who apparently is on vacation this week and we learn a rose ceremony flows quite nicely without him) uses the "H" word (Jilly is so nutty!) really Jilly wants to get engaged at the end of this show to whomever is inclined to ask. The infamous Fantasy Suite card comes out and Jilly passes because there will be time for meeting Kip's "boys" another time and I think she's still trying to redeem herself from the Jason hot tub scene from last season that made her look like a tramp.

So... yummy Reid is next. If there is something wrong with Reid -- besides he might actually like Jilly -- someone feel free to speak up. So Jilly and Reid meet up in Seville and they go shopping for picnic items and Reid tries out his bad Spanish (Mi amore, Reid!). She pesters Reid for compliments from his family and blah blah blah and let's fast forward to the Fantasy Suite card. Jilly again denies an overnighter. There will be plenty of time for hanky panky when the remaining three suitors woo Jilly in Hawaii, we're led to believe.

Eddy is back, baby! They meet somewhere in Spain (I'm running out of Spanish cities I can remember) and break the Spanish record for a continuous marathon make-out session. Is it me or is Eddy a two-face? Why does he sometimes look like a Greek God and at other times Herman Munster? I wonder if this is somehow connected to his absence and he purposely got out of the hometown dates because his family is horrific-looking but they don't know it and he is the Marilyn of the clan ... Regardless, we still don't know if Ed has a job or gave it up to come back to win Jilly's love. Jilly doesn't seem concerned about this even though she sent Robby (the in-between bartending jobs guy) home because of his lack of security (and perhaps a wicked bad booze problem alluded to by the other contestants). The Fantasy Suite card comes and GUESS WHAT??? Jilly decides she will reward Eddy's bad behavior of leaving the show by spending the night with him. "We'll sleep in our clothes" she tells him for the benefit of the viewing audience. Right, J-Baby, and Wes wrote "Love Don't Come Easy" just for you...

And now it's Wes' turn. Him and Jilly go to Barcelona and Wes won't come within 10 feet of Jilly because presumably Laurel, his alleged girlfriend back at home, is finally pissed that he got to sing his f@#$ing song already so why isn't his unshowered ass back in Austin where it belongs? So Jilly gets all needy and balled up and brings up the whole girlfriend crap again and whether Wes is here for the right reasons and Wes keeps downing something that looks like Scotch straight up and squirms like he'd rather be strung up by his fingernails than spend one more minute with Jilly. Then the Fantasy Suite card comes and by now Jilly is in tears from his lack of affection and he reads the card and she says, "What do you think?" and we think he'll say, "I'd rather f@#$ the one-legged bird we saw during our picnic" but Wes smiles and says, "Let's do it." It was, if you have any sense of humor whatsoever, hilarious. Jilly says "Let's skip it" through tears presumably hoping he'll beg to make sweet love to her or at least let him sing her another track on his upcoming CD.

So Eddy is the only one who got some lovin' or all night cuddlin' or whatever.

Then here comes the rose ceremony and Chris Harrison is MIA maybe because ABC is on a budget and sprung for three un-used Fantasy Suites and I barely miss the "Jillian, this is your last rose" and "Say your goodbyes."

Kip seems to think he might be going home and Wes says it'll be him and assures the guys he'll "be having lots of sex back in Texas." We see Eddy kind of grin at that while the uptight Kip looks horrified. As was apparent, Jilly sends Wes and his guitar back to Austin and perhaps a smoking-mad Laurel. But not before Wes' limo ride home where he tells us he plans to go out his last night in Spain and get laid and he now can stop acting like he gives a rat's ass about Jilly and he is giddy to have his chains removed and even imitates cutting them off. "Click click click click," he notes as he mockingly snips them away. Because Wes has provided hours of entertainment I'm going to forgive him slamming Reid on his way out ("How do you lose to Reid? You gotta be kidding me!") Then he tells us that the other three guys who are left "wouldn't even get a nibble" in Texas.

And then, because why be on camera if he can't sing, Wes goes out in a swirl of liquor, curse words and a ditty: "I'm in Spain! Everyone's gonna know my name! In Spain!' Indeed. Pan back to Jilly drinking champagne with the final three and she gives some embarrassing speech about how hard it was to tell Wes goodbye but she "has butterflies and she's pumped." She observes that everyone "will be so proud of her" for her choices because presumably she figured out 10 years after everyone else that Wes was only there to promote his music even though a uniformed, rejected pilot made a special trip -- hopefully on his miles -- to warn her.

