Now where was I? Oh, right--episode two of Project Runway! It begins with a new challenge delivered by special guest, supermodel/actress/ex-wife of John Stamos--Rebecca Rojuminisiemestan! (Note: I will henceforth be referring to her as "Romaine" because that I know how to spell and also, I really like lettuce.)
Judging by the rather large midsection she's rockin', it would appear that the fat kid from Stand By Me has knocked Ms. Romaine up good--with twins, no less--so the challenge for our designers is to make her a chic maternity outfit. Apparently, the crap she's been getting from "Maternity Works" in the Sherman Oaks Galleria isn't quite good enough for Fancy Pants who still wants to look stylish while she's cooking up babies. Unlike myself who spent two pregnancies clad in an XXXL t-shirt that said, "What Attitude Problem?" but like they say, it takes all kinds.
After receiving their rather daunting assignment, the designers do their typical sketch session, followed by their typical mad fabric dash at Mood. Back in the workroom, each contestant is then given a strap-on. Let me repeat that: each contestant is then given a strap-on. Dear Lord, if that's not one of the most delicious sentences I've ever written in my entire frickin' life, I don't know what is. My fingers are shaking just to type it. Anyway, unlike the strap-ons most of these designers are probably much more acquainted with, these strap-ons aren't actually leather, red or motorized, and are sadly just the foam maternity bellies they need to attach to their dress forms. Quel let-down, I know, so let's just skip to the part where we see the dresses come out on stage.
Now let me ask you: have you ever seen a snake with a huge, undigested rat inside it? Great, because then you'll know exactly what 100-pound models wearing huge, fake bellies look like coming down the runway. It was like watching a sad parade of malnutritioned kids wearing too much L'Oreal Paris make-up and Garnier hair products go by. I almost wanted to send them each a $100 check, a cupcake and a UNICEF t-shirt just to make myself feel better.
However, I have to say that there were a couple of good designs that Romaine liked, most notably by Althea, Louise and the winner, Shirina, who made a lovely preggers dress and coat that didn't suck at all. But since good design is boring, let's move on to this week's loser--my buddy Malvin. In his infinite 20-year-old single gay guy wisdom, Malvin decided that what every pregnant woman in the world dreams of wearing while she's carrying around 30 extra pounds of water and human is a feathery, avant-garde outfit that makes her look like a depressed potbellied chicken:
Yes, amazingly enough, Malvin's "Mother Hen" design wasn't a hit with the lady judges, even after Tim Gunn talked him out of his planned "maternity jodpurs so the chicken concept really comes out." But I guess his early dismissal is understandable because, as Malvin himself put it as he was being consoled backstage by his fellow trying-not-to-look-too-happy friends, "I'm just too conceptual for America." Or maybe, Malvin, America's just too normal for you. Bawk!