As the now quotable Wes said, "I was born at night. But it wasn't last night..." which is completely unrelated to anything written here but I had to work it in somehow. Happy trails, Wes! PLEASE return for the guys tell-all episode. And see to it that ABC provides security. You'll need it.

A Double Dose of Denise and Her "Fun Bags"

If you don't like boob jokes I suggest you move it on down the line because this is what E! Entertainment and Denise Richards (and ultimately, Ryan Seacrest) have made me resort to.

Anyway perhaps you noticed (and if not, congratulate yourself on having a life) that I didn't report on last week's "It's Complicated" so I'm doing a double stuffed edition, which is fitting given the subject matter. But the reason I didn't update last week (who the hell are you, my teacher?) is because Denise Richards sucks my will to live. Almost, but not quite as much, as Kendra. So, without further excuses, here we go:

• We learn Denise has friends other than Kim, the poor man's Ellen Barkin, and one actually seems normal. We of course find out later that she is in fact not normal when she names her new baby London.
• Denise decides to throw this city-baby-naming friend a baby shower because she couldn't make the birth of the child because she was "acting on a movie set" playing the part of herself. Nice acting chops, D-Baby. Allow me state the obvious: It's not ACTING if you are Denise Richards playing Denise Richards.
• Denise hires a party planner for the event (because why throw your "dear friend" an "intimate, special" shower that you had to plan yourself?) but the event planner lady (who is clearly an actor and this whole thing is staged but the producers assume anyone watching this show is a complete moron and they are probably about 99.99% correct) isn't listening to Denise (has anyone ever listened to Denise?) and she is fired THE DAY BEFORE THE SHOWER. Oh, the drama!
• Denise and her put-upon assistant (an indentured servant who works weekends) must plan it themselves and we see a flurry of fake phone calls being made. But then we see the venue is the same one the party planner picked out and then the party planner crashes the shower for reasons we still don't know and the whole fabricated story line makes it clear Denise leads a very boring life so much so that the producers must make up events to make this show worth watching. And, yet, somehow it's still not.
• To further prove The D-ster has friends, we see her go to a comedy club to see Krista Allen whose comedy skills are inversely proportionate to her cup size. (Boobs = big. Funny = small. Must I explain everything, people?)
• Krista inspires Denny to try comedy (Krista inspires us all!) and Denny does a skit for FunnyorDie.com because she thinks it will endear her to people if she pokes fun at herself. "It's great to make fun of yourself if people are laughing with you," she tells us, the viewing audience. Um, we're not laughing with you, at you or around you. Besides "fun bags" Denster gets to say "honkers" and "hoo haa" which I suppose is somewhat more hilarious than the term Oprah uses (va-jay-jay).
• Denny thinks this bit is side-splitting good times and congratulates herself about a gazillion times on being able to be poke fun at her image and tells the (mentally impaired) viewers that it was so popular that Ryan Seacrest invited her on his radio show (how many jobs can one man have?) to discuss it. What they FORGET to mention is that Ryan Seacrest is the EXECUTIVE PRODUCER of her show so it sort of behooves him to invite her and her funbags on his program. Oh, we're dumb alright, sugar tits, but not that dumb.
• In prepping with the comic geniuses behind this project, Denny notes "I'm known for my hair, my face and my boobs." And delusions of self grandeur. Hey, Denny, come in real close because I'm gonna tell you a little secret. Ready? Dream on, kid. You're known as a naked tart who married a hooker-loving porn addict and a husband-stealing "friend" of Heather Locklear. But your version is nice too.
• Really, the only likable person in this whole mess is her dad Irv who somehow managed to raise the two most annoying people on the planet (we met D's less attractive but even more grating sister -- who knew such a thing was possible! -- in a previous episode).

Did I miss anything? Oh, yeah. I had to remove all sharp objects, bleach and any substances on which I could possibly OD from my house before sitting down to watch two back-to-back episodes.

Also, I need another show to review. One that doesn't make me want to blow LA off the face of the map. (I'll warn certain ones of you first.) Suggestions? Speak up, people. Your silence bores me.

The Hot Tamale Train

So I vowed to forget last season and just watch this season based on its own merits. And that worked for five minutes before I started wondering when this two hour show would come to an end. When did So … Dance morph into The Biggest Loser? I say that with love, or tolerance, as I do like So … Dance. Relatively speaking, of course. It is a reality show about finding America’s favorite dancer, which if you told me two years ago I would be watching week after week, my first question would be “Did my brain injury happen because a bus hit me?”

But I like it much better than AI, as I’ve stated, and even root for good dancers. On AI, I’m always rooting for the same scenario: Sanjaya to triumphantly reappear and win each and every season, singing only Shakira songs! Dare to dream!

Cue the dancers:

Jeanette and Brandon –

They are recapping the highs and lows for each dancer since the competition started – 3 WEEKS AGO! Blah, blah, blah, Brandon and Jeanette pull off a kick ass salsa or tango or something choreographed by everyone’s favorite Frenchie, Jean Mark. Mary screams and puts them on the hot tamale train, which is her thing, but it has gotten more and more annoying. Plus the dancers react to being put on the hot tamale train like they just hear dance belts are on sale three for a dollar. Hello? It’s a hot tamale train. I don’t even know what that means. I wonder if Mary puts only dancers on the hot tamale train, or does it translate to other parts of her life, like when the cashier at McDonald’s slips her an extra BBQ sauce for her McNuggets. Does that warrant a seat on the Hot Tamale Train?

Now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Guest judge Mia Michaels must critique Brandon, who was told by her in Vegas that she wasn’t impressed and didn’t understand the hype and called him arrogant, even though everything we have seen of Brandon has been a nice, humble, soft spoken guy. Lo and behold, Mia tells him he was great and she thinks he’s so talented. And then she says she is always hardest on those with the most potential and THAT’S why she was tough on him in Vegas. Way to cover your ass, Mia. I was so hoping she would say she was wrong about him and now sees how great he is. I would have maybe had more respect for her and it’s a shame because I know the one thing she really wants is my respect. Well, you blew it Mia! Instead she plays the inspiration card. Even though she said nothing about thinking he had great potential in Vegas and she was giving him tough love. Whatever. All I know is, after rereading that paragraph, I think I may need therapy.

Kupono and Kayla –

Sonya jazz dance and I don’t pay any attention to Kupono yet he gets high praise. Whatever. They get a seat on the Hot Tamale Train, which doesn’t sound like a very tough ticket. Maybe I’ll go on the Hot Tamale Train for the fourth of July, if nothing better presents itself.

Randi and Evan –

Everyone’s favorite little couple do a Broadway routine that lacks pizzazz. Luckily Nigel tells them they are still in his top ten of favorite dancers on the show. What a compliment! He also reveals that red is one of his favorite primary colors!

Jason and Caitlin –

Some crazy jazz routine where Caitlin is an alien woman who has blown up the earth and now wants to impregnate the last male earthling. Interestingly enough, this idea was ripped straight from one of Mia’s sexual fantasies.

Mia reveals herself as queen of the backhanded compliments when she says this about the choreographer: “I don’t think he set out to choreograph the best routine, just one you could have fun with.” Meaning, I thought the routine wasn’t great. Ah, that Mia. If a guest judge said that about her routine, she would have rushed the stage, but in her mind, she’s just being honest. Is there any chance the Hot Tamale Train can run Mia down as she walks back to her car? Does the Hot Tamale Train take requests?

Jeanine and Phillip –

Surprise, surprise. The hip-hop guy gets hip-hop for the second time in four weeks after struggling the last couple of weeks. All part of the plan to get him into the top ten, which I am fine with.

Napoleon and Tabitha choreographed, and I when we see them I the audience, they look like they are trying so hard to be hip. I will give them this: Napoleon looks like the baddest Gap employee this side of the Grand Canyon.

They do a chain dance (chained together), and Mia says: “I love Nappy Tab (Napoleon and Tabitha, hee,hee!) because they push the envelope and do crazy stuff but the chain took away from the dancing because it stole focus. So it wasn’t a great idea.” The Backhanded Compliment Queen strikes again.

Ade and Melissa –

Randomly (meaning the producers set it up this way) Melissa gets a ballet dance (a patte deux or something. I could look it up but you know what I mean when I say ballet dance. Think Nutcracker, people.), the first one ever done on So…Dance in its five season history which is very lucky because she is the only Ballerina ever on the show. What are the odds!

They do a dance from Romeo and Juliet and Melissa is so excited because she always wanted to play Juliet, even though she is closer to playing the nurse than Juliet at this stage of her career. She may be the first Juliet in history that needed Botox. Couldn’t the producers have picked any other ballet dance? Seriously? Is there nothing else out there? She smiles through the whole routine like someone gave her a tab of ecstasy but the judges love it and give high praise all around, especially for the show So… Dance for bringing such great entertainment into our homes.

We then have a fifteen minute piece on some dance charity before our final dancers perform because it doesn’t really matter. We all know those last two are dead dancers dancing, no matter what. They are:

Vitolio and Karla –

Nigel sealed Vitolio’s fate last week when he said he is next to go and then we learn they get the two-step. Ah, how random. The two dancers in the most trouble get a dance that routinely gets panned. Surprisingly, they pull it off which makes me happy because I feel for Vitolio. First he loses his parents, then he loses Asuka, his dance partner who adores him, and now he is stuck with Karla, who gives him bitchy looks whenever he opens his mouth. Karla, I always liked you but don’t you be mean to poor Vitolio.

The Backhanded Compliment Queen tells them: The choreographer can make you, and he can break you. And tonight, he made you! Thanks Mia.

Bottom 3: Vitolio and Karla, Jason and Caitlin, Randi and Evan (I could see Kupono and Kayla or Ade and Melissa in this spot, but I will stick with the little people). It doesn’t matter, Vitolio and Karla are going home, as they had their tickets stamped last week. Oh well. Perhaps the Hot Tamale Train can give them a ride to wherever they are going next.

They Say Love Don't Come Easy

Monday's episode of the Bachelorette started off even more boring than usual due to the fact that we were subjected to not three, not four but five hometown dates. I have never understood the need for meeting more than two families max. The exact same thing happens every time: families nervously embarrass themselves for airtime by doing silly dances or group cheers or some kind of corny stuff that is only funny to them; someone in the family grills the bachelor or bachelorette on "whether they are really ready to get married"; a sassy grandma is trotted out to say something adorably irreverent (oh grandma, she always tells it like it is!) and then the family has a pow wow to talk about how "amazing" the bachelor or bachelorette is and how they "would be a perfect fit with our family!" Then at the rose ceremony the bachelor or bachelorette has to wax on about how they will be letting down not just the person they are sending home but their entire family! Here's a suggestion: fewer home town dates and more time in the fantasy fuck suites!

I almost wouldn't need to recount any of the hometown dates if it weren't for Wes. Wes of the 100% transparent motives (to everyone except Jillian) stepped up his whoring a notch by introducing Jilly to his band and serenading her with "THEY SAY LOVE IT DON'T COME EEEEEEEEEEEEEEASSSY." If you thought you wanted to jab a spork in your eye the first four thousand times you were subjected to Wes's ditty, it only gets worse with the full band. Of course Jilly is thrilled. Next, Jilly corners Wes and tries to determine if he's ready to marry her to which he says something like "I said I think you're okay. I'm not gonna tell you again you needy bitch," which is good enough for Jilly.


Jillian is in her hotel room presumably waiting for Wes to come get her when Dum da da dum - there's a knock at the door and it's Jake. It seems Jake has put on his pilot's uniform to come tell Jilly that Wes is lying and does indeedy have a girlfriend. You see Jakey is an honorable guy, a Christian guy, a noble guy and he doesn't even want a rose! No! He just wants to protect sweet Jillian from the tattooed, twangy menace that is Wes. This sounds much more dramatic than it plays out. Jilly cries a little bit and decides to confront Wes. Wes says, "I said I don't have a girlfriend. I'm not gonna tell you again you needy bitch." He's super creative, that Wes.

Meanwhile for some reason even more convoluted than why he's wearing his uniform, Jake decides to call Tanner. Tanner probably asks if he could please sniff Jillian's feet through the phone line and then Jake abruptly hangs up.

Jilly calls for Jake to come and confront Wes which he does. There's a lot of "Look me in the eye and tell me you don't have a girlfriend named Laurel" to which Wes looks Jake straight in the eye and says "I don't have a girlfriend." Oooh, Wes is going to Bachelorette hell for that which is where you are put in a sauna with Mike Fleiss and forced to listen to him pitch you ideas for shows for an hour and a half. Well, you and I would call it hell, Fleiss would call it lunch. But in the end Jillian believes Wes and she goes to meet his family.

Jillian is back in her hotel room waiting for something again when Dum da da dum - there's a knock at the door and it's Ed. Ed's back. He made a mistake leaving the Bachelorette for his silly career and he'd like another chance at fame...I mean, true love. Plus, he left his Blackberry on the soundstage and had to fly back for it anyway so it's sort of a win-win. Jillian says yes.

Rose ceremony and now Jillian must get rid of the two least fuckable dudes left out of six. She sends breakdancey and Jesse (the winery guy) packing and keeps Wes, Kryypton, Reid (I'm over you Reid) and Ed.

Sweet dreams Jilly. See you next week.